1704

1704.

“Am I going with you tonight or no?”

“If you want to.”

“Do you want me to?”

“Yeah, if you want to.”

Start the car. Vape in hand, blueberry Redbull in the other. Sip. Sets can in drink holder. Looks out window. Hits the nicotine vape. Fingers at the tips of my hair, twisting it.

“I can barely play with your hair anymore, it’s so short, it’s cute though,” they said a year prior.

Hand on my leg after a few minutes of me driving. My CNS slows a little when they put their hand on my leg. “This means they still want me,” I reassure myself, well, their hand reassures me.

We get out of the car and we walk into the building just like we always do at the always time everyday.

1800.

“Thank you for being here,” they always say to me.

They take notes on their phone while I take notes in my notebook. Every time they pull their phone out, I get nervous. Were they texting her? Who were they texting?

“Just so you know, I turn my phone over not because I have anything to hide or anything, I just prefer it that way, I’ve always done it that way,” they said. A nice gesture at first, I thought.

“Can we stop and get a vape?” But they couldn’t get dinner.

Couldn’t buy deodorant, basic needs. But guess what they could buy?

“I won’t live my life like this. Constantly on edge, constantly fighting. So you tell me if this trip is going to be like this. If so, I’m not going,” while they packed their bag to go on said trip.

I started bawling. Could barely get them to hug me, to console me.

I remember one of the Christmas gifts they gave me. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone had ever given me, a pill bottle with pills in it that had messages of things they loved about me in them that were handwritten.

These read:

“You’re going to be a great nurse.”

“I love getting tangled in your web like Spider-Man.”

There was one time where I shared my darkest secret with them. They consoled me, fully listened and finally paid attention to me. They wiped my tears, they saw me. This person was the person I fell for. Ironically, they were completely sober when I told them.

Another gift was a bracelet with my cat that passed away on it. When you looked into it, you could see him.

I saw their exe’s name on their phone and they didn’t notice I saw it. I was too scared to know, so I didn’t ask.

There were a lot of things I was scared to ask or scared to say because I knew they’d leave if I diverged away from “normal.”

In another town, I drove downtown with tears running down my face; it took them forever to notice. “Why are you crying?”

“I really don’t want to be late. I don’t want to miss the beginning,” they said hatefully, as if I could control the food being late.

“I won’t stay somewhere I’m miserable, I won’t,” they said moments before answering the phone like everything was fine.

“Why do you love me?” I said. “Because of the way you love me,” they said.

Green stomach contents came up as they vomited. I sat with them, I rubbed their back, held the hair out of their face, held their hand, got cold rags, held them during the shakes, the panic, the mood changes, the hatefulness. But the hatefulness never stopped.

“This lamp matches my house, I’m going to get it.” Does that sound like someone who is all in to you?

They dismissed more than they deposited about the love of their life. But, they told me they loved me, that they made a mistake, that I was who God had in front of them all along, they made all of these grand gestures, and my dreams were coming true, I was finally chosen (by THEM!), I didn’t know any better. When in the past, they only gave me morsels.

“They are still here, they’re staying, so that means we still have happily ever after,” I thought.

“Love conquers all,” I thought.

They’d comment on the color of my outfit choice but not on how pretty I looked. They complained how I did their Halloween makeup, but weeks before, I was “so amazing” for creating the costume.

“They’re still here, they’re staying,” I reassured myself.

They’d complain on how bad the house looked and how cluttered it was, but would only watch television when they were awake because “it wasn’t their mess.” “You do know that you moping over that spot will cause mildew, right?”

I locked myself in the bathroom later that night after they threatened to leave.

“If you really want to leave, I’m not going to try to stop you. I love you and want you here, I want us to work. I want you happy. If that’s not me, it’s not me,” I said. They said they wanted me. They sat next on the couch, looked at me for a while, watched the tears roll down as I stared at the tv, realized the scar they had stabbed. “I love you, Anna,” they said. Without them saying, I knew they realized what they did.

I was doing homework and they walk in and ask me to do something. I should’ve been glad they decided to get off the couch, I guess. “I was prepared to give you attention and all of these things you ask for and want, but then you went and did this and now I don’t even want to,” they said. This, mind you, was the same day I told them I might have something medical really wrong.

“I can’t even have dinner with you without you being like this, I can’t even have a good time anymore.”

They pull out two gifts they got me randomly. They said, “I saw those and thought of you instantly!” I thanked them and was so happy.

Two minutes later:

“I shouldn’t have even bought you anything. It always backfires on me. Nothing I do is good enough.”

“I won’t go to dinner with you if you’re gonna act like this, I’ll go to my mom’s.”

5 minutes later: “Can we go to Five Below? I want to look for stuff for the dogs.”

“I don’t even want to eat now because of how you act, we can’t even have a conversation.”

“I don’t think our personalities work, and I feel like you showed me a false version of yourself,” they said.

On several occasions, we got home. I would lay in the closet. I phone a friend. I can hear the tv on the other side of the wall where they sat.

I bought them everything I could. Toiletries, personal things, whatever they needed/wanted, and it wasn’t enough, I truly tried everything I could to make it work. I changed my life to be able to accommodate theirs the way it needed to be accommodated for.

I had to be put on extra anxiety medication to be able to be okay.

“I never dated you in the past because I didn’t want to,” they yelled at me.

“I need to figure who I am, Anna. I don’t know if we can work it out in the future, maybe we can. But right now I need to figure out who I am now,” they said.

I was replaced while they were trying to find themselves. Guess I should’ve paid attention to that text, huh?

I was stupid to think I was different. To think I could save them, that I’d be that one.

A while later, here I am, a survivor. I gradually gained weight. “Happy” weight, is it? My CNS finally settled down. I was in my house again, I made the rules again. Depression has been real. I’ve slept a lot. Apparently your body does that a lot after significant trauma. It has taken me awhile to feel okay enough to share some of this. As time goes on, I will share more.

I am okay, I am good, actually. I am thankful to FINALLY be out of that. I am thankful for the lessons and will forever be working through this trauma and will forever be unlearning.

Hopefully me sharing my story will help someone else not feel so alone. You are worth it.

Thank you for reading. ♥️