But Now, I’m Back

Good afternoon, everyone. Thought I’d warm up this day’s coffee with some TEA.

Let’s play chess for a second, yes? Today, in this blog, I will use several examples today. Snakes, players, chess pieces, options, all the same. Several subjects today, class.

First:

S N A K E S.
Snakes: pretty, but vicious.

No matter how much your stomach drops when you see them, they’re still a snake. No matter how many times you do what they ask, they’re still snakes and you’ll and it’ll never be enough.

No matter what words they say, they haven’t changed.

What’s that saying? “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Shame on me.

E M O T I O N A L A B U S E.

Before I get into the nitty gritty of the “wonderfulness” in my brain that turns into words for you guys, let’s define emotional abuse again like we have in my previous blogs. “Emotional Abuser, Ed. One” is one of my blogs about emotional abuse. Obviously, I am a huge advocate of it.

According to Google: “Psychological abuse, often called emotional abuse, is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Emotional abusers make you question yourself.

There’s a THIN line with emotional abuse. Really, anything could be emotional abuse.

Guys and gals, it is not hard to be real. And to be honest. And to mean what you say. A lot of emotional abuse, I believe, can be avoided by just being honest. And not being shady. And not being deceitful on purpose.

Just sucks when I’m FINALLY ready to be completely vulnerable and feel the way I do again about somebody, it is not reciprocated. The moment I try to be good. LOL. OK.

Purposely doing something that triggers someone else: emotional abuse.

Making a snide comment about said trigger: emotional abuse.

Not trying to understand mentioned trigger: sh*tty.

Turning things around to make yourself look less sh*tty: emotional abuse.

Using your words and feelings against you: emotional abuse.

Talking when it’s convenient for them when they know you’re struggling and needing to talk: emotional abuse.

Making a promise and purposely breaking it/letting someone believe something that is not true at all: sh*tty.

Using someone: sh*tty.

Knowing what you’re doing and knowing the feelings involved and you’re still doing it: sh*tty.

We gotta do better.

This past week, I’ve had trouble sleeping a few nights. Maybe because of my sinus infection, or, maybe because of the inner turmoil in my head and heart that are just not necessary. Yes?

THERE’S NO REASON TO BE MADE TO FEEL THAT WAY.

THERE’S NO REASON FOR GAMES.

If you cannot tell, my anxiety is high at this moment. I’m hoping writing will help. This blog consists of writings from a few days ago and also today.

M E N T A L H E A L T H.

I am a HUGE advocate for mental health, if you don’t already know that. But let me say this for people in the back:

MENTAL HEALTH/TRAUMA/HURT/WHATEVER IT IS DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TREAT PEOPLE BADLY OR TO BE SHADY AT ALL WHETHER IT IS ON PURPOSE OR NOT {and potentially apologize later, or not}.

Mental health is not a cop out.

Your trauma is not your cop out.

That girl or boy that hurt you is not your cop out.

I’ve seen that ignorant Facebook post about “well my mental health is bad and that’s okay if I’m not a good friend…” EEEEEEEEEK. Stop those breaks, baby girl. STOP. Collaborate and listen. See what I did there?

What you’ve been through is not a life sentence. For you or for me.

Excuses are for the weak. Mental health should never be used as an excuse; there’s a different in an excuse and a reason. Huge difference, my friends.

Everyone is different and grows at their own pace. And heals at their own pace. And that’s fine. But don’t use that as an excuse to not take care of someone, honey.

I have ESP or intuition or something, not really sure. But sometimes I just have feelings. But sometimes they’re not accurate, sometimes they are. It’s a beautiful thing. A lot of times I’ll predict something and it’ll happen.

Maybe that drop in your stomach - maybe it’s negative. Maybe it’s not good. Maybe your body is trying to tell you something, sweetie. Maybe your gut is telling you something, babe. Maybe you’ve created a lie in your own mind because they hold back from you. You want them so bad, and they aren’t really there so you create them in their mind so to speak, like what their social media portrays or who you thought they were. Isn’t that sad? Especially when you’re LITERALLY what they want. But you’re not WHO they want. They just want attention, baby, not your heart. Just like the song says.

Next subject, class:

R E D F L A G S.

LISTEN TO THEM! PLEASE! Don’t be like me. Don’t try to dance around them or make excuses for them. Do NOT allow emotional abuse. I’m all over the place today. But oh well. I allowed emotional abuse here recently. And it’s not okay. What kind of woman would I be if I allow it again? After what I went through years ago? Ya know, that abuse I had to go through EMDR therapy for? in 2017, and recently: I was taken advantage of, lied to, manipulated, given false word; it’s not okay. And I’m very hurt. And I allowed it. I didn’t want to listen to the warnings. I didn’t want to believe the facts right in front of me. I would rather have gotten hurt and known the truth instead of having what if’s. And that right there - makes me and my heart beautiful. But I should’ve listened. I gave my heart to someone I trusted. And now I don’t. To someone I thought I knew. To someone who I adored. And loved with all my heart, truly. But I know the truth now. And it was stomped all over whether they meant to or not. Hopefully one day, they’ll understand, they’ll regret doing things to put our relationship in harm’s way (as one of their posts said, see?). I would say I wish it on them, but I really don’t. Because they’ve been through enough heartache already. But - you’d think since they know the pain, they’d stay away from hurting someone else. But I guess not.

ALSO - ANOTHER SUBJECT:

W O M E N.

Ah, the coveted subject: WOMEN.
I’m a woman. I’ve had a lot of female people in my life. And I used to think that men played games…but, actually, women are worse.

I understand what my dad says when he claims that women have snakes coming out they heads, amirite? Men don’t even compare. And yes, they are kinda stupid. 🤣

Because women are smart. They know the game. They know the heart. They know the prey. And they’re good at what they do; it just is what it is. It doesn’t make it okay.

Women, whether they’re straight, bisexual, lesbian, whatever else floats your boat, should lift each other up as another lady said yesterday. It just baffles me how another woman can make another woman feel some type of way. And it baffles me how you can reach and spell out that your emotions are eating ya alive, and then they choose to be selfish anyways. Nah, girl. Girl nah, as I’ve heard someone say.

Being a woman does not give you an excuse.

I gave this person my heart. My time. But now, I’m back.

They kinda picked the wrong b*tch here. Because: I’m not scared to hurt feelings. I’m not scared to call you out. I will hold them accountable. Because they probably have never been held accountable.

I tried to tell them about my emotional abuse story back years ago, but they simply didn’t ask. I would’ve given them the world, truly. But this story is playing out exactly how I imagined it would. One of the worst punishments on this earth is having to live with your mistakes and having to get to know someone through the social media and in this case, blog and book, and look’s like, unfortunately, they’ll have to do that. Because I tried. I really didn’t ask for much. My friend told me that I’d find someone who would unconditionally love me. Here’s what I said:

I don’t even want that at this moment. I just want:

To be paid attention to.

To be wanted. 

To be cared for. 

To be loved. 

Admired.

WANTED.

I just wanted them to show up for me, as Clare Crawley says (love her!).

It ain’t hard, folks. My friends shouldn’t have to carry my emotional load because your ass wouldn’t. WOULDN’T. Because you know, I know, we all know, LOVE conquers all. This wasn’t love on their part, baby. All I ever wanted was for that person to show up. And they truly never did. Anna was not gotten to know here.

All I can ask is if this is you, please do some soul searching. Please do not hurt anyone in your learning path. And don’t have regrets. Don’t have “what ifs.” Because I promise, they hurt worse than the actual situation.

Speak your truth as I failed to do. But now, I’m back.

XOXO - A