Oceans

I remember, standing backstage, how nervous I was. The crowd would be watching just me. “What if I forgot the moves?”

But as soon as I stepped out on that stage, I felt God there with me and a peace came over me, I turned to face the crowd and a smile came upon across my face.

My walk with God has never been easy. I’ve had bumps in the road ever since I was a kid. If you think that the only thing that ever happened to me was loosing Matt, it’s not. But God has been there every step of the way. He has held me in palm of His hand.

As my dad likes to say, God has put out fires for me. Over and over. Over and over. My cup overflow.

As I sit here with my Blue Bell strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla ice cream and Stouffer’s lasagna and burnt bread, tears are running down my face, you see. Why? I realized two things I guess you could say:

1) God is my best friend.

2) I am not okay. And what I desire is not what God wants right now. I got that from a photo on Pinterest. SO TRUE.

At the end of the day, even though I talk a big game, I want companionship. But every time I try, it fails. Why?

I want to get an infinity ring to symbolize that it’s me and God forever; my hairstylist has an infinity ring that is absolutely gorgeous and I wanted it. I don’t know where she got it, but I’ve found one I really like. It’ll go on my pointer finger; God lead me.

I’m tired of the games. I want my person. I thought I found them. But they’re not here. Do they check my Facebook? Do they check my blog to see if I’ve posted? Will they text me on my birthday next week?

Maybe I need to get off social media again for awhile, 4real. I need to stop looking. And look at God, fam.

Please don’t get it twisted and think that my faith is about my perfect life because I can promise you that sitting alone without a human and just my animals on a Saturday night when you get ditched and ya ask God to please let this feeling of “I don’t mind this” continue. Because you know it really won’t. Staying at home tonight was one of the best things for me and the best therapy, truly.

I’ve got candles burning for one.

I get so tired of being lonely. I don’t want to do this without a damn human, I really don’t. But I have to, because that’s what God wants.

It’s okay to not agree with God. It’s okay to be mad at God. But He’s your friend. He’s your father. He knows best.

Do you think I want to be crying sometimes about some person two hours away who couldn’t give a rat’s ass (excuse my French) about Anna? No.

Do you think I want to be crying because I don’t really care for how my life is at this exact moment? No.

But sometimes “temper tantrums” are good for the soul (they’re not really temper tantrums, I know, I’m funny).

I’m going to use Hannah Brown’s expression here: “I’ve had sex and Jesus still loves me.”

I cuss, Jesus still loves me.

I love who I love, Jesus still loves me. He still chooses me. He still calls me beautiful; also learned that on my Pinterest. Go Pinterest!

There’s a whole world out there of possibilities; we just have to want to find them. I have such an issue focusing on people and not myself. I truly am a goal/career oriented person though. But I can be lazy. Like my friend Josh says, I can say I’m not looking and then three days later, say “I’ve met someone” and then they’re an a-hole. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Joshy right, he right.

The title of this blog is “Oceans.” Why? Because that was the song I danced to up above. “Oceans” by Hillsong United. It was my senior dance solo. Senior solos were a big deal to us and our school. The outfit, the cut of the music, what music, will it impress the teacher? Will I forget the moves? 😅 We get to wear our hair down!!

To find someone who wants to hear what I’ve been through and who wants to know the details of my life and why I am the way I am… that’s who I want. Someone who cherishes and loves every word no matter what.

When I tell you I’m not okay, I am struggling. I am here to tell you I’m struggling. But I’ll get better, I always do. ❤️ So if you want to reach out, do. My heart and soul need it. And your prayers.

I need to shift focuses. Because, yeah, God is correct. I won’t be with that person until God says so.

As Demi Lovato says, “give your heart a break.” And also that song that I can’t think of the name, “I think it’s time to take a heart… break.”

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders…” He definitely is doing that in my life right now, folks. Because this is not a fun nor comfortable time, for many reasons.

I need to remember the feeling of “Oceans,” the feeling of fellowship with God, and just God in general. Because, He, He my friends, is my end game. Like my Riverdale reference?

Xo- A