Emerald

I have made myself aware that I have lost a bit of my edge. Let’s go girls.

As I was walking in The Green Hills Mall a few Saturday’s ago with three of my good friends, I went into Kay’s. Every kiss begins with Kay, yes?

There was ring from Reed’s that seemed perfect and it seemed like everything I wanted, it had everything I wanted.

I take peoples’ words and actions so seriously. I take what people say as truth. I am a very black and white person. I don’t like the grey. I am not comfortable in the grey. The grey challenges me and gives me anxiety. I want to be able to trust you in my life and that goes for everyone. When I care, I care. And it’s a lifetime thing. And for someone to mess with that or manipulate that or use that against me, that says a lot about them, not me. And also, karma is a bitch. I will never apologize for caring or for how my heart is because that is just not me. I will never apologize for seeing the good in people because as an empath, that is what I naturally do.

The truth always comes out. And God will reward me for my faithfulness and for that Corinthians type of love. He is proud of me. He accepts me for exactly who I am. And He is using me even if life feels miserable sometimes.

I am a very emotional person. I am in tune with how I feel. Sometimes I hate the way I am and I hate the way my brain works. I’m constantly thinking. I am an empath and I feel other peoples’ sh*t when I can barely process my own sh*t. But honestly, I am one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. And I deserve someone who looks at me and describes me the way I describe them, who wants to show me off. I deserve the whole world. I want to be someone’s whole world, I want to be someone’s person not just someone. Read that again: I want it to me, not just someone to be there. Or someone to do things with. If I don’t hold weight as Anna, Anna simply doesn’t need to be there. I would understand why someone would be interested in who I am. I am different, brave, courageous by nature, beautiful inside and out, artistic, expressive, confident, Lord-loving, passionate, strong as a bull, my mind is an interesting place, I’m empathetic, I’m real and raw, just like a genuine gemstone, a genuine emerald. I am a very intriguing person and I’ve drawn a lot of people in, but getting them to stay is a different story. I’m a lot of work. I’ve got a lot of mental sh*t I deal with and that that person would have to deal with too. I was asked a question in a game with my friends yesterday. It said, “What is one thing your significant other would have to know?” My answer was that I have bipolar disorder.

I’ve got a heart of gold that has often times been misinterpreted as bronze. I’ve also got a heart of fire, of passion, of intent. And when I’m in, I’m in. And it freaking sucks, man. Because I often times cannot let it go or let them go. Letting go is not really in my vocabulary.

Gemstones are very beautiful to me, especially their meanings. I even have a book on gemstone meanings in my bedroom. I’m working on a collection of gemstone rings and I’m doing pretty good so far. I’ve always been to drawn to a dark blue sapphire. I love emeralds, rubies, aquamarines because of my birthstone, amethysts because I’m an empath, there really isn’t anything I don’t like. When it comes to emeralds, rubies, and blue sapphires, I like the cloudy ones. I like the ones with inclusions. I don’t like anything perfect really. Because it’s unrealistic. And it’s not me.

Back to Nashville, I needed to get my rings inspected for their six month checkup. I bought them from Jared, but since they’re owned by the same company, I figured I’d check and see if Kay’s would inspect them. Something told me to go check the gemstone cases, so I did. And there it was: the emerald ring I had been looking for and it found me. A beautiful and vintage style ring, it is. And I love Levian jewelry anyway. It was on sale too. I looked at it, held it, and said, “I want it.” I wanted it so I bought it. And now it’s on my finger. I was searching for an emerald for months. I should always listen to my gut since I am empathic and have the gift of intuition and discernment. If I didn’t listen, I would’ve walked off and went to the next store without my emerald that was waiting for me to find.

