Birthday Dinner

One of my biggest pet peeves is people that cancel last minute plans. Or when their lives are so busy that they forget they were supposed to reschedule dinner. Or when someone doesn’t text back for days without letting you know what’s going on.

I cancelled plans this evening. Because I just couldn’t handle it mentally. What’s even worse: it’s their birthday dinner. I don’t like that I did that, but I almost had to. I could’ve let her know sooner, that’s on me. I’ve done some sh*tty things because of my mental health and because of grief. And it’s not okay.

A lot of those pet peeves can be avoided by communication. Sounds simple, but is complex.

Life is hard. Friendships are hard. Relationships are hard. When you’re drowning sometimes, and you just want that friend who hasn’t really communicated in weeks to say “hey, I see you.” Sometimes I’ll have mostly a really good day. Sometimes the good days have moments when it’s almost like I’m treading water.

When you would rather be alone than be in a place where you surrounded by couples and their kids…. That one is for the widows and widowers in the back.

When you feel like God is one of the only ones you can trust, who has your back, like He’s the only One you have. He’s the One.

I’m ready to be better. And I’m making strides to be better. But there’s still pain inside.

I’ve always been that kid who dreaded the school days been let out. The kid the dreaded getting out of school for something. Because then - then I wouldn’t be included nor invited. That screams “trust issue” to me. Maybe that’s why I expect so much out of my friends. Because I’m constantly (deep down) scared they’re going to leave. They’re going to decide they don’t want me anymore (that has happened countless times). Or that I’m too much.

I’m thankful for the friends I do have that have stuck by me, thank you.

Please check on your goofy friends. Because I can tell you - we (I) are struggling out here. Normal activities are not really the priority anymore. I’ve never truly experienced depression like this. It’s BAD. And goofy doesn’t necessarily mean goofy. It can be mean the one that looks like she has it all together. Or the strong one.

Cancelling birthday dinner plans is not normally what I would do (unless I was sick or something). But I just don’t have the capacity it feels like this evening. Chit chat drains me most of the time. I want genuine, real conversations and connections. Something of substance. Not sitting there quiet with the “can’t wait to get out of here” attitude. I don’t want to have to answer the “what’s wrong?” question. One of the best responses to “I’m depressed” is “what’s wrong?” I guess the imbalance in my brain. My attitude is wrong. Anxiety and fear and depression are liars.

But let me tell y’all - if your gut is telling you something, it’s probably right. Listen to it. There’s a reason something didn’t go as planned (if you’re picking up what I’m putting down). Also - like Michael Bolton says: listen to your ❤️


Your goofy friend,

A