25

Ah, 25 years. My golden birthday has come and it has passed. Something I’ve looked forward to for a long time has come and it has passed.

Officially, I have lived longer on this earth than my dear Matt; I am 25 and he was 24 when he passed away. That is a surreal thought.

My mind and my heart tend to walk before they run. They tend to cause more stress than really needs be most of the time; I guess anxiety can do that to you. A part of me “hates” that part about myself, but the other wants to choose to embrace it. One of my best friends, well, more like my twin, sent me this article via Facebook messenger about the big and bad, anxiety. The man said that we need to feel it. Let it happen. And I totally agree.

Pushing something to the side whether it is anxiety or not does not help anything. A zit will pop whether you pop it yourself or whether it pops on its own. If you have to throw up, you’re going to throw up. It’s AWFUL, but sometimes it’s necessary.

Talking about it is a necessary evil.

Being vulnerable does not make you weak, it makes you strong.

I’ve learned quite a bit over the past few months of being 24. But let’s talk about 23. Well, 17 and 18.

At 17, fixing to be 18, I met my Chapter One. At 19, fixing to be 20, I met my Chapter Two. But didn’t fall for them until I was 24.

I remember seeing Matt (Chapter One) for the first time; our future flashed in front of me. About four months before I met him, I thought that a guy I was dating, Jacob, was my person. And he completely shattered my heart. So when I met Matt, I was skeptical of him being “the one” because of what happened with Jacob.

I knew I loved Matt after 2 days. And I told him.

Matt and I had our ups and our downs, but I wouldn’t trade any of it. Our story is a true testament to God’s grace, forgiveness, love, and fruits of the Spirit. Matt was truly my Prince Charming, my one true love, my high school sweetheart. We had beat the odds and the obstacles. I did all that work for him just to die.

…Morbid much?

Sorry, after what I’ve experienced, it warrants a little frustration, anger, etc. at God. Although - it is not His fault. He wept right there with me. Grief is a WEIRD son of a gun. The anger, for me, came out of nowhere. Well, not entirely. I’m sure you’ve read some of my stuff about emotional triggers, right? Right :)

Long story short, I had a trigger and had a big breakdown alone. And there came the anger. The anger was there the day it happened, shortly before we knew for sure (officially) that it was Matt.

The anger stayed for a while. And I’m sure it’s still there. But it’s getting better. God and I are getting better. <3

I met my Chapter Two five years ago. From the moment I laid my eyes on them, I was intrigued. I always have thought the world of them. I knew they were always there. I thought they were so brave and beautiful; I was honored to know them.

And I was honored to love them, too. I remember what it was like to love them. I remember the contentment in my heart when I held them, when we were present, when we kissed. I remember the touch of their skin; that sometimes seems to haunt me. I remember the smell of their hair gel in their ice blonde hair, the crystal of their eyes, the imperfection-less porcelain skin with their distinct mole, and their perfect smile.

I remember them telling me if I ever felt unwanted to tell them because that was not ever their intention.

I’m here to tell you:

I felt and feel unwanted.

I feel second best. I feel like the good, ole trusted.

Everyone is broken.

We all hurt people. Like I’ve seen on Facebook, “we’ve all been the enemy in someone’s story.” HA - I’ve been the enemy in A LOT of stories.

As I sit here, finishing writing this, a candle burns in my living room. One of my besties, Katie, gave it to me. Believe it or not, Katie and I almost lost each other once. But neither of us plan on doing it again. God gave her to me. And I really hurt her. I asked for forgiveness and for her to come back. She forgave me and came back. Thank you, Katie. I love you.

But that wouldn’t have worked if I did not take accountability for my actions, amirite?

