Diamond

A blue crystal. A blue rock. To match those blue eyes that will never look at me the same way I looked at them.

Sometimes I get angry. And I just want to scream at them. “Why?!” “Why would you do this to me?” Why do I have to suffer with these scars when I all I had were good intentions? Why does my healthy relationship now and the person who finally chose me have to suffer from your negligence? Because they sure don’t deserve that. You deserve not to be blissful. Why do I have to almost constantly have to revert my brain back to reality and not all these anxious webs? Because you were selfish. And were afraid to let the best thing go.

Magnets, but the connection not strong enough. My heart strings intertwined with my feelings for them. I can almost laugh it off now, how many times they’ve hurt me and I’ve been right there back over and over. Their fangs sunk deep into the depths of my heart and soul. And now I have to deal with not only the wound but the scar tissue from the repetive hurts that I allowed.

I kissed them anyway. I loved them anyway. And they couldn’t even love me halfway.

A life with me wasn’t good enough. Not even good enough to try or to give a shot to.

They held such a weight in m my heart, my life, my mind, my soul. And I was only a second option.

A life lesson, for sure. Something to get over, definitely. Something that will stay with me forever, absolutely. I remember writing the blog, “Someone to Write About,” back in February, the month where it all began. All hopeful, I was. The exciting start of a beginning, a new realm of my life. I was excited to figure out more of who I was and whom I loved. My heart and soul were quickly changed by this person. And as Taylor Swift says, “A new notch in your belt is all I’ll ever be, and now I see.”

It didn’t matter what I said, what I did. Or if I got down on one knee one day. Or gave them this ring. Or if I even told them about this ring. The answer was always no. And I’m fine with that now. I’m glad about it now! Those rose colored glasses finally came off and the switch was finally flipped.

One of the worst things about it all was that I allowed abuse in yet another relationship after I told myself I wouldn’t ever do that again. Because I loved them, I did whatever I could and put up with whatever I had to get them to finally love me back. But they never were meant to love me back. I struggled to let them go for several reasons. But once I finally did, I was free. And now I have to work on being free of the chains they have reinforced on my heart to be able to let this new person in. I might as well trust because I’m already invested enough to get hurt. I need to get my heart right. This anxiety under control. I’ve got something in front of me that I do not want to run from. That is huge.

The ring will be locked away somewhere, never to be seen by this person, by my chapter two. This ring will never find their finger, as our hearts will never find each other. The magnets of our hearts connected, but they never really fit. And that’s not my fault. Or theirs. But what was their fault was the sh*t they drug me through.

When they say your second love tears you apart, they mean it. I will not apologize for loving them because I was meant to. I will be rewarded for my faithfulness, my patience, my love, my forgiveness. I have reaped what I have previously sewn. And it sucked. Take it from me: just do what’s right and what is good. Don’t play with people’s hearts. That is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned: to not play with someone’s heart. This person also taught me patience. For some reason, I tolerated all that bullsh*t. Because I loved them.

I am so thankful that I have came out of this. That I have finally been able to let go of what is hurting my heart so much (we’ve all seen that Facebook post).

Now I have to work on those triggers that I’ll forever have. And I have to work at not allowing said triggers to toxin my new and beautiful relationship now. Will be hard, but like anything, but with work, a diamond, under pressure, will be beautiful and worth while. We have to try our hardest, be accountable, and do our part. Make it worth while.

Don’t settle for a sapphire that doesn’t truly love you when you want a diamond that loves you despite it all.

A