Your Nightmare
Tonight, driving home from a wonderful night of music, food, drinks, and my awesome and amazing soul sisters, I realized something:
I am living your nightmare.
I am a widow. I am a young widow. Who’s forever partner was taken away. My white picket fence dream is now a party of one. Yes, I have my precious companion, Violet Belle, and my sons Small and Mardi. Yes, I have God. Yes, I have my family. Yes, I have my friends. And yes I’m thankful for each and every one of them. Even though you know you’re not alone, I feel I’m by myself fighting the battles that I don’t let a lot of people see. Do those people know that I cried basically the whole ride home that night? Over someone who doesn’t even love me back (that’s another story and a whole ‘nother heartbreak) No. Do the friends that I wanted to text and just vent about it - do they know? Not all of them do. I pictured one of my best friends, Chelsea, with tears in her eyes as she watches me in all of this sorrow. Jesus wept. My friends wept. My family wept. I wept. We all wept. But not one damn person lost their forever spouse but me.
This journey has allowed me to see what it’s like to do it all by myself mostly. I’ve changed big time. And in a lot of good and positive ways. I’m thankful for the tribulations. I’m thankful for the growth. But I get so sick and tired of doing it on my own. Yes, I have God. Yes, that’s enough. But I miss having my person. Where the heck is my person? COME ON.
It’s hard for me to look at couples with all these chilt-rens running around to be happy for them. Because why can’t I have that right now? Matt and I would’ve already had one kid at least by now. But kinda can’t have a kid with your dead husband. 🤷🏼♀️
The distractions aren’t even working completely. Phew.
The darkness comes. Hello darkness, my old friend. See what I did there?
Please, please hug your spouse. Kiss them. Love them. Do all the things. Be spontaneous. Do what you want. Prepare for the future, but live each day like it’s your last. Don’t go to bed angry. I am so thankful that Matt and I were not fighting or anything like that when he died.
My heartache is unlike a lot of other peoples’ in my life. Let’s just be real. I am not single and 25. I am not 25 and unwed, technically. I’m the 25 year old that lost her husband tragically when she was 23. And is now the person a lot of people look to. Under pressure…another song reference.
In my own heart, yes, I, without trying, try not to miss Matt. Because in my mind, there’s no point. I can’t drive to the trooper academy; he’s not there. I can’t meet him at the Mexican restaurant in Brownsville, TN because he won’t be there. He can’t meet me. He would if he were here, but he’s not. At least in the physical form. I wasn’t sure if he could see things that were going on because in heaven, isn’t any suffering.
One morning, I was crying and literally almost feeling helpless. Over some idiot that I gave the world to and they didn’t want it. “Battleships” by Daughtry came on. Another story another time, but that song is special to Matt and I. I felt as if Matt was telling me that it was going to be okay, to have hope. And that is something Matt would tell me to do.
I remember boxing up some of his clothes for his family and I felt his presence there.
I think our loved ones can look down and see without suffering. Because they have that perfect eternal vision. We have it too, but we are still on earth. We are still tempted, we still have flesh, you know, all the works.
For me, hug your husbands, wives, partners. Friends. Everyone. For me.
Do it for me.
Say what you want to say (insert that John Mayer song), say what you feel. You can’t ever get that time back.
Eat the dessert, do the damn thing, as Becca Kufrin (Bachelorette) says.
LIVE. Laugh. LOVE. That is one of my favorite quotes.
Thanks for reading, my loves.
xx Love,
Anna