Manic Panic, Part One

I love this title. I had several different names picked out for some artistic ideas/paths of mine and “The Manic Panic” was one of them. But, “The Woman Crush Wednesday” took the cake and here we are.

I remember when I was 19 and my boyfriend at the time, Chris (the first one), and my old best friend and basically brother, Christian, noticed something mental health wise was going on with me.

Christian said to me, “You do realize you just snapped at me for no reason, right?” And I knew he was right.

Once I realized it, I reached out to my godmother’s “therapist” in Memphis. There’s a reason I put therapist in quotations. She gives therapists a bad name.

She later has had her license revoked twice. Let’s just say I do not like the woman. And she does not need to be a therapist, excuse me, a psychiatric doctor. The word therapist feels so wrong when describing her. Oh, and I also left her a terrible review on Google. Can you tell I’m passionate about this?

After I initially reached out for help, we contacted my first mental health clinic, and of course, I got on Google. Not sure what order I did the last two in, but yes, I self-diagnosed. (And I was later right). What did Google tell me? That I’m bipolar.

I took a bunch of quizzes. They also said bipolar. I was convinced I was. But I wasn’t.

I have always been a huge mental health advocate and I’ve always enjoyed sharing my heart even if that ever means feeling embarrassed, ashamed, “crazy,” or irrational. But the truth is - just like that always going around Facebook saying - the right people will love you. And the embarrassed, ashamed, crazy, and irrational feelings - they do not deserve a place in my heart.

I’ll admit, admitting I am manic depressive for the whole world to see is a little terrifying because there is such a stigma behind it. To me, bipolar disorder is fascinating as all of mental health. But it is one of the ways my brain works. And I am even more beautiful because of it. And so are YOU.

That same initial appointment, I was told I had generalized anxiety disorder, was prescribed an antidepressant, was told some things about myself, was recommended I find a therapist if I wanted to talk things out, and sent on my way.

Let me tell you - that medication…PHEW. Getting on that medicine was the first time I had ever had a really bad mental health thing. It was not fun. She warned me as to what would happen, but what happened to me and what has happened a lot of others should never happen. For those curious, I was put on Zoloft. Zoloft is a great medication, it just did not work with my body.

I remember watching the new 90210, which I’ve watched like at least 5 times and will continue to watch again (this is for you, iTunes for removing the show from the iTunes store!). One of the most interesting and compelling characters is Erin Silver. She was a high school student, had a blog, was intense, loved hard, was sassy, had attitude, was passionate, out there. She also was bipolar. This show did an amazing job casting that role in Jessica Stroup and also directing and creating a bipolar character. Jessica did an amazing job bringing the manic depressive side of Silver out. I love Silver, but I also admire her even more because I do relate to her on so many levels.

I’ve been going to therapy for basically 4-5 years now. And it has been super beneficial. But sometimes, you have to have help in a medicine sense. I got to that point. So I got help.

FINALLY after years of self discovery, someone else noticed the manic depressive behavior. And treatment began.

It has been good but also rough getting treatment and learning. Learning how to deal with it with medication has been interesting sometimes. But I am better on the medication.

I think we need to normalize talking about mental health and the struggles we have because it is truth. Imagine how many people feel alone. Do not be the reason someone feels alone.

When I was first diagnosed, I felt relieved. And had a great sense of, “I was right!” I knew I should’ve trusted my gut then. Because I am empathetic and intuitive. Truth is, I’ve got a gift. And I am learning how to use it. As the day went on, I started to feel down about it; it started to sink in.

“This is another reason for them not to love me.”

That statement went through my head.

Again, the right people will love you and accept you. And that may not be immediately. But in time, the true people in your life will shine through that darkness. And let me tell you - my God loves and accepts and loves you and me. No matter what that looks like. We are His and He is ours.

So what does my bipolar disorder entail (literally every person is different)?

Find out in my part two coming soon.

A