There is another reason that emeralds hold a special place: one of my characters, Rowen. Emeralds hold a special place in Rowen’s heart and they are always wearing one and their eyes are emerald as well. Rowen is a very influential person in Annie’s life. Rowen is full of strength and protection and has gotten me through some rough patches; for me, Rowen represents hope. And I’ve needed that a lot this past year. I am very blessed to have created Rowen and I can’t wait for you to see this character in one of my upcoming novels. I just love Rowen! For my new readers, visit the following blogs to get to know my Rowen:

“Meet Rowen Quin”

“Rowen-ited”

“Pride”

I want my person to want to know why things are so special to me and so important to me. I want them to know I’m very sentimental and I want them to pay attention to my needs. Please understand that pouring myself into these blogs and my heart into these blogs or how I feel about someone is a gift I have. But this gift of being an artist can also be exhausting and lonely. I often times feel as if no one understands me. Being someone who loves people and being an extrovert and having my personality type, not being understood and heard, that can be a huge internal battle.

I just want my person to pay attention. I want their attention. Whether that be flowers randomly. Or the thought of sending flowers. Or a random gift (I love receiving gifts) especially meaningful ones. Or a date planned out that’s based on me or our story together. These are things that I do naturally that I wish I could have done for me too.

I’ve been home with COVID all week, the Wednesday this blogs premieres is when I’m officially out of quarantine! Scratch that - it premiered Monday 😝 I couldn’t wait! Thank the Lord I have not had a very bad case because the Lord knows I’m a terrible patient. And the Lord is not done with me.

I wanted flowers this week. So I almost sent myself flowers. But I didn’t. I should have. I like to do things for myself because I don’t want to rely on others for that. I’ve had to become more independent and I am more independent than I’ve ever been.

I am not a stranger when it comes to emotional abuse. I need to get this off my chest because it was on my mind tonight as I was giving myself some positive self talk as I had a trigger. Let’s get back the Taylor Swift of blogging, shall we? I remember this boy. A boy I met at work back in 2015. We started out as friends. Then we kissed. We were intimate. And as they say, it went downhill from there. Up and down we were. We’d fight, make up, fight, make up. He had this pull over me. He was a “lost angel” as he described it. And I thought he was bad. Wait until a few years later when I said I’d never allow it again. It’s funny what you’ll do for love or for when they’re the one.

The fear that they’ll be on Facebook and not talk to me comes from him. My mind automatically jumps to the idea that they don’t want to talk to me. That I’m not the first thing in their mind when they wake up like they are on mine. Like I’m not their priority. Especially when sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night to see if they’ve texted you. Damn.

He one time made it to where I couldn’t contact him because I guess was too annoying. Or he just didn’t want to deal with it, me.

These are five year old scars now. And they still affect the way I think, feel, process relationships. It truly is sad. And I’ve had trauma reprocessing therapy because of him. I had to get on medication because of the anxiety that he caused me. As Kane Brown says, “What if I love all those what ifs away?” I just wish someone would care enough and love me enough to know every scar I have emotionally and physically, to just know me. I cannot wait for the day where my person calms all of those fears, anxieties, lays their hand on my scars and says, “it’s okay.” Now how beautiful would that be? I cannot wait to see the “finally” instead of the “soon,” as Facebook reminded me today. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of the “soon.”

It makes me sad and vulnerable to write and share this, but again with the whole helping people thing. I was cleaning my kitchen up tonight after dinner that I made in the house I bought at 24 years old by the way and I was thinking about all of this. Hence why I am sharing with you. Man, this blog is a sad one.

I now check the last time they were active on Facebook because I am waiting on them to prove to me that they don’t want to talk to me. Pathetic right? A way of checking? Non-trusting? It takes me a while to trust and you have to earn it. If you’re in my life, have you earned it?

Another issue I thought about tonight over the kitchen sink was my self issues. Self respect, self confidence, self love, self care, self loathing. I come off very confident. And Rick is smiling at this. But I do come off as confident. And I am, mainly when I’m manic or very anxious or feel really pretty or going into an event or something, when the spotlight is on me or I’m under pressure or in control. But the truth is, I’m insecure. And I’m very insecure in relationships. I seek attention. I need attention from my family and friends, especially from my partner. I make bad decisions. I’ve made self destructive decisions in the past because of self issues as well as being bipolar. It feels like I don’t have any confidence left. And it seems impossible to get back.

