Morbid

Hello. Happy Monday.

Today, class, we are going to discuss morbidity, the act of being morbid. You’ll have to forgive me - after what I’ve been through, I tend to be a little pessimistic sometimes and I tend to say things that can be morbid.

DISCLAIMER: Please do not read if you’re not okay with a little negativity and do not want to read about death. Or if you don’t like to talk about reality and Christianity. Because all of that will be in this blog.

Being a Christian does not make your life easier. It does make your life better, but it is still life and it does not make it easier all the time per say.

Sometimes, God does not answer prayers in the way we want, even if we ask for His will.

I am a Christian. Matt was a Christian. But God still took him.

God still allowed me to be a 23 year old widow.

God took my husband when I was just 23 years old.

On May 6th, 2019, my whole world flipped on its head.

Do you think I enjoyed that? No.

Do you think that blessed me? No.

Do you think God took care of me and does every single day? Yes.

Do you think God held me in the palm of His hand and has me every single day? Yes.

Do you think He wept along with me? Hell yes.

My mom said something last night that pertains to this blog really well: “God could’ve taken my pain away and I asked why He didn’t just take it away.” … *mic drop*

Pain, suffering, sorrow, anger, sadness, all of that yucky stuff is necessary for us to grow. We have to be uncomfortable to change most of the time, really. Yes? Happiness is really a state of mind. We have to be happy on our own to be happy with anyone else. We have to love ourselves first before we love others.

One cannot be happy with another person until they are happy with themselves.

While being a Christian DOES NOT always make my life so grand, there are tribulations and sh*t, being a Christian DOES give me a forever Hand to hold, a forever best friend, a Savior, and an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite verse; look it up. :) Being a Christian helps, but it does not “cure” life. When you get saved, the old does go away and the new comes. But our trauma, damage, etc. is still there. We are Christians ON EARTH. We are not in heaven yet, people.

I am not here to tell you that being a Christian fixes all your problems all the time. fam.
I’m here to tell you that being a Christian gives you an expected end and that God works all things out for your good. Like that post on Facebook always says, He turns messes until messages and He turns tests to testimonies.

As much as it pains me to say this, (similar to what my motivational app tells me, coming in CLUTCH) accept this, what have you, even though I have looked, and I have thought, it’s not my time to have someone.

Believe it or not…I am a control freak.

Believe it or not…God often times sits back and waits for me to just “give up” on what I’m trying to do so He can just handle it. Anyone else like that? LOL. Because it just obviously ain’t working because it’s not what He wants for me right now. Unfortunately.

I tend to get jealous. Or get pessimistic. Irritated. Mad at the world. Lonely. Bitter. Sad. Depressed like. Anxious. Yes?

One big downfall of mine is that I rely on people too much. I’m extrovert with anxiety. *insert anxiety emoji here. -> 😅

I used to work for this woman who everything seemed perfect for. And it drove me up the wall (still does). I still hate on her. Why? That sentence two above.

Christians SHOULD NOT portray their lives as perfect on social media or anywhere else, really. I try to be as real and raw as I can be on my Facebook and even more so on my blog. I mean…if you regularly read my stuff, YOU KNOW LOL. 🤣 I’m sure some of y’all are sick of reading about my Chapter Two. Sorry not sorry. 💙😘

One thing, as Christians, that we have to realize:

People are watching us.

They’re watching our faith. Our actions. Our words. Our demeanor. It’s scary. It’s a good challenge, too.

Listen here - you can still have the same amount of FAITH if you’re angry at God.

Let me say it for the people in the back and for Karen - you can still have your FAITH and be angry at God.

Shoot…I’ve been angry at God. He knows. He’s okay with it. He wants that. He wants us. In whatever shape or form.

Anyways - back to my negative rant LOL. Actually get some morbidity in here!!

The next time you are griping about dinner, think about your husband/wife in the box.

In the grave. In the casket. In the coffin. In the vault.

The next time you’re complaining because they got the wrong kind of peanut butter, be thankful to you have a spouse to go send.

The next holiday, think about the people who are widows. Or who have been broken up with. Just like it isn’t all about our sorrow, it is not about your cookie cutter perfect life.

I got married when I was 20. Was I ready for marriage? HA. Matt died when I was 23. I found my Chapter Two when I was 24, but that didn’t work out obviously.

