I Can Feel Your Pain

PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. The following blog could be triggering. And PLEASE reach out to someone, to me, if you feel even a sliver of a trigger.

“Here are the results of your individual personality test.”

I read:

Communication

Strategic

Woo

Empath

Includer

I thought, “LOL, I’m not an empath.” Kinda the same way I thought I wasn’t gay… another blog.

My dear friend explained it to me. I said, “Oh, I can see that.”

There are different types of empathy.

I asked my dear friend Hunter. He said, “Well, duh. I’ve always known that ever since I met you (eleven years ago).”

So, me being me, obsessive, I Googled it. And it made more sense.

I believe that being an empath is a superpower, truly. I am also intuitive. I can sense things in the present and in the future. It’s actually really cool. And exhausting. And depressing.

Fast forward to Lori and Franks’ birthday dinner in October: I was sitting next to Hunter and he got really really upset. He went to the bathroom and when he got back to the table, I held his hand.

I could literally feel his pain. And it was so cool.

I was so excited that I felt someone else’s emotions for the first time (that I realized). I told Lori as soon as we got outside.

I bought an amethyst, well two, to protect me; I Googled stones that help empaths, I chose amethyst.

And I started to embrace it.

What’s super cool is when my people come to me and ask what my gut says about their certain people. I haven’t always had the “right” judgment in the past, but I’m learning to trust myself, my heart, my mind, and my gut.

A lot of the battle is accepting yourself, trusting God with your path and control, having and keeping faith, trusting in yourself and others, no matter what other people think. I very much so struggle.

That is a big one for me! What people think. My best friend Rick tells me all the time, to push me, he says, “You look confident and come off as confident, but you’re one of the most insecure people I’ve ever met.” Bingo!

My old friend told me once, “I wish I could not care what people think like you.” Ha, me too! But for real, I do care. Too much about everything (the bigger picture is I care a lot about people and their loyalty). My actions may not show that because I dye my hair crazy colors, I have a reality star tattooed on my arm and lie about it, but in reality, I hate that question. Because I’m ashamed that I did that. But, the meaning behind it is a reminder of how to treat people, like Lea does. Why am I ashamed? Because it comes off as “crazy.” Or “stupid.” Or a, “why did you do that?”

I am an extremely loyal person; I think I get that from my dad the most. When I don’t get that in return from the ones that are priorities to Anna, the panic mode comes on. Why? #1 people suck, #2 go read my Best Friends blog, you’ll understand. Abandonment issues? Oui.

A lot of people like to point their corrupt fingers and say, “gay people are going to hell,” when they don’t know anything about God. Or Jesus even. That is one of my life missions: show Who God really is. When I was 17 fixing to turn 18, Christians made me feel like God didn’t love me. And I am known for my faith.

When I was in the closet, and I knew the truth, God was one of the only places that made me feel safe, accepted, loved, and like I am used and am going to be used. You’re reading this, aren’t you?

I remember a classmate of mine in class talking about how God didn’t love her because she’s gay. I got so angry. Because that is not Who God is. Do y’all even research what the Bible said about it? Homosexuality does not translate to what y’all think either.

Why are gay people more loving than Christians? Interesting. Why are the people who are tattooed more compassionate than the skirts? Why is the bar more welcoming than the alter?

Because God is not just in these church “families.”

I could write a whole book on this, y’all. I just might. 😉

Quit putting God in a box. Those people or that church that hurt you, that’s not God. God is on YOUR side. To think that we are the example of God to people who do not have faith in Him… Lordt.

Can you tell I like to write about my God?

Because I SHOULD be sure of who I am. And proud of it. I should be able to say, “F*ck you!” I should be able to be proud, no matter what. “This is ME.” That song is dear to Hunter’s heart and anything dear to him is dear to me. Best friends that are both empaths. And my girlfriend is an empath too! I can’t be all “tough” and hide feelings from her for too long. 😉😘

Being an empath is kinda like feeling like your friend is struggling and you text them and they in fact, are. You just know.

Just having a feeling.

I should be proud that I have a heart that I love, that I love without any bounds. To those people who have given up on me: is their loss that they did not love me. The right people will for the right reasons. What a shock! If they wanted to, they would’ve done so. It is worth it to wait on your people. No matter how miserable life is.

Were those Christian hating on the skater boy with him when he was cutting himself? No. Was God? Yes.

Were those people with you when you were bawling like a f*cking baby? No. They were shopping for skirts.

So heartless, some Christians. Where is the love?

Have y’all gotten to know people? Or have ya jus been judgin’?

God is a Savior. How you going to be like Him and share Him if you judgin’? Make it make sense.

GOD IS LOVE.

God is ABLE. Trust HIM to take care of your sh*t. He gets mad every time you don’t. Think about that one. If someone gets mad because you didn’t come to them or confide, that means they lurve you.

He wants you however you come. As should your people.

And love yourself too, damn. I’m calling the kettle black, but… y’all read my stuff for a reason.

Be more like God. Not like yourself.

Thank you,

ANNA