Everyone is broken. Like I say later, I’ve hurt people. I’ve tried to love, but it just didn’t work. I wasn’t ready. But I didn’t know that, really. I didn’t want to be alone, really. Yes, I loved the people I was with over the past two years that Matt has been gone, but it wasn’t the right love, wasn’t the right person. And I really thought I had found the right love with my Chapter Two. But it just wasn’t the right time or it wasn’t the right person, but, I am becoming better. And for that, I am very thankful. I do not have regrets; I am not that type of person. All is forgiven, although I cannot promise that I won’t cry about it again or that my heart won’t ever bleed again. Or yearn for that person ever again. Do you know that I wanted to pick up the phone and talk to that person 5 years ago?

I love this person as much as I did two weeks ago, a month ago. Since I met them. I hate that we lost each other. I begged them to come back, but all they did was give me even more questions to the questions and confusion I already had.

R E S P E C T

Thank you, my girl, Aretha Franklin.

The ability to truly respect yourself and respect others is truly one of the best gifts you’ll ever receive. Fight against narcissistic behavior and just don’t stand for it. Be accountable. Hold people accountable. Honey, I promise, it is not all about you nor me.

I have this gift of ESP or of extremely accurate gut feelings, right? And I thought that I would give them everything they wanted on a silver platter, but, it wouldn’t be Anna in the end. And that’s exactly what happened. But that’s okay. When they finally crash and burn, they’ll see what they gave up on and missed out on.

I was everything this person wanted, truly. I guess that Anna wasn’t the person they wanted. I pushed my needs and my wants to the side because I just wanted them. And at the end of the day, that’s not okay. And it’s not healthy for anybody. Because, I did not show my true self if all I did was try to make them happy and not let the true Anna show.

The love I had for this person consumed me, as Elena from The Vampire Diaries described. I truly would’ve done WHATEVER for that person. And I understand that they were/are going through a lot. But this person couldn’t even be a friend to me.

All I wanted was for this person to show up for me, which Clare Crawley from The Bachelorette says. I just wanted them to choose me. And in the end, I wasn’t enough. And I never really felt chosen. And like Hannah Brown said, “I refuse to not feel chosen every single day.” She, also, is a Bachelorette star - I LOVE HER! She also said when referring to sex before marriage, “I’ve had sex. And Jesus still loves me.” YES QUEEN.

And by the way - God still loves you.

No matter what. Always! And forever <3

Anyways - back to the story.

I don’t feel that they know the real Anna. Or that a real effort was put into getting to know that Anna. I spent hours upon hours getting to know this person through their social media. And looking at photos of them because I just couldn’t get enough. Or because I missed them. I just was in such awe of them and adored them so much. I just wanted the same in return, truly. I wanted them to look at me and be like, “that’s my girl." I wanted to be that person’s end game, as the Riverdale cast says. I would listen to “Finally Found You” by Enrique Iglesias and fantasize about being with them and them proposing to me. Even though I wanted it and I fantasized about it, I didn’t really see it. Not because of me, but because of them. I saw them picking out a ring for me and getting the advice of my friends and their friends and our friends and their friends marrying each other and us all becoming one. I pictured them taking the opinions of our friends, but making their decision. I envisioned either a rose gold or a white gold diamond ring, with a halo or a double halo. It was pear/teardrop shaped and it had a twist in the band. I pictured them in a black tux waiting on me to arrive, just like The Bachelor.

I really thought this person was my Chapter Two, and they were. But I will not stand for question marks all the time nor will I stand for any type of emotional abuse. I have stood for it twice and I will not do it again. What kind of woman would I be if I allowed that in my own life? What kind of example would I lead? What kind of mentor would I be if I allowed that disrespect?

This person completely cut me out, or at least that’s what it looked like. I get on Facebook to look at their profile and I’m DELETED. After five years of friendship, I’m just gone. Tears just came down. Do you know how that made me feel? And still makes me feel? Do they not wonder what I’m doing? Does it not eat them alive that they really don’t have access to my life anymore? I wish it did. It’s crazy how we’re not even friends on Facebook anymore…sad.

To me, it’s easy to spill out my emotions in words, obviously, hence my blog. I’m the first one to hop in the car and drive to Nashville. But would they do that for me?

