The Anxious Girl Gang Profile

A HUGE THANK YOU to my girl Shelby for creating this group, The Anxious Girl Gang, and also featuring me in it! Such an honor and privilege. My dream is to share my story, be open, and maybe show someone else that they’re not that piece of sh*t society makes them think they are. We’ve all been there. Some of us, multiple times. I plan on writing about my ups and my downs and how God has been there and showed out/turned things for my good. Hey, that’s a verse; look it up. Thanks for being here! Mwah! xoxo

Another word about the group - please join! Don’t debate it; just join. What a wonderful group of ladies! Like I say below, I am everyone’s friend. And I mean that! I AM HERE FOR YOU! Just reach out to me. They aren’t going to know you’re struggling unless you tell them. Mental health is not a game. You are not alone. And they do care. As a lot of Facebook memes say, and they’re truth, anxiety is a LIAR.

Join us! On the website or on Facebook; you won’t regret it! Mwah!

https://theanxiousgirlgang.com/2020/12/12/anxious-girl-profiles-anna-lax-gatti/

Anxious Girl Profiles: Anna Lax Gatti

“Wow. That is all I have to say after reading Anna’s words that she wrote for this blog. I have known Anna (well known of Anna) for awhile. We attended the same school for quite awhile. It wasn’t until recently that I really got to know Anna. The Anxious Girl Gang and our struggles with mental health kinda brought us together.

I had somewhat known about Anna’s story and what she has gone through but I have never heard it from her own words. Her strength, her faith in the Lord, it is all so inspiring. I am truly blown away by everything she wrote and how open she has been through it all. Anna is one of kind. She stands strong in whatever life throws her way. I cannot say enough about how amazed I am by her. But, don’t just take my word for it. Read her words below.

If you only ever read one of our blog post – please read this one. I promise you – it will be worth it.”

-Shelby Spurgeon

Anna’s Story

Hi! My name is Anna Lax Gatti, formerly known as Anna Caroline Lax. I got married. I am 24 years old.

I became a widow at 23 years old; I am a 23 year old widow. I’m that girl. Well, that woman. Yes? 

For those of you who care, I am a blonde with blue eyes. I am 5’6”. My favorite color is blue. I have PCOS. I have GERD; was diagnosed when I was 4. I have tattoos and piercings; I aspire to be a tattoo artist in the future. I am a dancer and a dance teacher. I have a passion for teaching. I am a Christian and have had an interesting time in my faith journey so far (read all about it in my future books!). With that being said, I aspire to be an author. I am currently working on my life’s dream: a book series that contains a coming of age story of a character named Annie, a girl and now woman based on myself. I have a blog of my own: aclg13.com: check it out if you are ever so inclined. I trust easily, but not that easily. I crave companionship, but have slight commitment issues. 

I tend to lean towards being open and honest; I yearn to be an open book. I’m not really scared to discuss anything personal. My door is always open. I am always open to new friends. I’d love to be your friend! I am a friend to all. 

I am more than my trauma and my past. And I’m more than a widow.

May 6th, 2019 changed my life forever; we will get into that later down the road. I have written about that day on my blog that I mentioned above.

So, what we’re actually here for, right? I started having anxiety, well…I’ve basically had it my whole life. Without it, I fear I wouldn’t be Anna. I would definitely be more fun, less worried, less controlling, less planning. But, hey, I wouldn’t be me. One of my old friends, who actually is a widow too, ironically, told me one time that I was unpredictable. She didn’t know what to expect from me. I take that as a complement. Please remember this: the ying yang symbol. In chemistry, (which I did not do well in in high school, but busted my a** in college and got B in!) there is positive and negative, right? And another word that starts with an e? Electron? *insert anxious emoji, amirite?* Anyways, without one, you can’t have the other, right? Correct. That’s why I love the ying yang symbol so much; it is a reminder of that. As are the Lokai bracelets, right? The highest and the lowest points of the earth. And then there’s the God is Greater Than the Ups and Downs symbol, which I have tattooed on me and love very much, that we should keep dear and close.

I don’t know that we ever truly define what we are. I mean, isn’t the definition of define concrete? Definite? Or maybe I just haven’t figured that out yet. I am a very black and white type person unfortunately. My mind tends to go to one extreme or the other (unfortunately). I don’t know exactly who Anna is, but I’m learning. Life is sometimes about learning. I mean…like Hub City Nutrition says on the inside of their shop: Life is hard, but the climb is nice. Amen! 

