Love, Actually

“Love, Actually” is a movie I believe. And it is relevant for what I’m about to say.

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a therapist. I am NOT a preacher. There ARE two sides to every story.

What you have chosen to read is how I feel, some of my opinions, my desires, hurts. Here we go.

To all of you that have stuck by me when I’ve told you to leave, when I’ve hurt you (more than once), when I haven’t been the best friend you deserve, THANK YOU. When the relationship wasn’t what you felt you deserved, thank you for sticking by me. Thank you for realizing that I’m more than mistakes. That I’m worth that chance in your life. Thank you for loving me.

Now. What does love mean?
What does showing love mean?
Can love have more than one definition? Yes. Of course.

I‘ved messed up. I’ve hurt people. Over and over and over and over again. I’ve overstepped boundaries. I’ve gotten forgiveness when I really didn’t deserve it.

Now I thought I had someone who loved me like Jesus does and I felt that I could trust that person not to leave. Isn’t that why I was honest in the first place? Because in all reality, I could’ve not been honest and I still would have them today. I wouldn’t be hurting on Saturday’s because I’m not wanted anymore. I wouldn’t be hurting on Saturday’s because I would be getting ready or the routine plan every Saturday night. My only real worry would be what I was eating and who was joining us. I wanted a plan.

But since I messed up just one last time, they don’t want to hear what I have to say. They don’t want to see the growth after just a week or two. I’m becoming a healthier and better person for God and myself, but they CHOOSE not to be here for it. They CHOOSE to let hurt take over. I guess the reason WHY it hurts me and frustrates me and lets me down is because I’m always the one to give second and third and fourth and fifth chances.

Love is a four letter word. Hate is a four letter word. Guess what? Line is a four letter word. There is a thin LINE between LOVE and HATE. Am I right?

I hope when the hurts dies down after a few weeks or month(s), I hope they miss me. I hope the love they have is still there. I hope some hope is there. I hope they really dig down to see what they are feeling because that’s what I was doing in the first place. I have grace for myself because I was just following my heart (bad idea) and trying to figure it all out.

You don’t just go try to find another person to fill that void that the other one or the other other one left behind. You fix it with the one you love. Swallow your pride and get it done. I don’t know what else to say here people. Love is about breaking boundaries. It’s about breaking the “rules.” Who put boundaries and rules on love anyway? God? No. Not at all. See, God wants us to work it out. At the end of the day, the only one who CAN love us like God does is God.

Don’t get it twistedt. Love does not and I mean DOES NOT give you the right to disrespect the person you’re with and gives you a get of jail free card. It means when the person you said you wanted to marry is so broken that she is weeping and putting her fingers in her hair and crying and bawling her eyes out and she wants to drop to the ground and just weep, you step up. You defeat that hurt. You push it to the side to be there for the person you love. Because let’s face it…you don’t just stop loving someone. You can’t. If you do, the love really wasn’t there in the first place. Or it was, but it wasn’t what everybody thought.

These people who have given up on me, they don’t know me.

Love is an action. It’s a verb. It’s a choice. It’s a feeling. Love includes pain. It’s not all respect and rainbows. The real love is when you stick around. The real love is when you have sympathy. Patience. Love. But I guess the pain’s too strong, huh?

Wrong again. The LOVE is stronger. Hope is always greater than fear. You just have to want it. You have to fight. It’s not all about the respectable thing. Or sticking to your word of what you deserve. It’s about sticking to what you said and to your commitment. Love is also a commitment. Right? Right. By the way…you can’t just fall out of lurve in a week. Right? Right. Lol.

All of this has forced me to get closer to God. And maybe that’s the point of all this. Maybe that guy who won’t give me that another another chance isn’t who God has for me. Because he left me weeping and crying in the dirt like a damaged toy (theoretically). Where’s the love, people?

I don’t care what happened, a relationship ending is never just one person’s fault. And that came from a therapist, just to let y’all know.

At the end of the day, if I mess up over and over and over and over again, BUT I show (given the chance) that I want to change and do better and treat them the way they should’ve been treated in the first place and love them how they deserved in the first place, I want that guy to stand by me. I want to love all of someone and that person love all of me. And I’m not going to settle until I find it. Because I will be okay in waiting; God’s got me, honey. I want to make the necessary steps to be better. And all of the people who left because they just weren’t treated right-they’ll always have that wonder. And they’re regret it. Just like I said, right? There’s a reason they fell in the first place. That’s just covered up by all the nasty stuff. I’d rather a man pick up the diamond that is nasty and covered in dirt and help the diamond pick herself back up and clean herself up (don’t worry, God picked up that person’s slack too). What kind of man I don’t want is the type to say, “well, she hurt me too many times. I told her I couldn’t take it again and she did it anyway. I’m done.” And go get himself another shiner and prettier diamond, one without all the damage, right? But what about that one’s heart? Their soul? Just because they haven’t messed up yet doesn’t mean they’re the answer.

Today, I’m taking a bath. Shaving my legs. Playing some Lizzo music magic. Curling my hair. Slapping some makeup on. Taking a fantastic selfie. Looking cute. And enjoying my Saturday night plans. While they go to the routine plan and act like they’re okay and don’t miss me there. Instead of getting of the high horse and working it out with the woman you said you loved and wanted to marry. But that’s just me. I hope they enjoy singing their blues away. Meanwhile, I’ll sing to myself, to my dog, and to the Lord until my prince comes.

I promise you they will miss me there if they don’t already.

PSA: I choose to be with the man who gives me that second chance and takes a leap of faith. Who has faith in me. In us. Who takes that leap of faith on me. I choose the man who drops everything and comes and finds me and gives me a hug and a kiss and says I love YOU. “I’d rather fight with you than make love to anyone else,” as The Wedding Date says. If he ain’t that guy, my guy is out there. And he will fight for me ❤️ If they don’t take a leap of faith, I’ll be okay. I’ll remember who I am and Whose I am. I’ll straighten that gold crown up and keep walking. When I have an emotional spell, God, myself, friends, and family will pick me up off the ground and you’ll wish you were there.

Hope this helps you today. Don’t settle.
Xoxo

A