I’ve always struggled with body image, especially when I was younger. When I was a cheerleader, literally all muscle, the guy I had a crush on told me I didn’t make the high school cheerleading squad because I was too fat. When in reality, I had a banging body, and still do, and the reason I didn’t make it is because I couldn’t tumble. But I was one of the best cheerleaders when it came to actually cheering and dancing. I more so struggle with the mental body image now more so than I do with the physical one. I really care about being healthy more than I do about being thin or skinny. I want to have a strong and healthy body as well as a strong and healthy mind. Boy, is that a journey that is easily derailed.

I have to really stay anchored in my mind to be okay with life. To be okay with everyday life. To be grounded. A lot of y’all take that sh*t for granted when my mind does not do that naturally and fights anything like that.

It is so hard to be me sometimes. And it’s hard to love myself. Especially when others point out that I’m hard to love and make feel like I’m not chosen. Especially when I’ve chosen people who do not choose me. It takes a lot to be a friend, to be a partner. And I know I’m worth it. A lot of people see me as a strong person, an inspiration. And those things are true. But they forget about the dinners alone, what I’m doing when I’m not out to eat with friends all the time. I run from the truth a lot. I’m not where I want to be at in life right now. If I could choose, you ask? Well let me just tell you:

If it were up to me, the person I want to marry would make me feel as if they were as sure as me about us, they would put every fear and anxiety about what they have done in the past to rest. They would acknowledge the fact that I’m scared of being hurt like they’ve hurt me before, scared of being fooled like I was before. I wish they would know how much they’ve hurt me and the scars they’ve left and now have to take care of, the scars I’ve given myself. If it were up to me, there wouldn’t be distance, they’d be sure about us and act on it, do the damn thing. There would never be a “soon,” there would be a “finally.” I’d have a ring on my finger, they would be intentional, I wouldn’t have to go behind them and make sure everything is in order/planned, I wouldn’t have to be let down when they don’t follow through with a plan, I wish they would know when they say things I take them as concrete because I’m scared and I’m trying with all my power to trust. But I trusted before and look where that got me. They have got to see that. If it were up to me, which it is, I’d be a best-selling author. I would be going on book tours. I’d be a motivational speaker and I would help people. Because I’m different. And God is using me. If it were up to me, they’d be my wife. If I could write the ending, it would be them. But I’m not the author of this story, He is. And I surrender that. I have only ever felt this certain about one other person and that person is in heaven now. But this story is different. There is more hurt, there is more pain, there is more learning, there is more tribulation, there is more growing, uncertainty, more walking in faith than I’ve ever had to do. And it’s hard. If it were up to me, there would be no more waiting. Will this end in a happy ending? I don’t know.

This waiting period has been one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I have felt like I am not enough, I will not be chosen, I am not chosen, I have it all, but it’s just not me, I’ve felt and I’ve been shown that I am the second choice. I’ve experienced almost every emotion in the book, I’ve been angry, mad, confused, so hurt, so disappointed, happy, excited, inexperienced. I’ve felt lost. I haven’t felt like myself. It’s been a trying time.

You can only control 3 things:

1) yourself

2) your faith

3) your actions

You cannot control anything else. To be so passionate really does have its downsides. It’s the feeling depressed because they haven’t texted you when they first wake up. But seeing they’re on Facebook. It’s the wanting them so badly but the decision is theirs and it really can’t be talked about because it has been decided. “It will.” “We will.” “Be patient.” “Don’t be anxious.” Tell that to the scars you’ve left. And that he left. And that they all left. If I’m telling you something, there’s a reason. I’ve got a demon on my back screaming at me that you don’t want me and you’ll leave too. That this will fail too. That I’ll be fooled again. That another person won’t love me. It’s okay not to have it all together. And it’s okay to need other people. I try to give give give. But I need some take take take.

My advice to you is this: if any of these shoes fit you, it’s okay. If you feel like you need to make a change, you have my support. But you are loved. Don’t take life for granted. Your story must go on, sweetart. And yes, I said sweetart. :-)

Thank you for reading. This was a tough one.
Yours,

Anna