Anxiety

Anxiety’s a b*tch, isn’t it? You know the things that would and do help, but you just don’t do them. Like pray. That’s like the last thing I think of sometimes. I need to get better at that. Also journaling. I used to be better about sitting down and praying in my journal-I write to God. That helps me stay focused. And kinda escape in a way. It is nice. But sitting still is not what you necessarily want to do in an anxious state.

Anxiety is different for everyone. And it can have different forms and/or faces.

For someone who doesn’t have anxiety, it can be hard to understand.

Let’s define anxiety via my dear friend Google:

“Anxiety is a normal and often healthy emotion. However, when a person regularly feels disproportionate levels of anxiety, it might become a medical disorder. Anxiety disorders form a category of mental health diagnoses that lead to excessive nervousness, fear, apprehension, and worry.”

I remember when I was diagnosed with anxiety (generalized anxiety disorder with some depression to be exact). I knew something wasn’t right. But it really took my friend and boyfriend at the time to be like… “look…you just snapped at me for no reason…” It wasn’t okay. It’s never okay. I lost that boyfriend because of my mental health. I’ve lost another guy due to my actions because of my mental health.

Mental health is not an excuse or a crutch. At some point, we have to be accountable.

We cannot use mental health as an excuse to hurt other people. “Look What You Made Me Do” by Taylor Swift does not apply here, people.

I have tried to blame my actions on my mental health. In a way…my mental health has been a good judgment of character sometimes. That’s a deeper thought for another conversation/blog.

Last evening I was driving home thinking about when I got so messed up in the heart with romantic relationships. I had to do some self reflection. And that can be hard to do. But once you do it, it can get easier. For me, it’s not that hard because I’m an open book. I mean…hence my blog, right? Half of the stuff I put on here most people would NEVER expose. Hopefully somebody appreciates me doing that. I’ve just kinda always been that way. But I’ve gotten more bold over the years. But am still a people pleaser. Ya kinda never know what to expect from me. One of my dear friends, Izzy, told me that one time when I was little. Little does she know it has stuck by me all these years. What, like, 10+ years? 12 years? 13? Crazy how much life we’ve lived. And how much trauma we both have endured. But we both are still thriving. Totally off topic, but I tend to follow my heart here. I suppose God puts these things on my heart.

Just because you’re a child of God does not make your life EASY.

Being a Christian gives you an expected future. And someone to always do life with no matter what. God is your forever best friend. No matter what you do. No matter what you say. No matter what you do against Him. You were/are worthy to be sacrificed for on the cross. YOU. It’s individualistic. Not just a whole as in Jesus dies for everyone. But He died for YOU. And for ME. And for your ex boyfriend. And for your baby momma/daddy. For that person who abused you. Who left you. He died for them. I saw a meme on Facebook that said next time you’re mean to someone or something like that, remember that Jesus loves them too. Gives some perspective, right?

By the way, I don’t have depression.

My anxiety gets so bad that my brain goes into a depressive state; I feel numb sometimes during those moments. Honestly, it is kind of a relief. It can be nice. It doesn’t last long, though.

I have been this way like all my life. The difference is, I was healthier back then. I had more help with life back then. I was a teenager. Didn’t have to worry about much. Ya know? Thank the Lord for my momma! And I am so sorry about the times I took stuff out on her, because trust me, it happened and still does! All the time. Love you, momma, so much <33. Man, I love that woman with my whole heart and then some.

I remember my mom trying to get me some help for anxiety when I was like 10 or so. I caught on to what was happening prrrrrettttttttty quick. I wasn’t there for it. So she let me figure it out on my own. And I did. Like 9 years later.

I was put on medicine the first time I ever met the therapist.

It was rough.

Real rough.

Like my friend Brian had to make sure I was eating, rough.

Thank the Lord for Brian.

He is a sweet person and friend! Very kindhearted. And genuine. Always there (for the most part). You can’t expect someone to always be there 100%; that’s unrealistic.

As it’s hard to understand anxiety and the control it can have, for us with anxiety, it can be hard to understand the other way around sometimes. I think to myself, “must be nice.”

To not ever naturally worry about nothing?? Phew doggy! Amen! Hallelujah! Right? Pretty sure everyone with this struggle can agree. Or anyone with any “issue” period would agree with me.

Look, anxiety isn’t necessarily a bad or horrible thing, but it can be. As can everything.

I’m a huge extrovert with SOME introverted qualities. But, really, I don’t really understand what it’s like to be an introvert.

I mean…I get anxiety from both sides of my family. It was inevitable.

I wouldn’t be myself without anxiety.

I’ve even contemplated getting a tattoo of that word on me. Weird, I know. But such a day to day thing. And such a real thing. But I need to be reminded that there’s more out there and God’s trying to show it to me. I love that I’m stubborn too…

Next blog is about luv. What do you think? Should we only be with people who always treat us right? Or should we work at it? Is love conditional? Is love unconditional? If it is, do we treat it as conditional?

stay tuned. xoxo -

A