Blue and Pink Flowers
Off and on throughout my whole adolescence, I have wanted to be a marriage counselor.
Love really is that simple. It’s just the people are what make it complicated.
People come with baggage. And often times, a lot of it. I know I do.
My best friend, Rick, always reminds me of my worth every chance he gets. He told me that I don’t realize just how precious I am. I haven’t learned that quite yet. Have you learned that about yourself?
“Love is patient, love is kind. Love keeps no record of wrongs…” Heard that before?
But how do we deal with the stuff they don’t do?
A few people have told me I need to become a therapist because of how easy I am to talk to. And I appreciate that. I am passionate about people and I am a helper; that’s why I am in nursing school.
I’m here to talk about the 5 Love Languages. I’m sure you’ve heard of those especially if you have or have had marital challenges, but they are as equally beneficial to the “healthiest” of relationships. Also, what is your definition of healthy?
Your love language can change overtime; mine did. Which, in within itself, is hard. It requires a lot of navigation and not bandaids.
A lot of things can play into how we accept and give love, such as mental health, mental disorders, trauma, our upbringing, our environment, our mental state, the health of the relationship, and our personality; all of these must be considered. There is not a black and white rulebook, only a gray rulebook, a 50 Shades of Lovely. I have a very black and white brain and that can be toxic in my own relationships. I have definitely been toxic and the expiration of some of my relationships has been mostly my fault (never 100% someone’s fault). Admitting to oneself and taking accountability is the first step and is essential. We all can be toxic; toxic does not always mean bad or that it is not the right relationship. All relationships have toxicity throughout their course. Don’t we all have toxicity? There is an antidote, we just have to find it.
The death of a lot of relationships could be avoided. “It didn’t work.” Well, why?
It’s also about what kind of relationship you want and the bond you want with your significant other. This is another blog subject, but since we’re here, I could be with a man, but they’d never be a woman. I will let you chew on that one until I address that in a later blog. One more point - a lot of people like to label me as a bisexual female, and that’s great for someone else, but it’s not me. Just because I was married to man, have been with men most of my life and wasn’t with a woman until I was 24, doesn’t mean I am not a lesbian woman. When I first came out, I identified as bisexual, but don’t most lesbians who have been with men do that? Don’t try and define someone else; it’ll guarantee heartache for you, babe. It is my sexuality and my identity.
Back to flowers -
We also like to play the victim, myself very much so included. Survivor or victim? Half full or half empty? Negative or positive? And yes, being realistic falls in the negative category.
Toxicity can be corrected.
It’s the A for effort for me and the F for just throwing in the cute little hand towel.
Just giving up is for the weak.
“That’s crazy.” Oh, is it? Or do you not just understand?
You catch a lot of flies with honey and not vinegar. A lot of times, our partner is just trying to talk to us. That’s all.
Love is an emotion and a commitment all in one. Again, not black and white, but gray.
Love is also a choice. You choose that person at the beginning, middle, and end of everyday no matter how hard it gets. And if your partner doesn’t feel chosen/loved/special to you, that needs to be fixed by both parties. Here is where mental health comes into play. I’m going to let that marinate for you for a little while. A little retrospect, if you will.
There are two realms of the love languages. Let’s dive in -
First realm: Receiving.
This has 2 parts:
One: what we need to feel loved
Two: what our partner naturally does to TRY and make us feel loved
Second realm: Giving.
This is how you naturally show love to your partner. This is NOT necessarily what they believe you should be doing in theory OR what they NEED to feel loved.
I put these words in caps to make sure you heard me. I have learned all of this the hard way. I’ve been in marriage counseling with Matt and it worked wonders, but only when we both had open ears.
Let me say again this for the people in the back:
Marriage counseling DOES NOT confirm that your relationship is SOL.
And conflict is NOT always a bad thing.
If you do not know The Fabulous Five, here they are:
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Gift Giving
Not so hard, right? WRONG.
Marriage is by far the hardest relationship you’ll ever have, but can also be the most worthwhile IF...
I’ve seen marriages that I thought would crumble end up thriving because of some simple communication.
This leads me to this topic: Resentment.
Resentment is a relationship murderer.
What is the root of resentment? Unresolved hurt.
