Heartbreak L’Hotel
Usually I am resilient and can bounce back pretty fast. But not this time.
Tonight as I gather around my animals after not seeing them since this morning, I start to go through the stuff I got to try to win him over.
The box where I was gonna put candy in, etc. Be cute. The tackle box to remind him I knew about that memory, all the dang sweet tea (gross)! The playing cards to represent something we could do together; man, I’d do anything for that. I already wrote in the Bible I got him, can’t return that. I might not return any of it. I may put it in storage in a box, ya know? Along with the ring he had picked out for me. What a gorgeous morganite.
The composition notebooks that I got to write in. All the reasons why he was more than enough because I made him feel like he wasn’t enough. If he only knew how amazing I thought he was. If I didn’t have that baggage. If I didn’t have those feelings. If I didn’t have that anxiety.
I am more than my mistakes.
I am worth that {another} chance.
I now understand what he meant by his nerves were getting to him. My stomach has not been acting right, but it’s getting better. I don’t have that feeling of immediate anymore.
I have faith in me.
I have faith in God.
He will carry me through. He will be true. He will never leave me nor forsake me. No matter what. But that’s God. That’s not somebody who has been hurt over and over and over and over, is it? Well, actually, yes, but God is perfect and Almighty, the most Loving. Humans are not. No human will ever love us as God and Jesus do. AMEN!
Most of the time, my heart can bounce back from a breakup. But not this one. This comes with extra anxiety on top of my usual. Ha. When I hear some of the songs that involved him, I sometimes get anxiety. Do you know how bad I hope we would show up at my doorstep in a few weeks, a month?
My heart was more vulnerable than I knew. For the first time in a while, I didn’t know what my heart truly felt.
And I pushed the most amazing man to out the door. But why?
Why?
Maybe my heart was testing him (my beloved nana’s theory).