If I could’ve chosen a way to get to our happy ending, it would’ve been this:

Meet halfway. Talk it out. Hug. Choose to trust. Choose to love. And prove each other right. But, unfortunately, it did not work out that way.

At the end of the day, I SPELLED out what I wanted.

This person forgot my birthday, and, my golden birthday at that. Does that scream someone who cares about another person? Asking for a friend. Just like that song, “Say Something” by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera… SAY SOMETHING. Other than “hey.” Do more. Say more. Didn’t I put myself out there for them? Why can’t they do that for me?

News flash: that is not a lot to ask for. Like at all.

I may not seem like I have trust issues on the outside, but I do. My therapist and I have figured out that I trust only to a point. But as far as all the way, not totally all the time. I may have issues trusting very easily, but it only goes skin deep, yes?

I’m so tired of the wondering. And of the confusion. And of filling in the blanks because they don’t and won’t.

My motivational app is always coming in clutch. It told me that if you’re with the right person, you should never have to wonder, when you go to bed, if you’re important to someone/your place in someone’s life. I will let you ponder on that.

Our story could’ve been even more beautiful than it was, but it wasn’t. My needs were not met. I put them first. I loved with my whole heart, and that is something I have not been able to do in YEARS. For that, I am thankful. For the ability to love them truly, I give thanks to God. I didn’t know that I would meet my Chapter Two that one day at a chain restaurant, but it was meant to happen. My heart still kinda sinks when I see the same car they drive; I can now crack a smile. I didn’t know that day the way I would feel some short years later.

I’ve envisioned them coming to see me at work and being present and showing up and making that big of an effort and demanding that they’re not loosing me. And the person who I thought I fell for would’ve done that in the first place. They would’ve chosen me. They would’ve taken care of me, my heart, my soul, my spirit, my anxiety, my scars, everything. They wouldn’t be able to get enough of Anna.

I can fantasize all day long, but that person isn’t coming. The person I fell for is the person I made up in my head, their social media, and the memory I have five years ago.

Let’s talk about how this changed me.

I will always love this person. I cannot just turn that off. They will always hold that place. Do I wish it would’ve turned out differently? Yes. But it didn’t. And I have to live with that and accept. All I have now are facts, a bleeding heart, a lost friend and a lost lover, and now scars.

I cherished them. Completely and totally a hundred percent. I meant every word I said. Truly.

I used to have commitment issues after Matt died. I struggled with being truly vulnerable. I made mistakes. I did things I’m not proud of. I hurt people. I played with hearts. But it all changed when this person came into my sights. They were it. I was able to love again, to have true love. To be patient, to be kind, just like Corinthians says. I was able to do that. How beautiful is that? They were it. But I wasn’t it, Anna was not it. “Yours” by Russell Dickerson described my love for them perfectly. Even though they truly were never mine, I was theirs. I was able to truly be vulnerable. To put someone above myself. It was truly beautiful. It did not turn out how I wanted it to, no, but through the pain, through the tribulation, through the tears, through the multiple stab wounds turning into scars on my heart now, I changed. I am becoming better. I feel more like Anna. And I love that. I know my worth. And it doesn’t match this situation unfortunately, not right now.

I want a genuine connection with someone. I want them to want ME. It’s crazy…I don’t even really remember what being wanted as Anna feels like? Or at least a few days ago, I kinda felt like that wasn’t even possible anymore after this. I want to be someone that people look up to and my dancers look up to. I want to be somebody that my parents, my grandparents, my uncle and my family and friends are proud of and proud to know. And that God wants to use. He’s using me right now, hopefully, in someone’s life.

We are all broken. We all make mistakes. But - there is always another chance, a new beginning. Must we learn to step up and show up, even if we ourselves do not seem to have any hope left. But remember, there is always hope.

One of my favorite quotes if you didn’t know already:

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.” - The Hunger Games

:)

Thank you for reading. More to come.

XOXO - A