He Didn’t Want Me

I remember standing in my laundry area in my old house a few years ago; it was 2020. I didn’t get the reaction I was hoping for or that I expected; he didn’t want me. 

I was texting my friend Katherine trying to explain to her how bad I was feeling, but she did not fully comprehend. To her, it was a “f*ck him, he’s not worth it,” situation. To me, it was a “my whole world is crumbling around me,” type situation. This is what happens when you have a trauma bond.

I ran the bath water, put a bath bomb in, lit some candles, mostly purple, got in the tub, cried, and let the anxiety attack pass. All because he didn’t want me. Like he always did. That was one thing that we always had, that magnetic connection. It was magic. I look back now and I think, “Why on earth would you want him to want you?” I can’t answer that question. Well, actually I can. It’s called being an empath. I can see who the person is under all the sh*t and boy has that gotten me in trouble. It's kinda like being a good person, but not having the faith, not having Jesus as your Savior. It doesn’t really fit the bill. The bill being being worthy of a place in my life. And the bill being a ticket to heaven.

Let’s talk about being there for other people. Katherine should not have dismissed how I felt at that time. Just because you perceive it one way does not mean that is how it is for the other person. All Katherine saw were his actions and the stab wounds on my back and how they affected me. What I saw was the love of my life. She did not see what I saw and did not see the attachment, trauma bond, that had not been broken. She did not see how I felt about him and that I could not just throw him out like trash and keep him there. They may have lived through everything with you, but they’re not in your shoes. That date will be just another Saturday, not that anniversary date for you. A lot of people need to reread that again. 

5 years later, I still have triggers. I still get bothered every time I see someone share something on Facebook and then not talk to me. Because of him. It automatically makes my brain go to the negative. “They don’t want to talk to me,” is what I normally think. It may seem trivial to some, but it’s not to me. Whoever is going to be my partner in life will want to understand this, see the scars, and will want to accommodate. When you love someone, it is not hard to have decency and provide the bare necessities of even a friendship. We should always be considerate of others and their hearts. I don’t understand what is hard about that. Oh, wait, it’s because we’re all broken people.

Several seasons of my time were spent in his games, in his web. Back and forth. A lot of my precious time was consumed by emotional abuse. Emotional abuse makes you feel a certain type of way, like these young-ins say. You can feel the effects of it. One thing I’ve experienced is that the bare minimum of a normal relationship becomes a gray area. 

I never knew when he was sober. Drugs, smoking, even alcohol, can ruin a person and can certainly ruin a family, a counselor once told me. I’ve always had a gift and the older I get, the more I’m learning to use it. I’ve always been able to sense whether or not someone has an addictive personality and funny, he did not. It did not bother me that he drank or smoked. I did not know about the drugs at the time, until him and I were over. If I would’ve known he was on drugs, that would’ve been a huge issue for me.

I remember walking around my therapist’s office because I had so much anxiety I couldn’t sit still. I was nauseous, felt like I had to have a bowel movement, my heart was racing, I was calling my two best friends, I was pacing, I was freaking out, venting, until my therapist walked out. Then, I told her what was going on, and as the right therapist should, she took care of me and what I needed in that moment. She pointed out that some things should’ve been okay for me to do since he was my boyfriend. This is when she pointed out his drug use because of his behavior. And I trusted that he wouldn’t put me through that because he told me he wouldn’t. People do not always mean what they say and they do not always have the best intentions. This is why we need to do better, myself included. 

He would ask me to be his girlfriend and then disappear for weeks. This happened a total of three times, I believe. Two for sure. I had to get on anxiety medication because of his lack of human f*cking decency and my lack of control to not let it affect me like that. 

One thing in my life that I need is consistency. Consistency in actions, communication, words, affirmations, effort, actions to back up the words, and honestly, the bare necessities of a relationship. It seems foreign to me that someone would want to give me all this. What I do not need is for someone to say, “I will call you back,” and then they never do. Or they never text me until like hours later. And the only thing my brain can think of is, “I wasn’t on their mind.” If you know how my brain works and you know I have anxiety, why not prevent it? Why allow any questions in my head? Get out of yours and prioritize other peoples. Why do you think I would pull away from a potential partner if there wasn’t a reason? Or wasn’t something going on with me? What I do not need is fuel to the fire of anxiety. If they’re your person, they’ll care about your needs. Go ahead and mosey over to “The One” after you’re done reading this. 

There are several reasons I need consistency. Want me to go over those? Sure, of course. My mental health, my trust issues, common human fcking decency. The f*cking bare necessities of life.

What else do I not need? What I do not need is a reason to believe that they do not have the best intentions because the truth will come out eventually, now won’t it? If you put sh*t in, crap comes out. Sh*t or get off the pot, people. Quit putting in crap and expecting daisies to grow out of it. And yes, I’m talking to myself. 

Number one, I am not stupid. Number two, I am an empath. And number three, I have intuition and a gut of steel. Do not mess with me and do not test me or play with my heart. God will take care of them and their actions. 

It’s hard to believe you’re on someone’s mind when they post on social media and do not respond or talk to you for hours. It’s hard to believe they want to be with you and that you’re on the right track when they won’t answer your questions. When they block you out of their life. I remember when he blocked me from messaging him. I guess I was just too annoying. 

“I’m not enough.” No honey, they’re the one with an issue. And it’s not your job to figure out said issue. No matter how much you give, no matter how much you ARE enough, no matter how much you pray for it to work out, no matter how much effort you put in, how much dull you allow to diminish your sparkle, no matter how depleted they make you feel, no matter how much you accommodate and give up on what you need, if it is not meant to be or whatever else, it will not feel enough. But that feeling of not feeling enough is not that at all. I will further write about this in an upcoming blog. 

A lot of lessons to be learned here. Sometimes, we just gotta let go. And realize that we will not always have the answer. This boy taught me that. I had to pick up the pieces and deal with it without an answer. I had to view him as a monster. I had to be angry. I had to let the bad outweigh the good that I saw. And I am proud. I am proud of the survivor I see and am also proud that I can and do see that in people. I should never ever feel bad or hate that part of myself. I just have to learn to separate those two things and that’s okay. 

I remember the day vividly when the manipulation was finally broken and the lightbulb came on for me. I was driving to Memphis, TN and I got news about something he did. I was finally free. And I never looked back. But once a knife comes out of your back after the stabbing, it still leaves scar tissue, and maybe, probably, even a scar. And it stays with you. Those types of things cannot be ignored. They will come out like vomit. It’s a necessary evil. You have to nurture yourself. 

One thing I have committed to in my life is self-care and making that a top tier on the list of Anna’s life. Every two weeks, manicure and pedicure. Every three weeks, haircut. Whenever the hell I want to, color. Every month, at least, a massage. I’m going to start back journaling and praying more. This blog is a form of self-care for me. I’ve been back in the gym and it has helped tremendously. I’m making slow strides at work. Now, to get these books written. 

Hopefully, by reading this, you can relate to something I’ve written or maybe I can prevent something like this happening to you. Please research forms of abuse and signs of drug abuse. If you need help, ask for it. Look for signs of mental health struggles in your loved ones. Some of the strongest people have the mental health weight of the world on their shoulders and you wouldn’t even know it. Check on your strong friends. You need the people who pay attention, who pay attention to you. Who are present, who are there. It’s okay to not be okay. And it’s okay to admit it too.

Pay attention to YOU. Make a goal and stick to it. Set standards and try to stick to them. It is very hard to love someone when their love is a toxin. I’ve been there. It is so hard. 

I love you! And I want you.

Anna