How I Really Feel

Love. What a tricky lil word.

How do you know if you love someone? Does that mean you’ll always treat them “right?” No. We grow. We learn. We do change. But we also have to look at those pesky little chambers in the heart, shall we?

Why push someone away? Is it because of fear? See, my heart does things without my brain even realizing that it’s doing it. Miscommunication can sometimes happen, am I right? You say, “I’m done.” But the heart’s like…, “oh really?” Just like the song “Asking All Them Questions,” ya know what I mean?!

I’m gonna leave this link right here just in case you need a refresher or if you’re a caveman and have never seen it ~ https://youtu.be/gwUX4cSwrRk

So, I’m sure you all are wondering. Who is this guy? That you can’t let go of. Who keeps coming back. Who keeps slipping back into the heart? Who you have an electric connection with? Who you love but want to physically hurt at the same time, am I right, ladies?!

I love him.

I really do. I 100% do.

And a lot of people don’t understand and don’t agree. I’m hoping writing this will give them some insight as well as the man I’m writing to. He knows who he is and he waits every week for my blog to come out (even if we aren’t on at the time). Isn’t that sweet?

This is someone who knows. He knows. He knows. Ya know? There’s something about him. And he’ll say the same thing about me. True love does conquer all. Maybe I’m scared to loose another person. Maybe I’m scared of my ability of judgment. Those people who don’t “approve,” have they tried to understand? Some have, some haven’t. See, when I’m faced with defensive tactics, I usually try to run the other way. I get distant. I space out. Find other ways to occupy that time. Yes? Anyone else? Because my feelings do matter and my opinions on it do matter and honestly…they’re the only ones that truly matter at the end of the day. Because at the end of the day, I’ll have to live with the regrets. I’ll have to live with the what if’s. I’ll have to live the fact that I didn’t choose to love him like I should have.

To me, he’s tall(ish), dark, and handsome. He’s mysterious and not that open. And it drives you crazy that he isn’t. You try to crack open that crab shell. And you won’t stop until you do. It’s almost like an obsession, loving him. But in a good way. You can’t get enough. You don’t get tired looking at the same pictures all the time of him when he was younger. That certain look on his face always gets to you. It’s not ever really that hard to let him back in. Because he never really left. In my heart nor in his.

No one looks at that stuff. They see the negative. They don’t see how he helps me. They don’t see how he gets me. They don’t see that I really do love him. And it would make it a heck of a lot easier for it if the people I love could accept it. As a good a friend of mine said, “I don’t walk in your shoes.”

For some reason, he keeps coming back. It keeps coming back, the love, the spark. It comes back every time. When am I going to fully embrace it and stop being so damn scared? It’s because I’ve been left so many damn times, in death and on this earth. It’s because I’m a people pleaser mostly in my personal life. I want people to approve of what I’m doing because that’s easier. Is easier always better? What about what God wants me. Oh, that’s a hard one right? That’s something we have to ask Him. Is this God’s will for my life?

also - am I scared of what he could really do to me? Ah…but if I truly let him in all the way…he could truly hurt me.

I’ve had this same type of magnetic connection with one other person; his name is …well, you’ll find out the CHARACTER’S NAME that’s based off of him soon enough in my upcoming series of books that I am writing !! Eeeeek! I think that’s the first time I’ve said it publicly. But, I’ll say it again for the people in the back:

I am writing a series of novels!

That has been a dream of mine since I was like 15 or so. So here we go <3

I’ve been putting it off long enough…seems like a better time than any, right! I mean…we don’t know if we have tomorrow.

Anyways - back to this dude, right?! For now, we will call him V. I still check up on him time to time without him knowing. He will always have a place in my heart no matter what he did. I always loved him. He was the typical bad boy. Ice colored eyes. Jet black hair with some blonde highlights. Yep, that’s V. He is definitely a signature. He definitely had a pull on me, but I’m glad that’s over and done with. I’ve never been in such a toxic relationship in my life. He had this control over me. He manipulated me. Lied to me. Ghosted me.

I remember one time he was holding me and he said, “there’s not a place safer than being right here.” After I said, “I feel so safe.” I literally could be in the pit of danger and be perfectly fine because I was with him. How crazy is that? It wasn’t really me. It was, but not the best version of me.

I saw the best version of him. When he wasn’t using. Or was he? I’ll never know. That was one of the hardest things - the idea of never knowing. I still need to truly accept that. There’s a big part of me that is so excited to write his parts of the book because I kinda get to figure him out. Hey, at least I get to figure his character out, right? LOL

I saw the beautiful soul that resided in his bad boy body. Underneath those crystal eyes. Underneath. He fascinated me. His soul really is beautiful and I hope that I impacted his life. I hope he knows that I will always love him.

He represented self expression and the “rebel” side of me. I felt like I could dress like a rebel, I had my hair dyed how I wanted it, got my nose repierced.

Our connection was magical. But it was dangerous. In every way.

But boy did I love him.

I still do. Always will. And I’m not ashamed of that.

It’s special that I’ve found that same type of connection with someone who has been there. Who has seen me through my darkest days and hours. Who has been there when my biggest trauma slapped me in the face. Who has held me as I cried. Who has listened to every word I say and has been fascinated to hear me speak. Who has talked with me and been an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on about my beloved husband. Anytime, any place - he’s there. No questions asked. I love him. Irrevocably. No one’s opinion can change that fact. And I’m sorry. But I want to be that version of Anna that he loves so much - the one who looks at people and says “you don’t like it? F**k you.”

If I don’t let it all in - I will regret it. Because I do love him. And I’m not letting that go.

Ps - really wish he was out of his big slumber so I could tell him this. But I can’t wait to hear about what he thinks of the blog. Think he’ll like it?

Xoxo

AC