My Reality

Good morning on this fabulous Sunday. I want you to envision this moment in this next section if you are currently married or living in sin 🤪 (too soon?) (I am not judging, just making a joke, I support and love you all💗).

You wake up on a Sunday morning. Alone. With a pup on one side and two felines on the other. As you’re reading this, you may think to yourself, “that sounds nice.” Or, “I would never get married again if I got divorced/something happened to my spouse.” Be careful with your words, my friends - you never know.

People look at me all the time, but they do not live my reality. I saw a quote that one of my friends shared on Facebook, “Your biggest supporter is a stranger and the one wanting you to fail the most is closest to you.” Amen. A good friend of mine shared with me that she struggles and gets down in her head. She is one of the strongest women I know. But when we spell strong, we almost spell struggle. I figured that out as I was just typing this. You never know what someone is feeling, what front they’re putting on, what demon is on their back.

Words like “my husband” or “spend time together as a unit” sometimes are like a knife barely dragging at the surface of my heart. I understand you have a family. I understand you have a spouse. I do not understand having a child, but I do understand marriage. I will not apologize for being single nor will I apologize for not being a mother because God does not want that for me yet. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My mom told me last night that maybe I need to invest in more single friends. And she’s right. Maybe my friends that are married are scared to be around me because they’re scared they’ll say something to set me off.

I would say that I’m not going to apologize for the way grief makes me feel which makes me act sometimes in ways of acting out or fits of depression and or anxiety, but I do apologize for taking it out on people. And if they can’t show me a little grace and stick around, then I can show them a little goodbye. Those of you who know me, probably know that I do not believe that mental health is an excuse to act like a bad friend or a bad person. Be accountable. Own up to your sh*t. And this is not an immediate thing. And sometimes we need help. Especially God’s help. 🙏🏻❤️

See - the only person we should ever need is always there: God. But of course, I need my parents, my nana, my best friend Britt and Kayla, Hunter, the list goes on. And you need yourself too. But we should solely rely on Him. God did not design us to be solely alone. Earlier I told you to picture yourself alone, well, you’re not totally alone. Yes, there’s not a male or female laying beside you and that can make you alone. You don’t have a life companion. Or better yet - your life companion was ripped way from you. Talk about some issues. And yes - I do have emotional issues. And yes - I do have emotional problems. And yes - I have baggage. But you put on my shoes and tell me if you could rock this job even better than I do every single day.

I go to bed as the only human and wake up as the only human. I don’t have a spouse at home to order a Togo meal for at the restaurant. Yes - I have “freedom.” But I don’t have that person.

My good friend told me the other day that the hard part is the day to day part of grief. It’s the eating alone at a restaurant because no one will go with you, it’s the knife against your heart hearing the word “husband” and this is my heart problem to fix.

But I’m just letting y’all know a little bit about a 25 year old widow’s reality.

I’m not asking my friends to hold back about their relationships, I’m not asking them to not talk to me period. I’m asking them to think. To think about me. To think about what if it were them. Truly, no one understands me when it comes to this. And that is one of the loneliest things in my life.

As the current Bachelorette says, “be vigilant.” Be mindful. People are selfish, we are all selfish. I’m selfish.

I told my mom last night that people make me want to become an introvert. She totally agreed with me - she even said, “Duh!” People are not perfect. At all. I can hardly stand to look at social media anymore. My mental health is SO much better when I don’t have my social media all the time.

I know that people look to me and are thankful that don’t have that part of my life. And I’m thankful that you don’t either. I wish I needed to spend time as a family unit. Or wish I could bring food to my spouse after a night with the ladies. Or have an anniversary to post about.

As a widow, it is often hard to be happy for people. And I guess that makes people distance theirselves from me. I’ve never been normal. And I’m sure as hell not normal after the tragic death of my husband. I’ve kinda always been an outsider other than at dance, or at least felt like an outsider. I’ve always had this insecurity that I won’t have any friends or I guess, won’t be liked. Like “This is Me,” no one wants your broken parts, the deep deep webs of our true of hearts.

People who I allowed into my close circle in my head have been moved into a further circle away from my heart. And they probably don’t even realize it.

So if my honesty is too much - I’m not sorry (Demi Lovato reference). I won’t apologize for who I am (Selena Gomez reference).

Remember - people are ignorant. And about some things, they need to be thankful they’re ignorant.

Thank God you do not live my reality.

xoxo - A