AftermAth

One of my best friends, with whom we can both be completely and apologetically ourselves, expressed to me how they were struggling over personal insecurities and pain from past hurts. And how the aftermath of those hurts affect our future relationships whether they be romantic or friendship based. 

How she views herself and views connections changed after so much sh*t. 

She told me that she was angry, confused, and that she was mad at the ultimate betrayal, which to her, is to give up.

I suggested that she write down all of the words and feelings that she felt towards the unfortunate situation and the person and to show me afterwards. “Why is unfortunate in italics?,” you may ask. You’ll see.

Here are some of the insecurities that she showed me:

Insecure

Anxious

Fear

Hurt

Angry

Betrayed

Not good enough

Not chosen

Questions own judgement

Not experienced enough

Not heard

Not worth a second chance or second opinion or even to be heard

Completely dropped

Not cared about

Thrown out like trash

Portrayed as something I’m not

Not loved

Baffled

Shocked

Doesn’t even know the person

Empty promises

The girl that’s insecure: that’s me. I am the girl. I am the hurt one.

Ya know what healthy self talk is? Yeah, I have to do that.

Ever heard of correction? Yes, I have to correct my brain and my thoughts.

It’s a miracle that I can double and triple text when it’s been a few minutes in between texts to the woman I’m talking to now. Usually, I’ll feel like the person I’m talking to doesn’t want me. Because of something someone else did that wasn’t them. Thank God for grace.

This is why we must be careful who we invite inside our doors. Whether we realize it or not, every. single. person. that comes into and out of our lives affects us. Be careful. 

As hurt people, we tend to play the victim card and I am definitely guilty of this. We need to change our mindsets to survivors and victors rather than victims.

Are you a victim or a victor?

That mindset switch can save your life.

Another thing that my good friend has taught me is this:

No one owes me anything.

What does that mean?

Me being me, I asked her, my friend, “Promise you won’t ever leave?” And she said, “I can’t promise anyone that.”

At first, it stung. As time went on, it start to make sense. Nothing on earth is permanent. Not even a tattoo is completely permanent. Or that “permanent” bracelet or anklet you have on your wrist or ankle that probably cost $0.50 cents when you were charged $50.00 per pop.

With people: same principle. Do not give $50.00 if they’re not willing to give $50.00. It’s the same thing as 50/50. None of this 80/20 nonsense. Sometimes we give $50.00 and they give $10.00. Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to see the truth.

You sign up for a lot more than the cupcake phase when you befriend or date someone.

And unfortunately and fortunately, people do show their true colors eventually although it may not be in our timing.

I shared something on Facebook today that said, “I only have 3 friends because I’m honest.”

If you can’t handle truth, don’t expect truth.

If you can’t handle fearless love, don’t expect fearless love.

If you cannot handle the good with the bad, don’t put the other person you “love” through it. Someone who loves you will not hurt you on purpose in the grand scheme of things, big picture. Now this is big picture sh*t here.

I learned, after my heart ended up spread out all over the floor, to never play with a heart. I learned, after giving it too fearlessly, to never say “I love you” until I was 1000% ready. And I will never accept a marriage proposal unless I am without a shadow of a doubt SURE. Marriage is hard. And you better pick a tremendous partner and a good person. You’ll see in their actions if they’re a good person, not just in how they treat you.

If they can walk away when it’s hard, and leave you behind, look at your connection. They don’t love you like they promised. And that hurts, I know. But take their actions for it.

They will also show you how much you mean to them as soon as it gets hard.

Do you really want a life partner or friend like that? The healthy answer is no.

At the end of the day, words don’t mean sh*t, actions do. Actions show a lot.

I am a words of affirmation person. But, that stops today. Fuel to the anxiety, baby. “But they said!,” nah, fam, this is what they doin’ honey.

You were wrong. And that’s okay! Just remember:

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I have a lot of shames on me, yes? But that’s okay. Shames reveal truths.

So, to my three friends who appreciate my honesty and loyalty, thank you, and I love you!

Remember: snakes sure do have pearly whites.

A