Unconditional, Part Two

When I was younger, I had this dream, a very special dream. I dreamt of myself in a dark green velvet dress while on this boat. And I dreamt of a proposal by my partner. This is a dear story and a dear dream to me. I’ve never been on a dinner boat before; I imagine what that would be like. And I imagine what our proposal would look like.

Every time I wear dark green, or velvet even, I feel beautiful. And special. I love the combo together, but it has to be for something special. 

True vulnerability should scare the sh*t out of you. 

I know who I want. And I know how much work and effort I would put into it. But I fear is love enough for them?

Because it is enough for me. 

I don’t care how hard it is, I care that I have them. That is the only thing that matters, we have each other. At the end of the day, no matter what fight, what miscommunication, no matter what insecurity, we’re both there. I don’t care if I have a sleepless night, at least I have them. I don’t care if I’m not okay sometimes if they’re not here, at least I have them. I am scared that this obstacle is going to get in the way of both of our happiness both together and individually. What they should know is I would do anything to make this work out. And I would do anything for their happiness, even sacrifice my own.

Gosh, I want to be that last person they ever love. I want to be the one they crave, not just another girlfriend that doesn’t work out or last; I am made to last for them. I am the best thing for them. When they look into my eyes, they know I am different. There is something about me. I am different and I am special. Because I can feel it. I can feel that they love me. I know I have the ability to be the one for them. But – the everyday of choice of three things has to be made: 1) walking in faith 2) having the correct mindset (hope > fear; I even had this as my wallpaper to remind me) and 3) choosing me. Without the everyday decision to choose these, it will crash and burn. 

We have fought. We have cried. They have left. We’ve blocked each other, not spoken. We’ve weaved in and out of each other’s lives. But we always come back. This last time around, they busted through the door coming back. I hope they never stop busting down my door.

Remember that ring in “Diamond?” Remember how I said they would never know about it and that it would stay locked up? Yeah, it went home with them yesterday. As well as the package of cards that I wrote the reasons I love them on every card as well as songs. Did I say I was sentimental? Or is that obvious?

Never say never. Just when I thought the door was closing, they swung that door wide open again. And thank God they did. Thank God that He placed that feeling on their heart. Thank God it bothered them enough to speak up and actually be emotional. See, giving you a hard time and pushing you is a form of love. Isn’t that what God does?

Why do you think we crossed paths again after five years? And we keep crossing paths? Why do you think we keep coming back?

My gut tells me…God. 

God will never give us something we cannot handle. There is a reason for everything. But, we have to do our part. As my mother and best friend likes to tell me, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” Drink the damn water. So if I feel like I have my soulmate in front of me, by God, I’m going to act like it.

“Do not let this opportunity go, do not let them slip through your fingers,” thank you, my dear Rick. That advice is for you, too. Fear is never supposed to win. Let’s see… 1 Philippians 4:8. 

So act like it. And get that mindset right. It’s all about the choices and the mindset. It’s about trust in each other and in, most importantly, God. 

Either it’s my biggest heartbreak or they’re my spouse. But it will not be a result of my not trying or having faith or not trusting. Did you hear me when I said that? I am trusting you.

I can see all of this, the good, the bad, the ugly, but I see YOU. What I am scared (terrified) of is not making them happy. Of receiving that information that this isn’t working out for them. Of hearing that that they would okay with letting me and us go. 

Pain doesn’t scare me. I’ve had enough pain as a 25-year-old as a normal person has their whole life. The risk of some more does not intimidate or scare me. Anxiety doesn’t scare me. I am a fighter. I will fight for what I want and who I want, and I won’t let those things scare me. Yes, it’ll overwhelm me. But they’re it. 

I am an incredible woman. I am strong. I am worthy. I am enough. I love hard. And I care hard. I have been ashamed of that, but no longer. It has been a struggle, accepting myself, but it is a work in progress. I don’t know who needs to hear this (YOU), but you will never have yourself together. Life is a learning process. One never stops, “working on yourself.” But what can stop is the opportunity to make it yours. Yes? We do not want “The One That Got Away,” sh*t.

Their hand is the one I want in mine. I want them to go pick out a ring with the most meticulous intent. I want to put a ring on that finger one day. I cannot wait for the day that they look me in the eye and ask me to finally be theirs even though my heart has been theirs since day one. I want all of that and I want everything. I daydream about those moments literally all the time. I drive down the road and daydream about these moments. I want it all. But it’ll take work, commitment, effort, tears, prayer, teamwork, and just having each other no matter the sacrifice. As long as we have each other, that is all that really matters to me. I just hope that’s what matters to them or at least is stronger than their fears, insecurities, and mental health struggles. 

