Unconditional, Part One
As this year is quickly coming to a closing, I would like to reflect on one certain relationship that keeps coming back. The one that destroyed my heart, while also rebuilding it.
Matt, my husband, was my Chapter One. He was my first true love. You know what they say about your second love, it destroys you. And that it did.
I have cried. And cried. And cried. Over the fear of loosing them, over things that happened, the hurt, the triggers. The pain. The oh so close yet so far.
I remember when I first met this person. In the spring of 2016, my life was changed, but I didn’t know it yet. I wasn’t quite sure yet why I would feel the way that I did, it wasn’t the right timing, it wasn’t God’s timing.
Is this what God wants for me? I don’t know.
A huge word for me in this period of life is clarity. I keep asking God for it. And I know He’ll take care of it; He calms my storms. Faith. Faith. Faith.
I’ve wanted this for so long and it doesn’t seem to ever happen. So close yet so far. And that’ll wear down a person and will also wear down hope. Especially when you’ve fought and fought and forgiven and forgiven.
Let’s cut the bullsh*t. How do we really feel?
In 2016, I met my later Chapter Two. And I had no idea how they would later change my life. At Steak and Shake, in 2016, they were Matt and Is’ server. When I look back, I had no idea that they would be that next true love chapter in my life and that my two most epic loves of my life were standing in the same exact room.
Our story is a perfect story to display God’s timing. From the time they left the classic place where we met, The Olive Garden, to the time we reconnected earlier in this year, a lot of things happened. Their heart was broken, they accomplished a lot and began their dream career, they were themselves undeniably, which is something I’ve always admired, I lost my spouse.
And a lot has happened since we reconnected. A lot of pain, a lot of suffering. A lot of, “why?” A lot of soul searching. A lot of change. A lot of unknown. A lot of phone calls with my friends and family trying to figure out what the hell is going on and what would and what might happen, what could happen. A lot of therapy appointments centered on this subject. A lot of tears. A lot of learning. A lot of anxiety. A lot of discovering and being lost in a whole new world.
One thing that has never wavered is my love for this human.
And it is truly beautiful.
From the beginning of our reconnection, I was in. I had fallen head over heels. And was scared to death. We have had a rocky road, but I wouldn’t change it. Because every day, I have proven to them that my actions match my words.
I look back at that girl with medium length, damaged blonde hair wearing the red Patagonia pullover looking out the window at The Cheesecake Factory attached to the Green Hills Mall anxiously waiting to see this person after years of being apart. Feeling hopeful, nervous, anxious, ready, having no idea what to expect. After hours of talking about it with my best friend, it was happening. I remember calling Brittany so excited when they went to the bathroom and later calling her again on the way to the next destination. One lunch date turned into almost a weekend. That one lunch date, that one Facebook message I sent and the risk I took lead me to my next great love and the ride of my life. February 5th, 2021, when I sent that message and took the risk, I didn’t have anything to lose if they rejected me. But in reality, I had the love of my life to lose.
I also remember the pain. And I almost feel sorry for the girl in the red Patagonia pullover.
I remember our first kiss; it was magical. When they kissed me, it felt like the world stopped. Like it was just me and them in that country bar that night. And then we danced under the lights on that dance floor.
Boy, can we laugh. And laugh. They taught me that a special form of intimacy can be laughter. And we very much so share that.
Loving them person gives me true joy. I have this patience with them that I’ve never really had before. It’s that Corinthians type of love.
Whenever I describe them to someone or show them a picture of them, and I have my favorite photo of them favorited in my phone by the way, I often say that they’re perfect. And I light up when I tell the story or even talk about them. I talk about their perfect skin, their ice blue eyes, their literal perfect smile, the cute little mole on below their eye, the same ole stud earrings. The same ole five colors they wear all year other than flannel and maroon in the fall. See, I pay attention.
I remember my best friend telling me, “Anna, they might be scared to be loved.” And I think that that is very much so true. And I understand that. But what’s even scarier to me is the thought of loosing the person I love. I am very much so a risktaker.
I have goals and aspirations in this life before I get home. And I am so proud of myself in this moment. Because through the fire and with all the bullsh*t pushed to the side, I have found my person, my Chapter Two. And I have loved them. As my motivational app likes to tell me, it takes a very strong heart to love after being hurt. And for that, I am very proud. Because no matter what, I will be rewarded for my faithfulness, forgiveness, and grace.
Our hearts and our souls line up, but our heads often clash. I see their soul underneath all the hurt and trauma. I see that beauty, that diamond in the ruff. And I would spend the rest of my life making sure they knew of that sparkle. But it takes two to tango. And they haven’t quite gotten on that dance floor.
I have always chosen them. But they haven’t always exactly chosen me. And it has hurt like a b*tch, let me tell you. They have made the wrong decisions and chosen the wrong people. But I hope they make the right choice for them this time.
One of the most strong and beautiful people, they are. A true beauty, they are. If they’d just cut the bullsh*t, they’d have more joy and maybe even a little release of that pain. They’re learning to look inward and I am happy for them for that. They also need to learn that what you do to people stays with them. They are the most stubborn. They are independent. They are fearless. Lights up around children and it makes me just smile. Nerds out about their passions. How they can get off the subject on our FaceTime calls or on any call in general. Them telling me, “I’m done with you,” and a laugh when I tell a dad joke. “I have a feeling my face is going to hurt from laughing by the end of the night,” they said to me that same night after the pivotable lunch. The night that changed my life. They have changed my life.
I haven’t been shown all of the trauma in their life, but I’ve seen enough to know it’s terrible and they did not deserve the pain they live with every day. And they didn’t deserve to not be truly loved. They deserve the world and all the love in the world. I hope that they learn to embrace that and love to take those things and not run from them.
These type of loves that I’m describing, for me, meaning my two chapters, I didn’t choose them, they choose me. “I Do,” by Aloe Blacc describes that perfectly. And also, “Yours,” by Russell Dickerson describes a lot of how I felt too.
I knew that reopening some of these wounds and doors to these memories would be challenging and also rewarding. Do not think I open up very easily like I seem to, ask any of my friends. Talking about my feelings can be hard for me, too.
They’ve asked me why I love them and what it is about them that makes me love them because they don’t see what it is, that hurts my heart. They’ve expressed how they’re scared they won’t match up to my Chapter One, which also hurts my heart for several reasons.
But what they don’t realize is: by their existence, they’re more than enough.
No matter what has happened, no matter what they do, my heart comes to the same conclusion: I love them anyway. I can try to run, but it’s still there, “haunting” me. The love I have for this person is unconditional. Maybe that makes me a love sick fool, but at least it’s honest.
To be continued.