Three Years
I originally was not going to write about Matt’s three-year anniversary of death on May 6th because I just felt lost. But the words have now found me.
I shared a memory from Facebook from three years ago from the last Colonel of the Tennessee Highway Patrol. He wrote about the fact that we may never have an answer as to why tragedy happens. The words he wrote that day were the words we all needed to read, like they were from God Himself.
I’ve been mad. I’ve experienced all of the stages of grief. And let me tell you, grief is a weird thing. It’ll hit you out of nowhere, but it’ll never overwhelm you. Your brain will never allow it to completely drown you. It will never all come crashing down. A few months into being a widow, I found this jacket that said, “You never know how strong you are until you have to find out.” I found out that I am a strong b*tch.
A good friend once told me that being a widow does not define me; it is only a fact. And that is so true. It does not define who Anna is. That is not Anna’s truth. That is just something about Anna.
We must remember to put away that victim card and pull out our survivor card because that’s what we are.
I would never wish this upon anyone, not even an enemy.
I have questioned, “Why did I have to go through this?” I would rather me have gone through it than somebody else.
In 2020, I wrote a series of blogs named, “The Day I Lost My Husband,” and there are three parts. They were hard to write. In time, I will have a book published about the day that changed me forever and what helped shape me into the woman God meant me to be.
I feared that something would happen to him. I had fear in my heart. I thought about it often. And I would just cry. I thought I would not be able to function. And let me tell you, there has not been one moment where I have not been able to function and that is because the man upstairs has held me in His hand just like He promises.
There were foreshadowing clues leading up to his death, but I didn’t catch them. If I did, I would’ve either been in the car with him preventing it or I would’ve hidden his keys or something; I would’ve stopped it. Matt did not deserve for his life to be cut short. I did not deserve to become a widow at 23 years old. I was 17 when I met him. Sometimes, I look back at that girl and I feel sorry for her because of what I know now. But I wouldn’t change it. I got to love Matt for his forever, and I am honored. I am honored that he was my first love, my high school sweetheart, an instrumental part of my faith, and a true example of Jesus. Matt truly did display the fruits of the Spirit. He was forgiving, caring, a friend to everyone, he loved with his whole heart, he tried his best to stay positive, he made everyone laugh and smile even if he was hurting, he was one of the most hardworking people I have ever known, and he truly loved me fearlessly.
Matt taught me how to love because of the way he loved me. He taught me how to be fearless through just being himself.
He will always be a part of me, and I will always love him, he will always be my first love. But I have to let go. And that’s okay.
Because of loosing him, I was forced to see love a different way and to love a different way. It has taken three years and a lot of heartache and disappointments to get here, but I am finally happy. I have finally found true love again and I have found myself. I have discovered things about myself. And it’s about damn time that I “to thine own self be true.” That is a quote by the lovely Shakespeare that I love but have struggled to follow.
I have learned so many things through this.
And let me tell you, God’s timing is perfect. And I have been SO frustrated at Him. And mad. And distant. And that’s okay.
Life really is short. And is priceless. Don’t spend it not taking risks and not dancing. Don’t spend it in fear, spend it in faith. God does not give us the answers we always want, but He is always here. Being a Christian is NOT easy. Sometimes, God makes it hard to trust Him. I have been there. But then I have seen what He was doing. Having a relationship with God is NOT all butterflies and rainbows. At all. How would my tragedy help someone believe or want Him to be their Savior? Why would I keep my faith after God took my husband away? Because I do not have a choice other than to believe.
A