Same Girl, Different Mirror

As most of you know, I am an aspiring author. Here is a look into what my first book will look like:

One girl. Two different periods of life. Hair a little different. One with healthy-ier, longer auburn-ish (she wished) hair and the other with straight-ish across bangs with blonder ends that needed more help. Same sapphire blue eyes that already seen so much pain. Same girl. Different mirrors. Different years. Both days would change her life forever. Her name is Anna, and I am her. 

One girl, standing seventeen, more innocent than the twenty-three-year-old woman in the other mirror. It was March 14th, 2014, a Friday to be exact, just like I am and always have been. I brushed my day-old hair out, brushed it to the side to put my big ole pearl earrings that I get from Claire’s in, put my school uniform on, my windbreaker, my Saddle Oxfords with my half calf socks on, grabbed my Fossil bag and watch, and was ready to walk out the door. I grabbed my dance bag, my keys, told my momma I loved her, grabbed my backpack, breakfast, made sure I had my phone and got in my car and went to school. I packed my new Nike purple pullover with yellow accents; it showed my figure just fine.

The same old classes, a classic black and white I didn’t realize then. I should’ve been worrying about other things, not about why all those people had left me, or putting any realization on the fact that I had to walk the hallways with my two old best friends, well three, that weren’t my best friend anymore. Or not to mention, my ex, and his best friend that was in love with me for years, but then when I finally fell for him, he didn’t want me. I guess we can get to that later. So yes, I’ve hurt people. But I’ve been hurt double fold. And I feel things deeper than most. Typical empath. 

During break, I would distract myself with the art studio to make me forget about the fact that I didn’t have any friends at school. All of my friends were spread out, the only friend groups I had dissipated after a while. Maybe that’s where some of my trust issues come from. I would distract myself with success and motivation and drive in the art studio. I even spent some lunches in there. Every lunch period I would worry if my friends would sit by me. And at the end of the day, it would’ve been their loss if they didn’t. 

Wow, I’m realizing how sad I sound. And how anxious. 

After school, I went straight to dance, put on those tights and leotard, and forgot about the world mostly. Art has always been my escape whether it’s music, dance, studio art, and even writing now. Hence, how this book is happening, how you’re reading these words on paper. 

Silly ole Lexi during Peter Pan rehearsal. We made the best dang pirates there were. We posed in our costumes after a fitting, I still remember the picture. “Come see us at Peter Pan.” Like everyone else cared and paid attention to our world. After rehearsal, Tata, Lexi’s uber fabulous grandmother, Lexi, and I decided to go out on the town, of Jackson, TN. And what I really mean is, Vann Drive. 

As I was sitting in the left back seat of Tata’s car and Lexi on the right, something told me to go to Cracker Barrel. So, we did. After Lexi fought it. But Tata agreed with me. We walked in, were sat in the third dining room, I looked over, and “there he was,” God said as my future with this Cracker Barrel server flashed in front of me. In my head, I said, “Nah.” I was very much so over love and relationships. I handled relationships mostly healthy back then. Things change when you become damaged. 

He was our server. His rectangular framed glasses hid his perfectly hazel eyes. His burgundy trainer apron read “Matthew,” short for Matt. Matthew Gatti. Actually known as the love of my life. 

At early in the morning a.m., on Monday, May 6th, 2019, I woke up to see my Matthew getting ready for work. He gave me a kiss and a hug goodbye, and I went back to sleep. I woke up to a text on my phone from my “office manager” that really pissed me off. I sent screenshots to Matt and he called me to check on me, to make sure everything was okay. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too. Little did I know it would be the last time I would hear his voice.

The night before we had a fight. Like we did a lot. And I told him that I didn’t want my kids to have a father like him or a mother like me. Stupid girl. If I could go back and tell myself do not utter those words, I would. Little did I know, the father of my children would not be Matthew Gatti. 

Same girl, different mirror. After the brushing of teeth, the putting on of deodorant, the putting on of the bra, the same old type of bra, a Victoria’s Secret 38C demi. It was time for the Anna outfit. A black tank top, check. Jean leggings, check. Rose gold gladiator sandals, check. Red quarter sleeve shirt with silver stripes, check. Perfect enough to not be too hot, but good enough to cover the tattoos at work. Two birds with one stone, yes?

I picked out my earrings and I put my more so damaged hairfrom all the changing of my hair in attempt to make myself feel better in a high bun, brushed my bangs out, sprayed them, put my Kendra Scott rose gold mother of pearl earrings on I wore when we got back together after an almost divorce (story for another time). I didn’t wear my Fossil watches anymore because we now had Apple watches, but this day, I didn’t wear mine. And thank God I didn’t. 

Little did I know it was the beginning of the end, that day. The day was like someone with bipolar disorder: up and down, up and down. And then rock bottom. 

I knew after two days that I loved Matt. I was only seventeen and was so wise. I didn’t know what I know now. My heart was pure, my mind was sound. There wasn’t much screaming noise, only fight, for him. There was hope and untested faith, there was deep and true love. The kind that hurt, that’s when you know it’s real. 

I’ve always had my faith in God. And nothing could change that. 

There were warning signs, I just didn’t know then. I knew, but I didn’t know then. There was fear in my heart, fear in my mind. But I didn’t realize then. 

Same girl, different mirrors, same heart, same, but improved faith, tested faith, and fixing to be even more tested, faith. 

March 14, she met her husband. May 6, she lost her husband to death. Everyday, she still has her faith in God. Everyday, He holds her in His hand, the palm. 

Those sapphire eyes saw one of the purest loves she would know and also saw the most pain she would ever see. Those sapphire eyes are a force to be reconned with. 

Thank you for reading, lovelies! I hope you’re as excited for my first book as I am! Coming soon.

Anna