Speaking from the vulnerable heart here, I’ve been resentful towards a certain group of people for a while now. They really hurt me. And even worse - they don’t see an issue with their actions. If you can’t see the issue, you won’t be accountable. Accountability and seeing one’s own faults is CRUCIAL to your relationship’s prognosis. And what’s even harder - no apology given. Phew. Forgiveness is hard, too. But it’s doable. Letting go of resentment is doable. Marriage/relationships - doable. Being open to suggestions on how to love your partner - doable. Being open to suggestions on how to love your partner FROM your partner - doable. Being open to suggestions on how to love yourself - doable. Being open to suggestions on how to accept love - doable. Therapy sessions - doable.
I heard someone say this and I loved it, “Marriage/relationships, what have you, is just two people who are really good at forgiving.”
Even the “perfect” one for you will disappoint you and hurt you. This is where that choice comes into play.
It is not always cake and ice cream. AND THAT’S OKAY.
That leads me to the cupcake phase.
F*ck the cupcake phase, man.
I’d much rather learn how to handle conflict than be in a cupcake phase. I’d rather learn how to communicate with my partner rather than eating those unnecessary calories.
It’s okay to have issues to work out at any point in the relationship.
Communication really is key. And I’m one to talk. You can ask my best friend. Phew. She is cracking a smile right now. Hey, Brittany. I love you. Thanks for dealing with my BS over the years and for calling me out when I need it.
Anyways - let us circle back around to my Fabulous Five here.
Which are mine? Glad you asked.
When you take the quiz (I’ll guide you on where to go to take it), it’ll give you your results in order. The top two are the most important.
Here you go, no excuse now:
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes
Mine used to be words of affirmation and to be honest, I can’t remember the second. I think it was gift giving. Now, ironically, mine are physical touch and words of affirmation. The words of affirmation one for me is definitely rooted with anxiety. Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance. Say that three times fast and it still won’t satisfy the anxiety minds (OCD). But add in a bipolar brain too…phew. Another subject, and another blog, but one person’s anxiety is more than likely different than another’s. Chew on that one until next time.
It’s OKAY to have an anxiety brain and it’s also OKAY to be annoyed by the anxiety brain. We signed up for this. If we love and cherish our partner and the relationship, we will learn to swallow that pride and do what they need, and not expect them to change themselves especially when we won’t change ourselves. Yes?
We have to be intentional.
I want to give you an example of each one.
Here we go -
WOA (words of affirmation):
Sticky note on the mirror with written words
A good morning text if you get up before they do
A phone call at lunch
A love letter (for my extremists out there)
Simple stuff, right? Actually, yes.
I want to add another LL in here: Getting to Know One’s Past. Why? Because how else are we going to know why certain things are the way they are? One of the best things I can ever receive is when someone asks me questions or truly listens to my words when I speak, is present. Paying attention and remembering facts about one other are both forms of affirmation.
PT (physical touch):
Hand on the leg while driving
Suggestion of a back rub if your partner’s back is hurting and they express the pain to you
Let me say this before I forget - your partner doesn’t always have to tell you what they want or need. Sometimes they just want you to take control, take ACTION.
Anyways, physical touch. *Physical touch is not always intimacy; that is an assumption. I know because I used to make the same assumption.
What does assuming do? Assume= Ass out of U and ME
Hand holding
A hug that is intentional
QT (quality time):
Staying off your phone at dinner or during a movie
Making time for quality conversation (goes along with first bullet point)
Making date nights a thing and CONSISTENTLY sticking to it (if we are not consistent, it appears as if we don’t care; perception is also key - again, here is the mental health side of it) Actually, I’m going to go on a tangent.
Let me interrupt again - some of this stuff: we won’t want to do. But if our partner needs it, why wouldn’t we wanna do them? Pride? Selfishness? The act of being self-centered? Hearing but not listening?
Two words: self reflection.
Another two words:
GG (gift giving):
Flowers sent to workplace randomly
(Doesn’t have to cost money) a flower emoji sent and say “here is your flower for today”)
Bringing their favorite soda home
A lot of this just has to do with paying attention, people. It really does cost you if you don’t pay attention. It’s a choice, choose wisely.
A lot of it has to do with being intentional, too. Being intentional means having thought and putting said thought into action.
