It’s Okay to Miss Them

Here we are. Another blog about a long lost lover. They feel so close, but are so far. This city reminds me of their city. A city I can’t wait to get back to.

I almost checked on them tonight through a friend, just to see how they’re doing. It makes me feel better when I know they are good.

I almost sent them a message last night. I think if you text them, even if they’re blocked, they’ll get it.

I remember the last time I went through this, few years ago, the love for them would always come “back.” Although it never left. It’s like no matter what they did, it didn’t matter. Love conquered all. But it’s kinda hard when the person doesn’t love you back in the way you hoped they would one day.

This type of thinking can make you wonder if you’re supposed to miss them. Or if they’re supposed to come back.

I remember snippets of when I met them. Not realizing what was going on. Not knowing I was looking into the eyes of someone I would love so deeply one day. I wish I could tell them how much I love them, but they never hear me.

I can hear their laugh. Their crinkle in their face when they smile or laugh. All of those laughs we shared. When you told me your face was going to hurt from laughing so much. Because of me. I don’t understand why you couldn’t fall in love with me. Why it didn’t seem to be enough for you. Maybe it was because I did truly love you. And that’s what you’re scared of.

You sure as hell didn’t act scared to loose me. You let me walk away all those times. I miss getting texts from you. I want to talk to you so bad. I wanted to comfort me last night. I just wanted you. No matter what it looked like. I wanted to tell you I loved you and that I miss you. You truly are the cure and the pain as that song says, “Love Me Like You Do” from Fifty Shades of Grey.

This week, I am in another state all alone it feels like honoring my Matthew. Things like these, I’m realizing, make the memory of me and Matt get smaller and smaller, the more we focus on him being a cop. He wasn’t just a cop. He was Matt. He was my first love. I thought about us living in Nashville earlier today and how we were so happy. He fit in my life just like my silver bedazzled boots, he just fit. But he wasn’t meant to stay.

As I was riding in an Uber alone with no weapon, traveling through the tunnel coming from D.C., I thought that maybe that’s why I have such a hard time letting you go. Because you are the closest thing to that I’ve had after Matt. And I wouldn’t change a thing. Other than having to loose you. I remember crying at the THOUGHT of loosing you. Ha. I’ve had to loose you several times. I was treated like pond scum. I want to believe you had the right intentions towards the end and that you see what you did previously. I want to hang on to that good I know is in you, the core of who you are. But why didn’t I get all of that during our saga? I got it towards the end but not all of it. Maybe it wasn’t the right timing. I just wish the “I love you” in my heart would go away.

I will always love you.

And would like to hope you’ll always love me too. I know you do. Because I just know.

I am sad writing this. I do wish things were different.
Anna