I’m Sorry

I lost someone I really care about yesterday.
My heart hurts.

Breakups suck. Even worse when it’s your own fault. And you feel abandoned for no relevant reason.

My emotional heart is bleeding. And it’s all my fault.
At least I was honest. At least I followed my heart.
I didn’t even get a chance to explain myself-wasn’t given it. All the baggage, emotional trauma, past mistakes that make me who I am-that wasn’t remembered. Only that I hurt them one more time. They couldn’t forgive me one more time. I feel like an azz. My emotional heart is bleeding. Of course - I go to to dinner and the same server waits on me that we usually had; I had to explain that one. She brought salt and pepper to the table; he’s the one that uses that at every. single. meal. I come home and the radio starts playing a song he sung one Saturday night at our routine karaoke night every Saturday night. What are my Saturday nights gonna look like now? His will be without me. I could think of some stuff to do that are last ditch efforts…but would they really work?

I screwed up a relationship with a man who loved me like Jesus does. Who, most of the time, gave me what I need.

I also need to forgive myself and realize that even though what I’ve done are bad things - I am still a good person. My good friend told me that yesterday as I was crying on and off after being broke up with through a text message. Savage of me to put that in here, I know right?
He encouraged me to sing. Maybe I’ll do that. I’ve been doing it more in the car; I’m getting pretty good. Guess my record ran out on this one. But it’ll play again.
Here’s a verse that rings so true (always) but especially to this situation -

Jeremiah 17:9: “The heart is deceitful above all things And desperately sick; who can understand it?” So true. Especially in this situation.

I’ve said above that I was following my heart. I was telling my best friend the other day that emotions and feelings are fleeting. So true. There’s a song that he and I used to sing that says (sings), “Need You Now.” Not sure where I was going with that statement. Maybe I’ll remember in a minute. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
I cried the other night in the parking lot thinking about loosing him (him passing away). And now he’s gone (from my life), but still here. That’s what people don’t understand about grief-let me explain the difference/what I mean: When your loved one dies, there is no future on the earth anymore with them. There is in heaven, but not on earth anymore. But when you break up with someone, there is that option. Does that make sense? It sucks. They both SUCK. But both hit different.
Anyways - enough with my pity party. Hope you enjoyed it. Just getting some thoughts and feelings out. Although . . . Maybe it was my feelings and thoughts that began the trouble as well. Like I’ve said: it’s only really a problem when you’ve done something with those feelings and thoughts (to the other person, that’s when it becomes a problem). There’s a verse that talks about lust {sin} in the mind and how it’s a sin before actions are made - but it’s best to acknowledge those feelings, not necessarily entertain them but accept them, but to just be honest with God and how you feel with Him. I have regrets, I’ve made mistakes. But I have to show myself grace, love, and give myself forgiveness. Hey, like Toby Mac and Lecrae said, “we all make mistakes sometimes and we have all stepped across that line. But nothing’s sweeter than the day we find forgiveness.”
Forgive yourself.
If you happened to read this:

I’m sorry.

xoxo A