Emotional Abuser, Ed. One

Emotional Abuser, Ed. One

Check phone. No notification.
Put phone up so you don’t have to check it.
Check to see if they’ve read my message. Or they’ve been active on Facebook.

Why/Have they been on FB but not texting me back?

All of these thoughts (and in no relevant order) have been through my head. As have all of these excuses:
He’s busy. He’s at work. He doesn’t want to talk after a long day. He’ll talk to me later. He doesn’t like to text at work.

So what is emotional abuse?
What is emotional abuse exactly?
It’s hard to tell what is and what isn’t. Physical abuse leaves physical scars while emotional and verbal abuse leave sometimes and often times more permanent scars.

Let’s see what Google says:
“Psychological abuse, often called emotional abuse, is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.”

I met a guy at work who was one of my good friends before we started “dating.” After we hit a certain point, everything went downhill. True colors came out, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t really know. I didn’t know (and didn’t know at the time to look for it either) when he was sober. He lied. All. The. Time. He manipulated me. All. The. Time. I didn’t really figure all this out until the lightbulb went off in my head after I found out some specific news.

One of the hardest things was not knowing. Knowing I’d probably never know. I’m a control freak, I like to KNOW. Even though.....we never know in the grand scheme of things. God is our pilot and I’m so glad that He is. He has protected me more times than once or twice or even 100,000+ more times. Especially when I didn’t deserve it. He has helped me find my way. Has continued to bless me. Even if I didn’t deserve it. Even when I didn’t and don’t deserve it. He truly is amazing. And being saved does not mean that you have it easy from now on; it means you have an expected end and someone to walk through life with. You have Him. And He has you. He only wants your heart, that’s it.

These guys may not have meant to do all of this. I’ve experienced emotional abuse with two different guys. One who I met at work and one who I met at a store, he worked there. The one at our work didn’t mean to leave scars that have lasted since 2017. He didn’t know. He didn’t mean to. He was messed up himself. The one I most talk about was the one I met at work. He still has an effect on me. Isn’t that crazy? I mean… I had to have emotional reprocessing therapy because of him. I had triggers that I struggled with for the longest time.

BUT. It made me who I am today. In an odd way, I’m thankful for it.

God forgives them too. I’ve been an emotional abuser before too. My old best friend and I aren’t friends anymore probably because of me. It sucks, but I’ve grown from my mistakes. I was in a horrible place. And leaned on her too much. I drained her. I stressed her out. I’m sure gave her anxiety. I hate that I hurt her. But I’ve apologized and that’s all I can do. I’ve tried to reconcile, but she was hesitant, which I get. I should’ve been more hesitant to people who hurt me. The guy I was talking about earlier-I’ve given him chance after chance after chance after chance. But with emotional abusers who had that much control and hold over you-it’s hard to let them go. It’s hard to NOT forgive them. And it’s also hard to not forget the scars they left while they were present or while they were gone. And come back. And while left again. And come back again. They have both come back. And all it ever seems to do is cause heartbreak. Or cause me to go into even more irrational patterns. Anxiety. It’s hard to know what you deserve when the people you love don’t give it to you. When you love that person so much that you’re willing to excuse the behavior or the lack thereof.

With love, there has to be sacrifice.

Psychology Today lays it out there on the line for us (Signs of Emotional Abuse):
Constant criticism or attempts to manipulate and control
Shaming and blaming with hostile sarcasm or outright verbal assault
The use of shaming and belittling language
Verbal abuse — name-calling
Withholding affection as punishment
Punishment and threats of punishment
Refusal to accept her part in the dynamic
Mind games, such as gaslighting, when it comes to accepting personal responsibility for her own happiness
Refusing to communicate at all
Isolating him from supportive friends and family

As far as the actual definition, I am not 100% sure what emotional abuse is. Like Psychology Today said...when is it emotional abuse? It’s so hard to tell. There is a thin line for sure. I’m a victim of mind games, gaslighting, refusal to communicate. What he did put permanent scars on me. BUT. I need to forgive and continue to learn to live with the scars he gave me. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse anything at all. It helps everyone and that’s what we’re called to do.

I loved both of these men. And saw futures
with both of them. But I guess God was protecting me maybe. Or it just wasn’t meant to be. Without everything in past, I may not have met the guy I met and who I’m already falling for. But, with that being said, God’s timing is PERFECT. And Mr. Right came along right when I needed him.

Has it been perfect? No, not from me.

My scars have carried over into my
relationships after these two men. And that’s okay. It sucks...but it’s okay. The right person will want to help you and hear you out.

Unpopular opinion and side note: the abuse was my fault TOO. I allowed it. I kept taking them back too easily. I let it happen.

I’ve learned that talking about it helps me. Talk about it! Talk it out. Be vulnerable. Trust. It’s worth it.

Just because they hurt you doesn’t mean that your new person will. Ask my best friend has told me a time or two...don’t let your anxiety get the best of you.

(Anxiety is okay, though). It will get better.
XOXO

Posted: 02/26/2020