Hey Stephen
“Hey Stephen”
03/27/2020
By: Anna Lax Gatti
“Hey Stephen” is a song by Taylor Swift. No, I’m not writing this to a Stephen per say...for those of you who know me real personally...you’ll see what I’m trying to do here. And you might giggle a little.
Have you ever met someone and kinda felt like everything was kinda coming together? Or like this is gonna be a really good thing? Yeah, me too.
I QUICKLY developed love for this person. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He’s spunky when he’s comfortable. He’s been through a lot. And to me, despite everything, he’s a beautiful person and has a beautiful soul.
Have you ever loved someone and thought that you didn’t want to? That’s how I feel. It hurts. Because he doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. I want to talk to him and there’s so much I have to say, but there’s so much to say that you don’t know where to start.
This would be a lot easier if I didn’t love him.
I’m used to fighting. You don’t just give up on love. You don’t just give up on someone you talked about spending Thanksgiving with or someone you saw yourself having kids with. I mean...he literally said that he sees himself having a baby with me.
So what happened?
Miscommunication
Anxiety
Confusion
Fear
Insecurity
Family
My past being told
I love him. He drives me up the wall, but I still love him. And that’s how I know it’s real. It hurts. It sucks. And it’ll take a minute to heal. But I did and still do genuinely love him. It basically took me losing him to fully see the extent of my feelings. I want to be involved in his life. I want to be there. I want to be right there. I want to love him fearlessly. I want him to want me too. Will that happen? I don’t know. I have this weird feeling that it’s not over or it’s not finished. I wish that he never felt any insecurity or any uncertainty about how I felt about him. I wish I could take it all away from him. It’s like my heart won’t let me give up. But when will this end? Is it supposed to end? What is the right thing supposed to feel like?
Three years ago, something happened. It is no one’s business. Period. BUT, certain people found out about it & put a guard up. When in reality, I did nothing wrong. While I understand precautionary caution, this happened three years ago. Do you know how different I am now than I was 3 years ago? Oh, honey! HA!
I’ve been through therapy for it. I’ve asked for forgiveness for it. I’ve battled it internally. I’ve struggled with it. I shouldn’t be labeled in such a way. There is much more than the story; everything is not what it seems.
The reality is: relationships are between two people. Like my best friend said, what happens behind closed doors is between the people. Not Susie Q, mommy dearest, father, and sissy poo. Yes? Can I get an amen?
I treated him well. I did things for him. I went out of my way. Where is he? Nowhere to be found. He left.
I love him. But when is enough enough? I can’t keep chasing someone who has been up and down about the way they feel or what they want.
As our mutual friend said, “everyone makes mistakes.” He’s made mistakes, too.
I may still love him, but I deserve that love, too.
Tonight, I was good emotionally. My back hurts, but hey, I’m good mentally. It’s a win win! Lol.
But on a serious note, I came to the conclusion that I need to let him go.
It’s what’s best for him.
And me.
I can now look at the situation and be thankful and fully be glad I met him. The feeling of wishing I never met him has gone away; thank You, God. I’m so glad I sat down and really prayed yesterday. Y’all remind me to keep doing that, ok? :-)
I am okay letting him go. I can smile at the fact that I am setting this free.
I am thankful.
I gained some friends along the way. Some good friends. Who have been so helpful. Thank you- you two know who you are.
One friend told me to listen to “Let Her Go” by Passenger. And he let her go.
So, Stephen, whoever you are, I love you. And I really do wish you the best. I do wish it could’ve been me who could love you forever and make you happy, but it’s not me. Like you said, I lost you forever because I did one thing you didn’t like.
All I can do now is love you from afar, move on, be happy, and pray for you. After all, isn’t that a sign of real love?
Love always,
Annie
Posted: 03/27/2020