I want them to crave me. I want to be different than just a relationship. I want them to look at me and say, “I cannot lose them again and I won’t.” I am their end game. They’re just going to have to get over that fear. 

It’s like throwing up or sneezing, taking a risk and a leap of faith, it is a necessary evil. 

I don’t know about you, but I hate “what ifs,” and that is why I try my best to rule out every outcome by doing everything I can to say I did everything I could. 

It is so hard to trust especially when you’ve been hurt. When you have trauma and hurt in the past, it is hard to accept that what is happening is good now. I have been dropped from a lot of relationships and friendships, too. Even in my family, I’ve been dropped. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m extremely loyal, I love hard, and I love forever (unfortunately) even to those who do not deserve it. 

If it feels right, what is stopping you from claiming the love of your life? The time is now. All we’ve got is right now. 

I remember, recently, sitting at a bar and grille in a city close to home with my friend Rick. We quickly connected; it’s funny how soul connections just happen. I told him about this person coming back into my life the day it happened. And he almost automatically knew that this person had my heart. And he told me that. As I told him the story, he pointed things out to me, asked me questions. We ended up in tears. 

I’ll never forget him saying to me, “Do not let this opportunity pass you by.” And I do not intend to. So, that night, which they do not know, Rick and I left that bar in Nashville, went to Kroger by the Hundred Oaks Mall, put three bouquets of red roses together, Rick stole some ribbon, I wrote the note, and Rick posed as a delivery boy at their workplace as I stood by the car in the parking garage. 

I remember how much of a pep in my step I got from the idea of doing something sweet for them. I was so excited to get these flowers to them. It was so cute. And it was so special that my best friend Rick was with me to experience it with me.

“They would not drive here from West Tennessee just to give me flowers,” they said. Again, I most definitely would as I would do anything for their happiness and for this to work. And I’ll leave that there.

If you know, you know. You’re really going to let the silly things cloud the fact that the day has finally come that you’ve been wanting forever? You’re going to let that cloud the joy? If the shoe fits. 

Isn’t love worth it? Look up that Corinthians love. You know, the same verses tattooed on your back. 

Don’t run from this and don’t run from me. Don’t do it.

I don’t want fear to win. If this does not work, I want to be able to stand strong and say, “I fought the good fight, stood on faith, and I did everything I could.” “Hope is greater than fear,” is one of my all-time favorite quotes and it is from The Hunger Games.And it’s absolutely true. This is the quote I’ve had as my wallpaper several times. 

I am going to give it everything I’ve got. This is it. This is the time. 

They drive me up the f*cking wall. In more ways than one. They can’t ever be on time. They can’t ever make a plan and stick to it for more than an hour. It’s their way or the highway. They’re as stubborn as a Chinese bull. They have not done everything right (neither have I). The ride has not been always smooth (and that’s okay, it doesn’t have to be). They don’t line up with every single “requirement” I have as a spouse, but it’s THEM. Let me know when you figure out that difference. It’s a beautiful difference. That’s the difference in just dating someone and in dating your person. Again, “I Do,” by Aloe Blacc. Do me a favor and listen to it as well as listen to me. I don’t speak to hear myself talk. Well, sometimes (most of the time). 

See, I’m funny. 

They make me want to kiss them and choke (absolutely not literally, we get the quote here) them at the same time (that’s how you know it’s real), but, they’re also one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen. I simply cannot get enough of them. I absolutely crave them. And they have my heart. Our intimacy fulfills me and I have not really and truly experienced that before. I truly do love them with my whole heart and I am trusting them with it. And am trusting the process. And am trusting God in everything. 

I am an empath. I feel other people’s stuff. It can be exhausting. But – it is fulfilling. Listening to my gut has been a learning process, but it is so neat. When I’m passionate about something, I eat it up; I’m all about it. I am choosing to listen to my gut instead of the fear and insecurities. Make that same decision, every day. And you will not fail. Do not get in your own way of your own happiness and happy ending. As Rick tough loved me in saying, “do not let them slip away.” And I won’t. 

I told them the other day that they were my partner in marriage. Whether they believe me or not, it’s true. I’d marry them tomorrow if I could. That is how sure I am. I’ve told them this before: they will probably not understand me, but, I am sure. And they have to trust me as well. How about them apples?

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