I Want

Hello, friends. Welcome to my TedTalk at 12:05 am after I’ve cleaned literally almost all night because the person I’m head over heels for is coming and I don’t want to appear as a total slob. Yes?

As I sit in the bathtub writing this blog as I wanted to, I am noticing that I am okay. Not really too much anxiety. But boy has there been all day! Phew! Damn.

Today, folks, I am going to write because that’s what I do best. And we can hope that they will stumble on this blog some hour of this night or day depending on what kind of owl.

I want to talk about what I want. What this person knows and doesn’t. I know what love is. I’ve seen my marriage almost end. I’ve also seen it come back from absolute shambles: props to God for saving it! 🙌🏻🙏🏻 Thank You, God, Almighty Healer. I knew after 2 days that I loved Matt. 2. I am not crazy. The conventional relationship has never existed in my world. There is never a dull moment.

Let’s talk about what I want.

I want my Chapter Two.
Matt was my Chapter One. Now, I want my Chapter Two. It has almost been 2 years since Matt passed on. Loving this person has made me see that I can love like that again: true and pure love, actual love. Not that fake stuff that I thought was love, where something was obviously missing.

I’m tired of being alone. Of staying alone. I want that somebody. I want that trust. That sacrifice. I want them to look at me like I look at them. I want to keep up with somebody and then me.

I want my person to want to know my past because it’s important to me.

I’ve done some horrible things, absolutely horrible. Despicable. But it doesn’t make me a bad person and it doesn’t make me any less amazing.

Jesus died on the cross for everyone, Karen.

Recently, I’ve made some discoveries about myself. And that’s okay. I’m growing into Anna and who I’m supposed to be.

I’ve recently made another discovery. Well, I actually kinda realized it 5 years ago and then almost 3 years ago, but, ya know. Anyways.

This person has my attention. Let me say that again: they have my attention. They make time stop kinda deal. Like. It’s serious. They’re life changing. And they don’t even know how serious it is or how serious I am or at least they don’t all the way believe it yet. But they’ll see.

Ya know that almost sick feeling you get sometimes when you look at a photo of that person? Yeah, me too sometimes. Sick in a good way. They make me nervous. I actually have something to loose here; this is not like any other relationship I’ve had since Chapter One ended. This is a real type of thing. The type that will hurt you if it doesn’t work out. And I’m terrified. Terrified of getting hurt. Terrified of not getting to love them. Terrified of them never wanting me the same as I want them. Terrified of loosing them. If there was any situation where anxiety was present in my life, this would be one of the top ones. Because you just wanna know. Ya know?

They can make your stomach turn. In the best way.

Those certain looks they can have on their face. Damn. Their crystal eyes. Damn. Their amazing heart. Damn. Their amazing faith. Damn. I mean, dang. 👀 let me say it again:

Jesus died for everyone. No matter how S T U P I D we are. Or how much we disrespect Him. He still loves us. Just like Hannah Brown said. 💁🏼‍♀️

Those dang butterflies.

Will I be enough? That’s one of my greatest fears in this. When you’ve given them all that they’ve said they’ve wanted. When they’ve said verbatim that that’s all they’ve ever asked for. But is it Anna?

There’s this song by Aloe Blacc named, “I Do.” And he says, in the song, that love chooses you. That is so true. My heart chooses this person.

It just doesn’t matter anymore; they matter. It’s them.

Two of the most important things:

1) God and I are talking more. I am praying more. Leaning on Him more. We are getting closer. This has brought us closer. Because I need Him. Through the anxiety, He can give me clarity. I can trust Him.

2) I feel true and real love again.

You want to know them so bad. And them you. One of your greatest desires is them. You have this patience with them. Yes, you get in your head and you have a battle in your head. But you love them. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

But, will they love me?

Hoping and praying to God,

A