Loneliness in the Field

Let’s talk about the L word, shall we? Loneliness. Sure, we all get lonely and it’s something that we all will experience (more than likely). But - I’ve been dealing with a type of lonely that, for me, is almost impossible to describe. It’s almost like an emptiness. The first step to fixing an issue is this: admittance. I admit I have a people problem. Now, before we continue, this is not a “woe is me” blog nor is it a pity party. I am okay. Just not in the best place right now and that’s okay. I am very blessed and fortunate. But I’m also angry at God; I’ll get to that in a minute.

There’s different types of lonely. There’s feeling lonely in a room full of people; I’m sure we’ve all heard that one. There’s lonely when you don’t have a boyfriend. There’s lonely when all your friends have plans. There’s feeling alone. There’s the feeling when you want people to reach out, but you “have” to.

Here is an ugly truth: people are selfish. Truth is, nobody remembered this Christmas that I lost my husband almost two years ago; that this is my second Christmas without him. Now, let’s be honest, the holidays aren’t fun anyways for most people, myself and my family included. There is a literal thing called the “holiday blues.” What I’m feeling transcends that.

I used to have a best friend. I pushed her away. I built up walls, but tried to stay in touch with her life through that wall. Crazy, right? I wonder if she’s reading this. If she is, she’s fixing to get a letter in the mail (once I find a stamp). I wrote to her to that I have been dealing with some demons and some inner stuff. I am angry. I am a Christian, and I have faith, but I’m mad at God. This is going to seem like a total stalker moment, but it really wasn’t. Bare with me! Last night, mom and I went by one of their rental properties. Matt and I used to live in the upstairs part; mom and I were at the downstairs part. This is the home that Matt and I lived in when he died. This is the last place I saw him alive. I also grew up in this house. Lots of memories. I was taking V out to pee pee poop poop in the FREEZING cold weather when I noticed that their bedroom window; I could see inside (which is their fault, close your blinds). I saw that they had decorated differently, and rightfully so. But here comes the anger. Here comes the venom. Here comes the hurt. The sorrow. The sadness. WHY? Why couldn’t me and Matt have had that longer? Why couldn’t have I spent my forever with him? We had futures. He had the best career. He had drive. Motivation. Talent. He was a good person. He had his demons, but we all do. And he was working through those. I mean, what was the benefit of walking in faith when he was just gonna die? I mean, why would I wanna do what God wants when it didn’t pay off anyway? WHY ME? THANK GOD it wasn’t someone else. But why did it have to be Anna that day? Why couldn’t Matt have died at 80 or so like it was “supposed” to be? Why do I have to be lonely and face all these questions? Why do I not get that white picket fence?! Why do I get to miss Matthew Gatti for the rest of my life? Why do I have go to sleep as the only human and wake up as the only human? Why isn’t there pitter patter (other than the animals) around the house? WHY? There are a lot of things to be thankful for. But there was a lot taken away as well. My life with Matt was ripped away. It was stolen. And it hurts. It is, very much so, an open wound. And my friends couldn’t even send a message asking how I was this holiday season? Mmmm.

I’ve been in a miserable state lately. I still am in that state. Ya know, you would think I would’ve developed this loneliness while I had COVID by myself, right? No. Not Anna! It’s probably the repercussions of the people who didn’t check on me who I thought would or whom I wanted to; I felt those quote on quote rejections a few days later. Disclaimer: I know that some people don’t think about checking on people, etc etc, but it still would’ve been nice.

I am an extrovert, which sucks. Introverts say that it’s not always easy being an introvert. But man, I wish I didn’t rely on people so much. And it’s not even that I am wanting a man or that I’m lonely in that way, it’s a friendship way, really. I mean, a man would be nice. I’ve also never been the girl that guys are lined up to court; I’ve never understand that either. I mean…I’m not the best thing since sliced bread, but I am a good catch. A solid catfish (those are A+ here in the South). Anyways-it’s not that I don’t enjoy my own company. Because I do. But I want my phone to “blow up” and I want people to want me. I never seem to be anyone’s favorite.

A common theme in my life: loss.

As a child, I experienced a lot of death. As a young adult and teenager, I’ve suffered a lot of traumas that have shaped who I am. And I am grateful for the tribulations. And I know that this stage shall too pass. But…I am allowed to b*tch and complain if I want to.

It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to.

See what I did there? Hehe!

If I didn’t have my animals, I feel it would be a whole lot worse. I’ve encountered a lot of hard sh*t and I really don’t give myself time (to heal) or credit for that. I don’t give those things enough importance so I don’t give them enough importance or time. I’ve lost a lot of people lately. Recent breakup, who was also a good friend, three of my best friends. One of which told me that talking to me made her feel bad. Wow. Okay. Then don’t talk to me. Not sure what to tell you. I’ve lost a lot over this year alone. Three boyfriends. 2 friends out of those boyfriends, the third is an idiot. Lost a friend of 4 years; she snapped her fingers and was done with me. Wow. Okay. And y’all wonder why I have trust issues?!

I saw one of my dear friends this evening. She asked me how I was and I told her I was good, but was struggling with loneliness. You know what she told me? She said, “he would want you to live.” Wow. It’s even making me emotional now. I needed to hear that.

Let’s talk about phone anxiety.

Sometimes, shutting my phone off will make me forget for a little while that no one is blowing my phone up. Sometimes, leaving my phone somewhere and not checking it makes me forget about that anxiety for a little bit. This is very dramatic and is exaggerated, but those who understand will understand. Ya know, I miss flip phones. Because there isn’t that much access with them, ya know? I would totally get that new Razr because nostalgia! But it’s like $1000…and it looks like it’ll break easy. Like, I need the buttons, Motorola. Maybe my mom has my old phones that I can play with. That’ll do me some good. The Apple Watch gives me anxiety too. To turn the message notifications off or to not turn the notifications off? Does anyone else have these questions? Or is just me? I mean, we all knew that I’m crazy. But. I’m sure someone feels this way. Amirite? Maybe I should just learn how to change myself into an introvert. That would make things a lot easier. Because, then, when I don’t have plans on a weekend, I won’t care.

Wow… I really seem like I’m having a pity party. And I’m sorry. But writing is an excellent outlet for me and I’m sorry, but you clicked on my blog. And you’ve also read it this far. Congrats! LOL. Or shall I say thank you?

Who’s ready to get to know Annie (girl based on me in my books)?

xoxo - a