I wish I didn’t take my husband for granted. I wish I would’ve lived everyday like it was our last. I spent His forever with him, but I do not get to spend my forever with him. Our friend Chris helped me see that Matt did spend HIS forever with me. And that was very special to recognize!

One of my main life mottos now goes a little something like this: “Life your life like it’s your last day, but plan like you have forever.” Simple enough,? Yes.

Don’t think I haven’t almost completely given up on love. Because we close, fam.

Do you think I want to find my person? YES.

Do you think I want to meal prep with somebody? UM, YES. I want to love someone and I want that person to love me. Is that so hard to ask for? But it’s not my time obviously.

Loneliness SUCKS. Living alone SUCKS sometimes. Not having that spousal companion SUCKS.

ALSO - PSA: If you just got married or are married or are in a relationship: DO NOT NEGLECT YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE YOU’RE IN THE CUPCAKE PHASE. Go watch “Asking All Them Questions” on YouTube. Thank me later.

People already in relationships: yoU’lL fiNd tHaT pErsOn WheN yOu LeAst ExpEct It oR ArEn’T LooKinG”

No one:

Also no one: OK KAREN.

Hit them with that “OK.”

…but those of us that are not in a relationship and want to be, the waiting period makes us uncomfortable. I know for me, I like to distract myself with whatever I can to try to not think about (well, let’s face it - I always think most of the time! Or at least it’s present in my brain, I guess) whatever it is. Staying busy is great, it is, but is it a fix all?

Just like Matt James’s mom said, “Love is not the end all be all.” AMEN sister! Love is an emotion and a feeling. That does not mean faithfulness, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, it does not mean the commitment part of it. Because you can love but not stay with that person or talk to that person. I’ve had to do that, and that is not fun. At all. Emotional abuse and/or narcissism is not fun either. Ironically, the person I am referring to, posted something on their Facebook about, “If you love them, let them go.” Mhm, honey. Karma is a you know what (b*tch).

I am that type of Christian who cusses. I am not changing it for YOU, for Jim Bob, or for whoever else. This is Anna and if you don’t like it, buzz off. God used Peter, why the hell can’t He use me? Let me tell ya - He already is! And I am glad. I am set apart. I’m that type of Christian who loves people who are gay. Be like Jesus - plain and simple. Jesus sits with PEOPLE whether they are GAY, STRAIGHT, whatever; it doesn’t MATTER. That’s a whole other blog/video subject…coming soon.

One of the most dear people in my life opened up to me about her fear of going to hell because she is gay. That is not acceptable. As someone somewhere once said, “We have to do better.” That is NOT what we should be doing or believing as Christians. Jesus loves us ALL. He accepts us ALL. Not just the righteous. I’m going to leave that there. We all want to be accepted. We all want to be liked. But Jesus didn’t come and die on that cross so we could be liked. He died so we could be saved. Excuse my French, but what the hell are we doing here if we aren’t going to be ourselves? I think Shakespeare said: to thine own self be true. Yes? As my friend told me, God didn’t make mistakes when He made YOU.

I want the person of my dreams to look at me and say that I am special and that they aren’t letting me go. I want that person to look at me like my best friends and family look at me. An amazing person who has been through hell. The not so typical 25 year old. I may shake my ass, say inappropriate things, run my mouth more than I should/open my mouth more than I should, occasionally not speak up, I may cuss more than I need to, BUT I have a good heart and my heart belongs to Jesus. <3 I am going to stand up for Jesus. I am going to run my mouth for Jesus. Whether I’m right or wrong, I’m going to say what’s on my heart. I guess you can call me a radical. ☺️🙋🏼‍♀️💁🏼‍♀️

One thing to get me riled up - RELATIONSHIP VS. RELIGION

Oh Lawd…Lord, help me.

Christianity is not about religion. It’s about the heart. It’s about people. It’s about souls.

Like my dad says, “Plain and simple.”

RELATIONSHIP VS. religion

What matters at the end of the day: if your name is written in the book of life. What does that mean? It means this: you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior; believe that He died on the cross for YOU.

That’s all that matters. Periodt.

Lord, I promise to do what’s on my heart for You. I promise to be Anna full and through. I promise to love myself, You, and people. And to live for You, flaws, sins, and all. I promise to stand up. To speak. To write. To do. To be. To love. To always have faith. To always have hope. To always be Yours, and You mine. To always be Anna. Because that - that is enough.

Like my motivational app told me a few minutes ago, it’s okay to be not okay {morbid}, just don’t stay there. 😘

xoxo - A