AOS (acts of service):
Folding their laundry when not prompted to
Doing the dishes before they have a chance to
Run a bath for them with a candle lit if they’ve had a hard day
Here I go again - if they are vulnerable enough with you to share with you, just listen. That’s all. That’s usually all people want is for you to care and to listen - not just hear. Know that difference; it’ll save a lot of bickering, I promise.
All five of them need to be utilized not just the main two. When you think about them, they’re not that hard, right? No, not at all. It’s when we allow those negative thoughts in that it gets hard. When we get uncomfortable with being uncomfortable, turbulence occurs. Now, will you grab the Dramamine or will you cry about it? Quit rocking the boat when it doesn’t need to be rocked, really.
Okay, let’s switch to the second realm. How do we naturally give?
I naturally give love with gifts. I am very good at this, actually. I’m a very good gift giver. I pay attention to detail. I like to ask people their favorite color; I love knowing that detail about people.
I’m a writer, obviously. So, words of affirmation also come easier to me.
A lot of these can also have trauma attached to them. Be aware of the variables that could be and are most likely there. Patience and communication and love. And listening, paying attention. It’ll be okay. If they love you and are trying, it’s all going to be okay.
Saying that you love your partner before bed is important.
Kissing them before bed is important.
Not going to bed angry is important. This is in the Bible, by the way. Yes, I am a God’s girl if you did not know that already.
Also - PRAYING. There are many a nights I pray myself to sleep. Sometimes, I’m crying and I picture myself hugging Jesus and weeping. It helps. It is comforting.
Sometimes, I also take deep breaths with or without my nicotine vape.
Odds are, you’ll sleep better if you do these things before bed.
Loving each other really is enough. Or at least it is for me.
If they’ve opened up to you and committed to you and the relationship, that’s hard because it requires vulnerability. Respect that. You aren’t perfect. We should strive to be the best partner we can be. That, more times than none, does not happen naturally; we cannot be the “perfect” partner 100% of the time without them telling us how to love them. And if someone told you differently, baby, they’re lying to you.
Some of us, well, we’re just being assholes. Just stop. Stop being an asshole. Step back. Dust the boots off. Look at the line in the sand you just drew by being an ass. It’s silly. Don’t do it. Be mindful. Be intentional. The original name of this post was “Love is Like the Laundry.” If they can pay attention to your laundry, you can pay attention to their word. And vice versa. Come on, now.
All relationships can be maintained and can be healthy and loving and fulfilling. Money doesn’t grow on trees, neither do relationships.
RelationSHIP
HardSHIP
See the relation? See what I did there?
Pride. Do you have pride? Is that line in the sand drawn?
“Where there is sin, grace is more.” Not sure who said it, but this is God. This is Jesus. This is our heart. If we extend this to others, and easily extend it to others, why can’t we extend it to ourselves? We want to be accepted by others, but can’t accept ourselves. How about them apples? They sound a little rotten.
Loving oneself and accepting oneself is also crucial and vital to the relationship’s health.
I’m speaking to myself here - keeping your anxiety and abandonment issues under control is important too. And that is my job. That has been hard for me to accept. But those two can be relationship killers as well.
I’ll leave you with a little tale here:
Mary: Babe, I really need blue flowers. They make me feel secure.
Jane: Okay.
Mary: Thank you.
(Jane goes to get flowers and gives them to Mary).
Inside the bouquet are eleven pink flowers and one blue flower in the middle.
Two Ways of Thinking and Perceiving:
Let me say that again: PERCEPTION
#1: Why couldn’t Jane just get the blue flowers? Because she wanted to do it her way. - this one (is probably the natural response) is hard for a brain that has been traumatized.
#2: Jane thought of Mary while also doing her own thing with the pink flowers. - this one (is probably the trained brain) is the harder way of thinking for a brain that has been traumatized.
Does Jane think that what she gave Mary should just be “good enough?”
Ohhhh, that one stings.
Does Mary think that Jane “doesn’t do enough?” Or that she isn’t enough? Or that “nothing makes her happy?” I love the last one. I’ve heard that one several times.
The way we think and perceive are not always naturally a choice. It’s hard to give the benefit of the doubt if you’re used to the outcome of the doubt and not the benefits.
It’s hard to trust when you’ve been left before.
How do we know how someone perceives something?
Let me spell it out for you -
C to the O to the MMUNICATION.
Hit it, Fergie!
If you’re not old enough to get that reference, you should not be reading this.
Xoxo -
Ace