My life isn’t pretty. And hasn’t been pretty. There is ugly, down right ugly. I’ve done some terrible things. I’ve done things that I NEVER would’ve seen myself doing. Ugly things. Things that I judged people for before I did them. Before I had compassion for them, grace. 

I’ve been through a lot of friends. In my future novels, Annie has a best friend named Morgan. Morgan was her everything, her best friend. And Annie didn’t take that word lightly after Morgan. That love and adoration never left Annie. And Annie has to live with what she did to lose Morgan, forever. Tragic. But it happens, right? Unfortunately, people come and go. But the real are to stay. I’ve had a lot of people leave. I would say that it gets easier every time, but it doesn’t. I have asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why does everyone leave me?” I have several hypocrisies in my mind and one of them is this: I attach easy, but don’t trust all the way easy. How? Scars? Trauma? As I said earlier: I trust easily, but not that easily. I crave companionship, but have slight commitment issues. Let’s talk about that. Also – that friend that I was referring to, Morgan, I still love her the same. That is beautiful and sad at the same time. And that happened 9 years ago. 

Last year, my life changed forever. My plans of growing old with Matt were cut short. My plans for making babies with Matt were cut short. Matt’s life, to us, but not necessarily to God, was cut short.

I was robbed of the white picket fence dream that I had/have. Maybe my dream is different now. Or doesn’t contain all of the same things. I still have the dream of writing my books. I question whether or not I want to be a mother. Whether or not there is going to be another man for me. Because the harsh reality is this: God doesn’t want me married right now. He doesn’t want me to be a mother right now. Ever? I don’t know. I mean…I question “Why” to God, but at the real end of the day, we can’t really question Him because He is the Almighty.

Oh, and, since I am not meant to be a mother right now, I will happily be a fur mum! I have a corgi named Violet Belle and two male felines named Mardi Gras and Small Cat; I am highly considering getting a German Shepherd. Violet has helped me tremendously with my anxiety. Consider it if you don’t have a pet!

Up until a few months ago, I had only been angry at God once. And it went away. Recently, it came back and it came to stay. It’s ugly. I’ve become almost a miserable person. I am struggling with what I think are symptoms of depression; I’ve been secluding myself. Because, I mean, who really cares? Please don’t take this as a pity party, guys. This is just the real and raw. And if you’re not here for it, I’m sorry. But I’m here to share me, not sugar coat me. This is Anna. My good friend Josh pointed out that I don’t like to be alone and that I needed to like to be alone. Amen! I am learning. I am a lot better than I used to be. He also pointed out that I like attention. And yes, I do struggle with attention. We all have our struggles. And we all have our demons. Yes?

Along with anxiety, I also STRUGGLE with OCD. For those of you who do not know what OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is, let me tell you about my experiences. From what I understand, there are four focuses of OCD; I’m not sure what all those are. But, I struggle with the religion one, cleanliness, intrusive thoughts. For example, a few years ago, I was scared that I was gonna get sick. So that intrusive thought caused me to wash my hands more and more and more (compulsion). But, no matter how many times you wash your hands, it still didn’t feel better. OCD is like a bully; you have to talk it down. The more you feed it, the bigger it becomes. The less you feed it, the more it is defeated/goes down. I have flare ups; that’s how I can tell that I’m having more anxiety. I used to take an anti anxiety med for about two years and I weaned myself off of it because I didn’t want to be on it anymore. I had withdrawal symptoms. Ever since I took that medicine, I’ve noticed I can’t “feel” my anxiety as much. Which is good and sucks all in the same sentence. OCD can be emotionally crippling. It causes you not to trust yourself. To check yourself. Over. And over. And over. And it still doesn’t feel better. “Are you sure?” crosses your mind a lot. But, the more you do, the more you will overcome it. Ignore it – just like a bully! I am more than my ridiculous and untrue OCD thoughts. Not today, Satan!

Anna is strong. Anna is tough. Anna is special. Anna is unique, one of a kind, an artist. Anna is independent (for the most part, maybe). Anna is a child of God; Anna is a woman of faith. Anna is real and raw. Anna is a fighter. Anna is resilient. Anna has faith. Anna has hope. Anna has trauma. Anna has been through a lot. Anna has had her crown knocked down.

But she stood up taller. I am proud of Anna.

I am growing into a woman that I am proud of, that I love, that I LIKE, that I respect. Me. In my photo, you’ll see a ring. That ring is one of my prized possessions. It contains my birthstones and a bunch of diamonds in a 14K white gold frame; it was designed by one of my all time favorite designers, Neil Lane. This ring represents me. And my commitment to me. This ring is fit for a queen. I am a queen. God’s princess. 

