Expectations

Expectations… what does that mean?

Expectations should be had for standards sake, but as far as our futures and what we take for granted and what we think our lives are gonna be… you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

My old therapist told me one time while Matt was still in the academy (we weren’t technically together at that point in time, but got back together thanks to the GOOD LORD) that if it didn’t work out with Matt and I:

I needed to have a solid foundation in Christ so that I would be okay.

And I was. And am. Thank God for that foundation. But it’s not what I expected nor what I planned for. A good motto to live by is this:

Live like it’s your last day, but plan like it’s not your last and plan for forever.

I planned for forever with my husband, but it didn’t turn out the way I had planned. I was 23 and a widow. My life partner, love of my life went to heaven on May 6th, 2019; my life was changed forever.

I wish that this version of Anna could’ve loved Matt while he was here on earth. But, unfortunately, I can only love him from afar and I can love him by honoring him. Honoring him by keeping his memory alive, preserving our relationship, always loving him. He will be standing at the pearly gates when God calls me home. Man, I love God. Me and Him have become super super close over these past few weeks. And I am SO THANKFUL. He has fulfilled my every need. Let me tell you - anxiety will make you feel like He can’t. Which is a LIE. And is preposterous! God can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. And HAS, IS, AND WILL take care of our every need. There are lots of scripture to back that up.

Anxiety is a LIAR.

Anxiety has caused me to loose several people in my life. My mental health has caused me to loose several people in my life. BUT - with loss comes growth. Ever feel like you’re writing and several subjects are coming up in your head?! Yeah, me too.

Anyways… trying to stay on topic. But I’m not going to ;). I’m gonna follow my heart.

Also, following my heart has gotten me in trouble too. Recently, I really REALLY messed up in my relationship. Was given chance after chance after chance after chance, but the next chance wasn’t given. And I get it. But I have feelings too. I’m sure you can gather that in my most recent blogs…

Often times, I tend to be really open with how I feel. With this recent heartbreak, I’ve learned that I may need to keep that on the inside; handle it with God. God cares. No matter what it is, God wants to know. He cares. I knew that, but there was a song sung by a Gospel group that is family, the Collingsworth Family! They are AWESOME! Highly recommend having that experience. That came along right when I needed it. “Funny” how God works. :-)

Matt and I wanted to try to get pregnant when I graduated undergrad. We wanted to renew our vows. I wanted to be a young mom and have started to have my kids by 25…I’m 24 now, looks like that’s a no! God said NOPE!

Let me say this…

God took care of me.

Every. Step. of. the. Way.

Every valley.

Every hill.

Everything.

Anything.

Even when I wasn’t praying that much or when I wasn’t “right” with God. What does that even mean anyways? “Right” with God?

I was RIGHT with God when I got saved after His one and only Son, Jesus, died on the cross for me. Am I right? AMEN. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Thank God for God, right?!

One way I can honor Matt is by not settling for anything less than what I deserve in a relationship. I want to give someone everything. I need to start praying for my future person… I wonder who they are. What they’re going through. Like my best friend has, I need to create a list of qualities I want in a man. Well, number 1, I need a MAN. Not a boy, a MAN. Preferably with man hands, right? Riiiiight. LOL. All joking aside - here are a few qualities at this moment, off the top of my head, that I desire in a partner:

• God loving, God first

• understanding, forgiving

• compassionate

• can put me in my place and doesn’t let me walk all over them

• someone who takes care of themselves

• has good hygiene…

• wants to know ALL about me (good and bad, exes and all)

• someone, where with the relationship and their intentions, anxiety isn’t caused. And if it is, steps are taken to correct that

I desire to love someone again. But after this last relationship…, ya girl is gonna have some trust issues. Because, in my mind, even though I gave him every reason to leave, he still left.

Dude was colder to me. It hurts to hear him be friendly to other people. And not me. At the end of the day… he’s making a jerk out of himself. That’s okay, God HAS, IS, and WILL pick up dude’s slack. Right, ladies? Mmhmmm.

I made a lot of mistakes, but, at least I took accountability and was honest. I still feel abandoned. Given up on. I question the love that he said he had. And I’m sure he questions my love for him. I can hear it now, “How can she love me if she did that?” Sometimes people have baggage. Anxiety. And it takes over.

Until God sends that next right guy into my life, I don’t want the wrong one. Ha! I really don’t. I want to be okay on my own. God and Anna taking care of Anna.

In these past few weeks, God has become my best friend. And it has been THE. BEST. THING. IMAGINABLE.

I hope that it is never not that way. I hope I don’t “backslide” again or put other things or people as a higher priority than the Ultimate Priority. Am I right? It’s so easy to do though. It’s easy to “need” God when everything is going goodt, right? I’m so guilty of that. When that guy who broke my heart into pieces and I just wasn’t okay and it effected my physical body, God was there. Where was dude?

*****crickets*****

Dude was too busy hurting. That love that he had for me and that desire to marry me went away reallll fast, didn’t it? I don’t know. I don’t care what I did/it doesn’t matter what I did, it still ain’t okay with me. Mmhmmmmm.

Anyways… savage-ness over. LOL.

One of my favorite quotes, from The Hunger Games,… “Hope is the only thing greater/stronger than fear.” That quote, along with God obviously, got me through a really hard time of walking in faith. That quote is actually in my bio on my website!

Anyways.

Until that guy comes into my life and sweeps me off my feet, I want to better myself. Because who doesn’t want to be better? Who doesn’t want to be happy with just themselves and God and their friends and family? Who else doesn’t want to have other things than that “fulfill” them?

The reason put fulfill in quotation marks because no one can truly fulfill us but God. Don’t forget that. I sure have. And I’m sure you have too.

During these past few weeks, I’ve learned to look around and be thankful for the relationships I do have. Right? Sometimes we focus on the wrong things.

So what if we used to go to karaoke and now he goes like it’s no big deal? I’ll make other plans. I’ll sing to someone else. To God. You don’t deserve my time, heartbreak, song, or anything but my prayers, my dear. Because we all need it.

Yesterday, God made my heart let him go. Doesn’t mean I don’t still have my moments, though.

I’ll listen to the songs he used to sing until they don’t bother me anymore.

There will be a time where I don’t pay attention to when he comes and goes.

There will be a time where him not speaking to me doesn’t phase me.

There will be a time where him having nothing to do with me doesn’t get to me sometimes.

There WILL be a time where I don’t have anxiety around the situation.

Until then, I’ll be okay; God will carry me. My friends/family will carry me.

It truly is that dude’s loss. <3

Instead of expectations, have intentions.

XOXO - A