The One

I have always been the one that people like to plow over. And I don’t know why. I allow it. And I don’t know why. And I don’t like it. 

As an empath, I can see the good in people, I can see their heart and can feel them, I can see their potential, their soul. That is a blessing and a curse because I often times do not allow myself to let what they show me determine what place they deserve in my life. Because of the way my brain is wired, I have a hard time seeing the bullsh*t, really. Actions definitely speak louder than words. 

Over the past season, I have experienced great heartache, growth, and the more than normal great unknown. If you know me, you know I don’t handle that well. I have flapped my wings a little bit more and have flown my rainbow flag free. Today, I’d like to share with you a little bit about a person I will forever love and about situation-ships.

I never really have thought about the bare necessities of a relationship as in what they’ve eaten or little details like that I guess because I’ve just never really thought of not having that. But now I know that I really didn’t have that all the way. One of the ways I discovered that is because my friends seemed to care more about those things than my supposed lover.

The more this relationship carried on, the more I lost myself. The more I lost my spark and sparkle because loving them chipped away at me. My sparkle turned to a matte finish. I was so concerned with loving them and keeping them that I lost sight of my worth and I did not love myself because if I did love myself, I wouldn’t have continued to allow that over and over and over and over…and over. 

I am over the games that people play. I am over the bullsh*t patterns. I am over the narcissistic behavior. We deserve better, I deserve better. I promise that no one else on this earth could’ve, would’ve put up with this bullsh*t like I did. What I had for them was true love. And what I have now are scars, trust issues, and even more triggers. I was cut by them and also cut by myself. What they had for me was me dangling on their little fishhook as the second option. I allowed mediocre to be enough when they had my everything. 

When I finally felt fulfilled after years of feeling alone and I finally found love again, it was devastating to not get it in return completely. To have watched their old videos of them and their previous girlfriends, of pictures together (we didn’t even have a picture together, by the way) and a slideshow and public words used to describe the love they had for them and the commitment I know they never really had for me. They may have loved me, and I know they did, but that was not enough for some reason because four seasons later, I still wasn’t chosen. I shouldn’t have had to feel this way. I shouldn’t have had to sit in my office and tear up and cry because I did not feel completely chosen and because I felt like it wouldn’t ever happen. THEY didn’t ever truly choose me. I wish I could describe this pain to you. It is like there isn’t anyone who gets it or gets how I felt about this certain person.

If they’re the one, there won’t be that anxiety.

If they’re the one, they won’t be shady. Or sneaky. On purpose. 

If they’re the one, they will be more than happy, excited even, to be friends with you on ALL social media platforms. And it might even be their idea. And you wouldn’t even have to remind them. And they would be eager to be friends with your friends as well. This isn’t hard, people. 

If they’re the one, they won’t go another day without having you as theirs instead of manipulating an excuse because they want their cake and want to eat it too, literally. 

If they’re the one, they won’t hide you. Or let alone go another day without having you. 

If they’re the one, they won’t block you from seeing any parts of their lives. Or being apart of any parts of their lives.

If they’re the one, you won’t have to look at their page to see if they’ve posted and haven’t talked to you. 

If they’re the one, you wouldn’t have to take screenshots and send them to your friends to figure out what they think they mean. It should be the other way around.

If they’re the one, they would figure out a way to be there and take the opportunity to be there if given to them instead of thinking of themselves first. “I am there for you,” hours later after the mental health attack already passed while they disappeared. A little worry or concern would’ve been nice. Especially when they knew how bad my mental sh*t can get. A, “Hey, you doing okay?” would’ve been nice. But I guess that was too much to ask for. The basic things were too much and the actions showed that. Or showed they didn’t care as much as I did.

“I want you to be happy.” No, if you really loved me, you would’ve gotten off your ass and made it happen. You would’ve done the damn thing. “Reasons” were actually excuses.

I’m going to copy and paste what I sent to several of my people so you can see how I felt during this episode:

I’m so tired. If I start talking, I’ll never stop. I’m so tired of being too much. I’m so tired of being me. It’s exhausting. I’m tired of being everyone’s rock. I’m tired of not being chosen first. My mind fights against my sanity. I’m tired of being anxious, depressed, and a bipolar freak. I’m just so tired of being Anna. I wish I could be somebody else. I am completely depleted. I’ve got this big crack in my strength over the past few days. I’m so tired of not being okay all the time. Of going out of my way to take care of other people and their needs and going above and beyond doing thoughtful things and I always have to do that shit for myself. I am so sick of being loyal and not getting it completely in return. I’m just so tired of it always being Anna having Anna’s back. I have 0 emotional energy right now. I am depleted. I wish I could go back to sleep and just turn it off. I feel defeated. I wish somebody else would take of me so I didn’t have to all the damn time. I’m just so tired.