Back to losing my husband, losing Matt. Being his widow is one of the loneliest things I’ve ever experienced. Yes, he had friends. Yes, he had family. But he only has one widow. So to me, no one really gets it. Except for other widows. And even then, our stories are so different that we still kinda feel alone. Maybe I’m alone in this. I don’t know. Or maybe another widow will find comfort in what I said. I’m here for you, boo. I love you. I love the ugly. I am here. So is God. He loves it all too. 

God took care of me when I lost Matt, just like He always has and will. He held me in the palm of His hand and will never let go. He prepared me. He led the way. He stepped for me. Even when I didn’t talk to Him. When I didn’t pray. When I didn’t go to church. Church doesn’t make you a Christian by the way; your decision to believe in Jesus and have Him in your heart does. Yes? My favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11 and don’t quote me on the exact wording: “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for a hope and a future.” I know the KJV and the other versions vary, BUT… I personally am not a KJV advocate persay. I think whatever version works for you, go for it. Isn’t that what life is about? What works for self? Same goes with your relationship with God. I am very (VERY!) passionate about relationship versus religion; I hate that word! I went to USJ; we were founded on Christian principles, but we didn’t have chapel or Bible class. We had the choice outside of school; that’s how I was raised and I like it that way. That is my personal choice. When I went to Union for my first year of college, man, what a culture shock! I was like, “We HAVE to go to chapel?” “We HAVE to take Bible classes to graduate?” I felt like it should be a choice. I transferred to UTM and now have an art degree and a forever family! I LOVE UTM! Forever a Skyhawk! 

A lot of people know me for my faith. And don’t let my Facebook fool you (a lot of that sharing posts is because of OCD #1 and also if it’ll reach/help someone- get to that in a minute), my relationship with God is not as strong as it needs to be right now. I will ALWAYS have that foundation of God, and will ALWAYS have a strong faith, but I am angry with Him. I am upset with Him. I don’t pray like I should or hardly ever to be honest. I don’t go to church. I don’t read a devotional. But I’m still a Christian/follower of God/child of God. I don’t understand why all this had to happen to me, why I’ve been through so much. But at the same time, I’m glad it was me and not someone else. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Why can’t I have the white picket fence with the man of my dreams and little pitter patter running around our house? I can have the white picket fence in MY house that I own by MYSELF. The fence is ordered. I used to post the daily Bible verse everyday. Why? To try to help others and maybe reach somebody. Why was I put through all this? Simply to be an inspiration to someone else? Or reach someone/spread the Gospel because of my faith? Because I didn’t completely lose my sh*t because I had God holding me? I heard a sermon about bad things happening to good people. Why? Or why would a baby be born with a “defect?” Right? What did that baby ever do to deserve that? Sometimes God uses us to tell a story. For someone else. I mean, man, God, could You have made it a litttttle easier though? LOL. Or is it to strengthen my faith? Bring me closer to Him? Because in reality, in no matter what walk of life or situation: the closer we are to God, the better we are in all ways. Yes? Amen! Maybe I just need to “suck it up” and get with the program. I mean, do I have a choice, #1, and also – maybe my original dream is not what’s meant for me, obviously. Or at least not yet. And that’s okay. Life is happening no matter if I lost Matt or not; I’m still here. What does that mean? Ya know, we forget to live each day like it’s our last or plan like we have “forever.” I hate that term, really. But – like my dear friend Chris said, “You spent Matt’s forever with him. You may not have spent yours with him, but he spent his with you.” Isn’t that special? Yes! So much. I miss Matt. Terribly. But, my mind blocks it out. Big time. I remember talking to my previous therapist and telling her that I was scared that my mind is just gonna let it all out one day. And she assured me that my brain wouldn’t do that to me. And it hasn’t. Amen, God! THANK YOU! It has never been more than I can handle. I also believe that too – God will never give you more than you can handle.

I think I’ve proven that I don’t need anyone (other than my mom, dad, nana, Uncle Tom, Papa Jerry, other family, my fur babies, therapy LOL, friends that actually stick by me and are like family, and most importantly, God). After last year, pretty sure I am capable of taking care of myself. I mean…I went from married to widowed in a matter of seconds. My life turned upside down in a matter of moments. And grief lives on. FOREVER. It is one of the weirdest things in life.

Like I said before, I am your friend. And am always open to new people in my life. Reach out. If not to me, to someone. Thank you for reading and getting to know me a little better. I hope you got something out of it. Again, thank you for reading! 

PS – check out my personal website and blog: www.aclg13.com

Oh! You’re here! :)

XOXO

Anna

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