Anger/Reputation
Ever since I lost Matt, I haven’t really been angry. But I am now.
I’ve myself why and why me, but that’s really it.
It is what it is. There is no changing it. Why miss him? If nothing helps.
Nothing can help it.
Matt is in heaven rejoicing for Jesus, jumping for joy. Why on earth would I wish him back? So we can have the kids we didn’t have? Have a longer marriage that we were robbed of? Have that vow renewal?
Selfishly, well yeah, I’d wish him back. I’d ask for him back. But that’s not possible. The love I have for him will never go away. And I will always and forever cherish that. I will always cherish what we have. But our chapter has ended here on earth. He is no longer suffering. He no longer is battling his inner demons as we all have. But I am. I am still here. I am still battling my inner demons. Things that make my mind go “bump in the night.” Like what I did there?
I’ve said this time and time again:
No one really understands what it’s like to loose Matt Gatti as a spouse. Yes, I have other widows to talk to. And that’s great. And they understand. But being the only spouse can be so lonely.
But what about his friends? Who said they’d be here or acted like they’d be here? They ain’t here. They gone.
Let me say it for the people in the back:
JUST BECAUSE I HAVE LOVED AGAIN DOES NOT MEAN I AM NOT MATT’s SPOUSE/WIDOW/WIFE.
JUST BECAUSE I HAVE LOVED AGAIN DOES NOT MEAN I DON’T MISS HIM.
JUST BECAUSE I HAVE LOVED AGAIN DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE “MOVED ON.”
”Oh, well, she’s moved on. She has another man.” Hmmmm. I hate that term: move on. How does one MOVE ON from that? I will never move on from Matt. You don’t just move on from grief. You deal with it.
Anger. What a strong but weak five letter word. That can control us at the drop of a hat.
There’s a lot I’m angry at.
Let’s talk about a mistake made three years ago. Something that helped put a certain label on me. My mistake was out in the open and it wasn’t my choice for that to be out and open. Now, me writing about my life, that’s my choice.
I’m sure there are people who still think of me that way. And that’s fine. They are truly missing out. Ya know, they better be glad that their dirty laundry isn’t aired out for everyone to see. Because I bet it’s ugly. But, hey, it is what it is.
I’ve made mistakes. Obviously.
I’ve named this blog “Anger/Reputation” because I’m rambling on about two separate blogs I wanted to do. But here ya go. Hope ya enjoyed.
until next time my friendz - A