In Cahoots

“The weather is supposed to get really bad, but I’m still down to go,” my cousin texted me.

Here in Tennessee, when it snows, it snows. Whether it was rainy or snowy that weekend, I don’t remember, but nevertheless, I drove two different weekends hell or high water to make that effort. And I wouldn’t take it back.

Give it your all, right?

At the time, I had a Toyota Rav4 named Remi; Remi was bright blue with a grey top - you could barely see me coming, right?

I packed my bag to go and see them. We had a plan. Me and my cousin would stay with them, we would hang out and have a night at their house, which was their idea, they said they didn’t want to go out. I packed my clothes for said plan.

I should’ve know it was not going to work out that way.

My cousin was the first person to ever meet them.

Over halfway there, I get a text from them, they were meeting their friend for a drink until we got there. Strange, I thought. Not really the behavior of someone who wants to stay in. I asked whether they had eaten dinner yet or not, because I figured you would wait on the people who drove 2.5 hours to see you, but that is asking too much. “I’m at Mexican right now,” they responded.

………okay.

Not including the “relationship” part, and I put quotes because of them, not me, they just didn’t treat me with common decency. There was no empathy or thoughtfulness; there was apathy and narcissism.

Or maybe their lens was foggy.

My cousin and I decided on a local chain restaurant for old time’s sake. I had on my three stripe classic Adidas sweatpants. Again, not dressed to impress. “Baby, do you want to go out?,” they asked me. I looked at my cousin with that deer in headlight look that I have. My cousin was down. I had barely eaten any food because I was so nervous to see them. They gave me butterflies, but not the good kind, and I didn’t know that yet. Back then, even if I knew they were bad butterflies, I would’ve embraced it because it was from them.

I was watching a show last night and this quote just popped up in my head that was said, “I wanted your love so badly that I accepted morsels.” I will leave that there. Again, not even human decency.

This is the night that they’re referring to when they said, “If I were you I would’ve never spoken to me again.”

But, I did. If you want to hear about how that turned out, let me refer you to “1704.”

There was a Target a few blocks down the road - a hop, skip, and a jump from us. I needed to change; I was not going to this bar where we went two weekends ago wearing Adidas sweatpants. First of all, no. Second of all, I would burn up.

This Target in particular had a good selection of clothing and jewelry. Eventually, I picked a clay colored v-neck short-sleeve shirt and I already had jeans that I packed. My toxic trait is it is still hanging in my closet. My shoes were fine. I bought a gold necklace with a red heart charm (which is also still in my closet). I was ready to go.

“I’ll meet you inside,” they said.

We got there a little early before them. I actually decided to have a drink that night - I had a Jack Daniels Downhome Punch. My cousin had a Michelob, I think.

I have a portrait of Lea on my left arm and it is hard to miss. I also have a big a** Jesus portrait on my right upper arm, amen. I am hard to miss.

We were standing near the pool tables that were near the back.

I looked around discreetly while also aiming my body towards the bar, my anxiety, a superpower, I know. I saw them. It was them and two friends and the two friends were dating. They get a drink in the long line of people and come over to the side while walking right past us. Me and my cousin look at each other wondering what to do. I decided to go over there. “You didn’t see me?,” I asked them. Halfway drunk already, they responded, “No, is this your friend?” “I said, this is Beth, my cousin.” Friend and cousin are two totally different words, babe.

We made our way to the bar to get another drink, a shot this time maybe. It was always a beer or a shot. Lemon, was it?

As we approached the line, they put their hands on my hips and told me that I could move up. They saw a friend and embraced them tightly and ecstatically more than they did me, hell they didn’t even recognize the woman they were supposed to be talking to.

We made our way to the other bar.

“Are you gay?,” one of the friends asked me when they saw my Apple brand pride watch band. I said, stupidly, being the baby gay I was, “Kinda, yes. I identify as bi; I’m actually here with them.” They acted like they didn’t know. They probably weren’t made aware because they just liked me so much that they were scared to share it. 😉

This is where we got split up somehow. I’m talking to my cousin, about having a panic attack, and they are gone. I was starting to see the disrespect at this point. I wanted their attention more than I cared about the disrespect, though.

We went outside so she could smoke and there they were. They ignored us, really. Although, we acted unbothered. I discussed with my cousin what I thought I probably should do which is get a hotel for the night and be done with them, get our stuff in the (later) morning.