It’s a good thing I always have my back and can take care of myself. And it’s a good thing I have the support system I do. And the God I do. I notice who is there when the darkness gets a grip.

Oh, and by the way, they made time to go out and be there for other people instead of taking an opportunity to be with me, the supposed love of their life. And then felt guilty for it after. That’s one of the benefits of being Anna, I just know things. But, I mean, what’s there to feel guilty about? If you were single. Or maybe, the guilt came from them doing a sh*tty job at attempting to be my significant other, with whom I trusted with my heart. What an honor it would be for me to date somebody and commit myself to loving them. What a damn shame. Because then again, love is a commitment, not just a word or a feeling, like my motivational app tells me. Or anything to take f*cking lightly.  

This person was truly one of the most selfish people I have ever met. Their shady behavior that was completely unwarranted. Be a good person and don’t be shady on purpose. They made a decision to be shady, to hide. To be a coward. Everyone has a choice. Whether they need to work on themselves or not. Whether they love themselves or not. Why be shady? Because they want their cake and want to eat it too. And some ice cream along with it. The ice cream’s name is Maggie, I’m sure. 

Why? What did I do? Why was I not enough for them to accept and fully let in or fully commit to? I am not sure what I did to deserve that or not deserve honesty let alone purposeful shadiness. What? Was it another girl to choose over me again? But as my real people tell me, it’s not me, it’s them. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through, mistreating others is never okay. And leading them to believe that the situation-ship is a place where they’re safe, loved, and on the right track with is not okay. Emotional abuse is hard to pin-point and I didn’t want to believe that this was abuse, but it was. And boy, it was a tough pill to swallow.

Is this how I wanted/want to be treated? Is that what makes me happy? Is this what makes me feel completely cared about, cared for? Taken care of? Did I deserve this? Also, would they allow their friends to be treated this way? Would they see this as wrong if it wasn’t them doing it?

Also, my dear, if something in my blogs strikes you as, “they’re talking about me,” sweetheart, I am simply stating facts, but if the shoe fits. That is what my blog should’ve been named, “If the Shoe Fits.” 

As my mom tells me, a snake is a snake. And a tiger always has its stripes. I was sick of being halfway theirs and halfway gone. I looked at photos of their exes and wondered why I was never good enough to be the real thing, the real girlfriend. How could I compete with that, with them? There wasn’t anything special about me other than the security blanket and the love I shared. I was so sick of it. Of the manipulation. Of how I felt. Of being gaslighted. It was storybook emotional abuse. Where is the accountability?

The way I was treated was not okay and is not okay. And the fact that I allowed it is not okay either. But that is something I have to work on. And the damage that they have caused to my heart, my mind, my soul, my confidence, that will take time to repair, and work. It takes a lot of work to try to heal those triggers. And the people who actually give a damn about me and who would break before they watch me break, those people are who deserve to be close to me and hold my hand and who deserve to love me. Not people who repeatedly stab me in the back and can sleep at night. Who can lie and still say, “I love you.”

And I’ve been that person before. I’ve been that person that didn’t know really what they wanted and I’ve been that selfish person that hurt people. When I could’ve just been honest. But you can make damn sure I’ll never be that person again that plays with someone’s heart. The next time I tell someone I love them, know it’s a big deal to me. And it means a commitment to love them.

The truth will come out eventually. The true intentions will be revealed eventually. You will reap what you sew. What comes around goes around. And God will bless me for my faithfulness, my love, my forgiveness. I just hate that the person who received it didn’t realize what they had. And that I had to miss out on truly being loved by the person I wanted so badly. I hate I see the person they really are and not what they’ve shown me when someone’s actions will show you exactly how they feel about you.

When I am a bestselling author and they see my book out in stores, they’ll regret it. As I heard someone say, I truly do hope for your healing. Thank you for making me another notch in your belt, as Taylor Swift says, and for the almost relationship, a situation-ship. Or shall I say a selfish-ship?

A