Love After Loss, Edition One
Love after Loss, Edition One
I found someone who I felt the same way about as I did Matt. But I didn’t know what the future held. Nothing is guaranteed. But I do know Who gave me that person. And I do know Who held our futures whether we were together or separate. I knew that if it didn’t work out with this person, it would hurt. But I would be okay.
It didn’t hurt that much. Because God put someone better in their place. I saw a post on Facebook about someone asking God for something and (I think it was a she?) she was holding a bouquet of flowers. Jesus had a bigger bouquet of flowers behind His back. I feel like this is my life right now.
God places people in our lives for different reasons. And often times…their purpose may not be what we think it is or what we want it to be. This person who I met and talked to on and off again, who I thought was my person, turned out to not be. I did have something else written for this subject…but they didn’t deserve my words. They didn’t deserve my effort. They didn’t deserve my anxiety. They didn’t deserve the excuses I made for them when they didn’t talk to me much. Or when he left me on read for 2 days. Did they ask about the emotional abuse I went through? No. Your person isn’t going to make you wonder. This person wasn’t MY person no matter how bad I wanted him to be. Sprinkle of Jesus did it again in their notification this evening: “Don’t settle for temporary pleasures. You’re worth more than a late night text & an uncommitted soul.” I made excuses and excuses and excuses for this dude. And he wasn’t worthy of my time or patience. If you have to wonder if they are, they probably aren’t. The harsh reality is-they will be there if they want to be. I learned that from all of the Facebook memes.
The other harsh reality is: we never know.
I took time for granted. I thought that I was going to have kids with Matt; I thought Matt was going to be the father of my children, but he will not be. There was a part of me that wanted to be pregnant, but also not. Because I would be a single mom by default and have to be a new mother while also grieving. And the child/children would grow up without their dad/not knowing their dad. The stress I’ve been through would not have been good for the baby either. I thought we would renew our vows on June 29th, 2019, but we did not. I prayed for us to live a long and happy life together and for both of our health and safeties. But The Lord had a different plan. Amen?
I thought I had forever with Matt. But I didn’t. I only had his forever. I didn’t have mine. But that’s okay. God still has me here for a reason. And, hopefully, God has another epic love out there for me (I hope I’ve already met him and that he’s reading this).
I’m so thankful for this new person.
This new person deserves my heart. He deserves my time. He doesn’t give me anxiety. He makes me feel safe. He makes my heart feel safe. He makes me feel like the only girl in the world. He gives me those high school relationship feelings again.
There’s always the ‘what ifs,’ right? If it doesn’t work out, at least I have hope. Hope that I CAN love again. And that I have. And that I WILL. That is how I’m designed. I am relationship oriented. I love my friends, my family, my person with my whole heart. And I believe I’ve found this person, but am I theirs? I don’t know. Only time will tell. And only God knows. I cried because I was scared. I was scared of loosing this person who I thought was my person. I actually cried because of fear the other night. BUT: God has not given us a spirit of fear...but of a sound mind and self control. Yes? Yes! 2 Timothy 1:7. That verse also says that He gives us a spirit of love and power. How freaking powerful is that?!
God places individuals in our lives for a reason. It isn’t accidental. Whether it’s positive or negative; we need both to make the world go round, correct? Side note~ one good thing from what I had originally written: my good friend once told me that God knows no distance. Amen! That’s freaking true. Obviously. Nothing is too big for Him; AMEN!
The whole point of this is this: we shouldn’t be afraid of love. And I’m preaching to myself here. I don’t want to go another day without embracing it or at least trying, I guess. I got a notification today from A Sprinkle of Jesus that said: nobody can tell you how you should be feeling. Isn’t that the truth?! One thing that people get it twisted about is this: I know my own heart. I know how I feel. The one who has to live with my life is me. I will have to live with my decisions and my regrets, not you or the next person. No one else lost Matthew Gatti as their husband...I did. I was one of those people that would say things like, “oh I wouldn’t do that,” etc. But I had no clue. And I was so ignorant. Like SO ignorant. No matter what I do, I will deal with judgement. It’s natural. It’s human nature. But the only one who has to live my life is moi. Oui?
I’m going to say this again because the following words originally went with this statement: I got a notification today from A Sprinkle of Jesus that said: nobody can tell you how you should be feeling. I’m a sappy person who is a romantic at heart. But. I’ve also been hurt. Time and time again. By the same people. Or by different people. I’ve been through emotional abuse. Loss. But I carry my heart on my sleeve. And I believe in love at first sight. And loving someone after 2 days. (I loved Matt after 2 days). And I married him. I guess I know a lil something.
I often say I’m a lot to deal with. I have anxiety. I attach too easily. I care too much. But, the person who gave me anxiety, caused me stress, and ultimately let me down, this person told me to never change the way God made me. That will stick with me. To the guy who didn’t treat how I should be treated: thank you. Because when your door closed, the new guy’s door opened right when I needed it to. Isn’t it funny how God works sometimes?
Xoxo
Anna
PS-Sorry this was posted technically on Thursday lolz. I promise I'll be better!! Thank you for reading!! <3
Posted: 02/20/2020
Photo went with this blog with this quote on it: “TEMPORARY PLEASURES: Don’t settle for temporary pleasures. You’re worth more than a late night text & an uncommitted soul.” - Sprinkle of Jesus