Every Rose Has Its Thorns

Happy Valentine’s Day, my lovelies! I hope today greets you well. Yes, I am technically single pringle as most of you know, although, one woman has my exclusive attention and efforts. Just waiting on that lucky suitor to make me theirs…or for the queen, me, to make them mine. 😉

Today, thanks to Poison, we are discussing, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” Thorns, to be exact.

We can write out this list of things we want in a spouse, but let’s face it, what do you do when you have that soul connection? Ya throw it right out the window. “Oh, you don’t fit my list. Sorry Charlie.” Um no. You make the damn sacrifices.

The inspiration for this blog comes from an old friend of mine. He always gets onto me about seeing the good in people, “There is something about everyone that you can enjoy.” He said this to me as I made fun of someone’s hair or made a face about a stranger. I have a hard time controlling my face and what comes out of my mouth sometimes.

Seeing the good in people, seeing their soul, seeing the positive outcome of the situation when you don’t know what’s going on, giving them the benefit of the doubt, I struggle with. My mind jumps to the negative for two reasons I believe. I think my mind tries to think the worst because if you prepare for the worst, the fall isn’t as large. The second reason is trauma/experience from other people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been left. Especially by friends. Seeing the good in someone has bitten me in the ass specifically two times: especially with my emotional abusers.

Let me make this clear for the Karen in the back: YOUR OLD SCARS ARE NOT MADE FROM YOUR NEW PERSON. It is not their fault. But it is their place to help you and to pay attention. My friend used to always say, “I can’t afford to pay attention.” Everybody can. He also used to say, “People make choices everyday.” Looks like he made a choice.

I made a choice to never hear “I’m not ready, the distance, blah blah blah,” again. After the third time. They lost me. I loved them. I loved them more than I loved myself. That love hit me like a freight train. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t disconnect from it. I was trauma bonded to them. I chose to love them. I can still hear their laugh. I can feel their fingers play with my hair. I can replay moments in my head. “I love you.” But I also hear the purposeful deceit. I made the choice to cut them out. To rip the teeth out of my skin, to get the venom and toxin out. I cannot shine with that coat over it. Their venom took over my sparkle. I chose their love. And I got cut time and time again by the thorns to the point where it wasn’t healthy anymore. It felt like if I continued on, it would eventually kill me. It was picking away at my soul. Emotional abuse is a weird one, really. Hard to define, hard to spot. Especially when you are the one to experience it. When I start to feel bad or even miss them a little, or feel guilty, I think. I remember. I even have a list on my phone that tells me all of what they did. I’ve got photos of the girls they chose while they never chose me. I’ve also got photos that I took just to get their attention on social media.

Now, let’s talk about needs. COMMUNICATION, kittens. Not everyone is a mind reader. We also have to deal with our own sh*t that has nothing to do with our present people.

Let me just say this to you:

THEY ARE NOT THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU.
And you can trust yourself to discern.

I was going to wait until another blog later on, but I’m going to attack it now: healthy self talk. Listen to how my mind worded this a.m.: “They haven’t texted me. They Snapchatted me.” The reaction I wish my brain had: “Aw, they Snapchatted me.” My brain twists these things to make me think they don’t like me. But those are not the facts. Because if they really like you, they aren’t just going to stop after one day. Or one week. Or a few days. Stop thinking that way, queen. Queens don’t allow themselves to stay in that place, no matter how dark it is. Or how busy it is.

Before I forget, we need to remember the Yin Yang symbol. One cannot have negative without positive and vice versa. The world literally would not turn on its axis without both. One of my needs is attention obviously. I want social media attention. I want attention on my blog. I want communication all day everyday. It’s just the truth. Tell me what you’re doing, make me apart of your life. Include me, make me feel wanted, the first priority. Ya know, the normal stuff. I also need a lot of reassurance. And actions.

You’re not going to find your perfect person. Because they don’t exist. There is not a person out there that is perfect for you. There is a person God has for you, or maybe even multiple. But not a person that just checks all those boxes you think you need for yourself. If life were that easy, I wouldn’t be writing this.

There’s always going to be something you don’t like about another person. Like the way they chew their food, the game on their phone, the way they wipe their ass.

This is why love is so hard. Because it is a commitment, not just a feeling. When you see a friend making a really poor decision, and you warn them, while you cringe with one eye closing, all you can do is say, “I’m happy for you,” and genuinely mean it.

Or when your friend takes a bunch of trips to try and spice it up, or distract, rather, when, really, the problems are not as superficial as that. I used to run from problems, I still do, by filling the plate full, literally, going to eat. You get my joke, but seriously, I’d pack my schedule full to run away from the big issue. I still do this. So ask yourself: what’s the big issue?

I remember when flowers wouldn’t make it better because you had to ask for them. Or asking for a surprise party. Asking for a party and then planning it yourself. Dreading your birthday (I always dread my birthday, March 25th, y’all). I always dread it because I have this deep insecurity that everyone is going to leave, I’m not anyone’s priority, I’m not liked, I’m into it/invested way more than they are, I read the relationship wrong, but the truth is, my heart is a beautiful heart. And what great of heart than one that can and chooses to love after trauma. I have to give myself a pat on the back for that one. And I have to remember to CHOOSE LOVE. I said to my friend yesterday, “I feel like there isn’t anyone out there that will love me. It’s an impossible job.”

I said to my other friend today that I just need to be myself and it makes me feel better to be myself. Feel the feelings, get excited, daydream, look at their pictures to see their smile or just see them, it’s okay. Because the fall is going to hurt anyway. Might as well put your whole heart forward. Because if you put your whole heart forward, it could be easier for your feet to walk forward (get off your ass). Make it happen. Say the thing. Give the hug, give the kiss. Like Nike, just do it, damn. What do you have to lose?

Loving someone requires a certain level of selflessness as well as love for yourself. How are you going to love someone else in a healthy way if you don’t at least try to love yourself first? (This isn’t an excuse to be selfish, now). This is something I’ve preached to one friend of mine. And they call me stubborn?

You have to make the choice. You have to take the thorns with the rose. And bleed a little (sacrifice).

Are you ready for it?

Happy <3’s Day,

A