Oblivion

I came across this song by one of my favorite artists, Zolita. “Oblivion” stole my heart when I first heard it and heard and resonated with the lyrics. Zolita has really helped me through this hard chapter of my life. I felt like I could finally relate to another person when it came to some of my trauma; I didn’t feel so misunderstood, not heard, and alone. That’s not anyone’s fault; it’s just what trauma does to you.

So today, I want to write about the word, oblivion, and how it resonates with me. First, let’s take a look at the lyrics.

Google, take the floor:

“I almost called you from the plane
Just to say that I'm okay
And to see what you were doing
Wish I knew what you were doing

And I know that it's a shame
That we ended it this way
But when I think about it
You never thought about me

I tried to find the good inside
But it's just too deep

I just wanna hear you're sorry
I just wanna feel your body
I don't wanna think about it
Give me one night
Give me one time
Baby, where I'm
In oblivion
In oblivion
In oblivion
Oblivion

Lately I been tryna pray
That the anger's gonna fade
I'll forgive it all someday
Forget it all someday

But it's hard to be okay
When I think about the way
That you broke all of my faith
You broke all of my faith

I try to find some peace of mind
But it's just too deep

I just wanna hear you're sorry
I just wanna feel your body
I don't wanna think about it
Give me one night
Give me one time
Baby, where I'm
In oblivion
In oblivion
In oblivion
Oblivion

I wanna kiss your lips one more time
Without thinking 'bout all those guys
See myself in your eyes
Forget about all the lies“

And, that my friends, is “Oblivion,” by my girl.

The Google definition of oblivion states:

“the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening.”

Let’s think about that.

I would like you to listen to the song and if you will, watch the music video.

This song and music video resonates with me SO much.

I imagine that is what emotional abuse can be like. A false hope created in your own mind, or maybe a false image created in your own mind. 

Yesterday, an anxiety attack occurred because of the fact that someone new has come into my life, but not because of them. But because of two reasons, well, 3: 

1) I have severe trust issues already. This happens almost every time someone new comes in; I will further discuss this next month.

2) My brain is wired to think that people do not want me, do not want to talk to me.

3) Because of more recent unnecessary scars.

I was so angry yesterday morning. I wanted to scream at them. WHY did they do this to me? Now I’m stuck with this damage. 

Now that I am with a woman who actually talks to me, makes me feel heard, educates me, who lets me know when they’re busy, involves me in their life, shows me what they’re doing, includes me, makes me feel wanted, who pays attention, who does all of these NORMAL things, it makes me realize all the stuff that I did not see. It’s nice to actually be on somebody’s mind, right? Crazy stuff. 

I am also seeing things that my friends and family saw. I almost feel how they felt to see me like that. I lost my complete self, my sparkle. For what? For their gain.

I remember this stage in healing with my first round of emotional abuse. Phew, glad we’re here. It’s an easier place to be. Thank God we’re here, it’s over, and my heart is not with them anymore. As my girl Zolita also sings, “I hope you get the help you need,” (“Truth Tea”) (that has been one of my JAMS, y’all). I shall pray for their healing. And for my forgiveness of them. And for my healing that I unfortunately have to deal with. 

I kinda feel guilty for leaving even though I said I wouldn’t ever leave again. But, I don’t feel guilty; I always correct that thought because that’s who I am. BECAUSE I nor you should never stay where you are mistreated, unappreciated, walked all over, taken advantage of, manipulated, gaslighted, emotionally abused. They KNEW what they were doing. “This is the bed that you made,” Zolita sings; they can lay in it. I hope it stings like penicillin, baby. They KNEW how I felt and what I had been through. They should’ve stopped their games and I should’ve stopped allowing it. And I forgive myself for that part of it. 

I have to say healthy self-talk to myself in order to fix those negative thoughts, feelings, anxiety. Really, it is better to give people the benefit of the doubt. Especially when they’ve given you every good intention and no reason to doubt. 

It took me months to trust one of my best friends, Melissa. Was it because of her? No. It was because of other people that have left me. 

Being manic depressive, I have to anchor my mind down. I will also further discuss this in March. “We will figure it out, we will get through it,” is what my new girl said to me. Not just, “I’m here for you,” with no actual meat behind it. Imagine that, as the Tik Tok-ers say. How about I am FINALLY getting what I deserve! Let’s give a round of applause. 

I am all about loyalty. I am a very loyal person. When I am in it, I’m in it. When I love, I love hard and ultimately fearlessly. And that has bitten me in the ass as we’ve seen. 

We can sit around and daydream all day, but that doesn’t change the FACTS.

Let me reiterate this once more: CAN WE GET A HALLEJUAH THAT ANNA IS GETTING WHAT SHE DESERVES? *HALLEJIUAH! *

Be thankful for the ones that want you. That want to put in an effort, how pay attention. Who genuinely care. Who forgive you when you’re wrong. Who don’t just walk away. Who say they love you and then just leave. Is that love? I don’t know. Those are the ones that deserve your focus. And YOU deserve your focus. I will NEVER say I love you to someone again unless I absolutely 1000% mean it. And love doesn’t always feel good, y’all. Love is painful. But worth it. 

Don’t get caught up in that oblivion. Get caught up in the truth.They will show you their intentions, you just have to watch for them. Don’t be a deer in the damn headlights. Be true to who you are, listen to your gut. Don’t give up on yourself. Here’s big one for me, trust yourself. Why don’t I also tackle that in March? Deal. 

Remember, truth.

Happy Early <3’s Day, my lovelies. Buy yourself flowers. Eat the chocolate.

XOXO -

A