I went to the bathroom and met two girls that I’m still friends with to this day, Makayla and Autumn. As girls do in the bathroom of a random bar they’ve only been to once, I spilled my guts. Talk about being in cahoots, right?

Makayla came up with a plan. We were to go out on the dance floor and make them jealous by dancing together. When we were about to go back out, Beth came in. She said, “I have some bad news, I’m pissed.” I said, “What do you mean?” She said, “I saw them in another girl’s lap.” Makayla about stormed out there. I said, “No! Wait!”

Before I continue, I want to give Makayla a shoutout. This woman, over the years of all of this bullsh*t, has told me how badly I deserve better and she has said it in a harsh way, a loving way, any kind of way. She has always let me know my worth. I love you, Makayla.

Before I could even think of how to proceed, Beth decided to go back out there.

I hid in the bathroom with Makayla.

Makayla made me go out and dance. She kept reminding me of how great I was and how amazing I was and that this whole thing was just so sh*tty and I deserved so much more.

At that point in my life, I was navigating very new territory pretty much in the dark with a tiny little flashlight. Where the f*ck were they?

Meanwhile, Beth went up to them. “Do you like her?,” Beth asked them. They said, “Who?” Beth said, “Anna.” They said, “Yes. I’m just scared.” Beth inquired about them sitting on another girl’s lap. They said, “This is a friend, she’s like my sister.” Beth told them to basically get off their a** and go find me.

If someone ever tells me again that they’re scared or need to “work on themselves,” they only have to tell me once. Don’t even get me started on that.

In the time that me and Makayla were dancing and Beth and Autumn joined us, they were gone. They LEFT. And didn’t tell the people they were supposed to be hanging with that came 2.5 hours in the treacherous weather and also the people that were supposed to stay at their house that night and it was now 2 a.m. with no stable plan of where to lay our head. But it’s fine. Wild.

The excuses I made for them were literally WILD.

Not accepting at least common human decency and respect was WILD.

Oh! I remember now. It was snowed.

At this point, I didn’t even know where I was going to sleep. It’s 2 a.m., I’m in an unfamiliar place and Beth soon left with her friend. I kept calling them, their friend answered. They were plastered.

This was only the start of alcohol being a third party in our “relationship.”

I drove to their house and just waited outside in the car. Our stuff was inside. I kept texting and calling, nothing. I found their friend on Facebook and messaged her. They said they wanted me to come get them. They sent me the address and I was on my way. Always the one to help, that’s me.

I get there and the friends were helping get the shoes on. They had that blank stare that I know so well. We get in the car and they fall asleep after texting someone a long paragraph. The seatbelt literally held them up.

We got to their house. I walked around and gently unbuckled their seatbelt because they were not waking up. Lethargic or nah?

We made it inside. I asked if they wanted me in there with them or if they wanted me in the living room. They said, “In here with me.”

As I’m laying beside them, I can see them swiping left or right on Facebook dating. I asked about it. They got defensive and then started crying claiming anxiety. They got up and went to the bathroom and swung the door shut.

If I was being shady and talking to other people, I wouldn’t do it in front of the other person I’m supposed to be talking to.

I laid down on the couch.

Finally I could breathe.

They came and told me to come lay down.

So I did.

They went to sleep, but I was up all night, staring at the ceiling and then at my phone, and then again. That one drink gave both cotton mouth and nausea off and on. I decided to go to the living room and sleep on the couch. I can still feel the wood board in the middle of that couch. I managed to get one hour of sleep and that was only because I was able to get away from them, I think, and have alone time. I was a nervous f*cking wreck, dude.

It’s crazy, even now, several years later, I am still learning that common human decency is bare minimum. I overly thank people for doing what they’re supposed to be doing, really. Thanking people for being understanding, patient.

It was hard to be those things when you don’t even know their favorite color. Or care to ask without prompting.

I decided I was done, that this was enough, that this had to be enough.

I snuck out quietly and texted them saying I was leaving and didn’t want to wake them.

About an hour later, they woke up and texted back. “I barely got to see you,” was written. In the gas station parking lot, I busted out into tears.

I’ll leave you with a thought:

Morsels……. or cheese on a charcuterie?

A