I Want, Really

What is it that I want? I’m glad you found it significant enough to find out for yourself. I hope you’re not reading this in regret; I hope you paid attention in the moment. Because, honey, I am not one you want to loose.

Ya know what’s funny? Well, not really. What’s funny is this: the moment I’m ready to actually give a f*ck about someone and our relationship and about commitment and about actual love and I’m “left” feeling like I do. So we’re going to address what it is that I actually want:

I want to be chosen.

I want to be special.

I want to feel special.

I want to be loved for not only who I am on the surface level, but on the deeper level that I am; my soul, my heart, my mind, my scars - physical and emotional and spiritual, everything. Everything Anna. News flash: can’t love someone all the way if you don’t get to know them, yes? Or if you don’t give more than a few words back to their paragraph.

I want my needs and wants to be heard without necessarily speaking up, which is cowardly, I know. But still.

Relationships {of any kind} are hard.

I want someone who pays attention. To me. My social media. My lack of social media. My blog. To my stories.

I want someone who asks questions.

You can give someone everything they think they want and everything they say they want on a silver platter, but it may not be you; it’s not that you’re not enough or it wasn’t enough, but timing can be everything as well.

I want someone to choose me. Just not some texts.

Actions speak louder than words.

By the way - blogging can be considered petty, but, my thoughts have to go somewhere. Because some people just aren’t ready today. And that’s okay.

No matter who you are: don’t make promises you can’t keep. Or don’t insinuate things that you can’t keep. I’ve done it; it sucks. That’s why I’ll never ever accept a marriage proposal again until I absolutely 120% mean it. Be honest. Own up.

Think. Think about what you post on social media. Especially with people with anxiety. And people who stalk and act like FBI agents, okay. Don’t post stuff about being single, but you basically promised someone you’re gonna be with them. No, baby. No.

Don’t wonder why somebody’s distant when you’ve handed them the car keys.

I’m sorry if this offends anybody, but I’m tired of holding my voice back in fear.

I’m tired of submitting to fear. But I’m also a little tired. And feeling with worth right now.

It’s hard to love someone who can’t love you back at this moment. It truly is hard when you love someone that much, like almost as much as your Chapter One, and you wonder whether or not it’s going to be you. Because you literally see this future. You’d do all these things for them and they don’t even know. Because they haven’t even asked. Sucks.


Or at least make me feel okay all the time while I’m waiting (5 years later…) see my Spongebob reference?

I want someone to be actually invested in me. Or at least is vocal about it.

I want to be on someone’s mind when they wake up and when they go to sleep.

I want those days of effort that are tiring for them.

The best and the mature thing to do is to just talk to the person. But when you talk and talk and talk and talk, but when it isn’t really reciprocated in the way you want or need, what do you do?

And I get it: needing time. But, for the right person, I can’t keep but think I’d make any exception. And just love.

I want someone to break the “rules” for me.

Because I do fear not being enough I guess you could say.

It’s so hard to love someone so much that it hurts in the best way, but you feel as if you have to hold things back. Hold words back. But the fact is: I can’t hold my heart back.

I don’t want all these freaking questions that I have; there’s no reason for it. That’s not what I deserve. Nor is what anyone deserves.

It is hard putting your almost whole ass heart out there when you don’t get the same in return because they’re not ready. When will they be ready? Will they ever be ready?There’s just a lot of questions. But, that’s okay, I can take care of myself as can my friends and family. And God, most importantly.

It’s like…what’s this actually going to look like? When they’re finally able to give me their heart? Or will I ever get it?

I want someone to want to know what I’ve been through. Who cares enough to ask. To seek. To find. To search. To pry. To demand. Have they gone through my Facebook photos time and time again? Have they watched my videos just to hear their voice? Have they looked into the future with me? Or am I a love sick fool?

I want someone to give me reassurance without me asking for it. Because there’s a damn good reason I’m asking for it. Maybe I need it. And it’s warranted.

Here’s a helpful saying that you and I have heard a lot especially if you’re from the south: “you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” OKAY.

*mic drop

Mmmmmmmmmkay honey. Mmmmmmmmmmkay baby. Say it for the people in the back, Karen.

Sorry for the tea, but y’all love it.

Mwah!

Xoxo -

Anna Banana