26

My 25th birthday, last year, 2021, was my golden birthday. I always wanted to do something big and magical on my golden birthday. After all, I was going to be 25 on the 25th.

Instead, the love of my life forgot my birthday and was not with me on my birthday. Happened this year, too. But the last lover told me happy birthday this year though.

My big plans in the big city got cancelled because of inclement weather. I have a trip planned this weekend with two of my precious friends.

For example, yesterday, I took a message wrong from a dear friend. I hurt them because of my brain. But because she loves me, she forgave me and showed me grace. She chose to love me. That concept is so hard for some people.

There are patterns crossed in my mind I have to uncross. I have to have healthy self talks. All because I allowed the bullsh*t from people who had bad intentions whether they were deliberate or not and all because I allowed it. I allowed them to make me feel that way. That doesn’t scream self worth.

My 25th was absolutely awful other than the loved ones I spent it with. I didn’t feel very loved or special. I didn’t feel chosen. That was partly because I didn’t choose myself.

Any pain that other people cause you, you also caused. Unless you have this mindset, you will play the victim card. My last disappointment opened my eyes to that.

I told Deborah one morning, after we discussed that my birthday was eleven days away, that I was glad that this month was better than my 25th year.

For the first time, I felt chosen. I felt loved unconditionally. I felt like life was back on track for me. I had found a woman I thought would stick with me and with us through thick and thin, like she promised me and I promised her. Turns out her choice of peanut butter is different than my choice. As my bestie always says, “People make choices everyday.” She chose to leave and I chose to stay. And I never broke my word. And for that alone, I am extremely proud and it makes me hold my head up higher.

Year 25 has been the hardest year of my life. From immense heartbreak after finding love again after my husband, to forever grief, to discovering my sexuality, to coming out, to losing my oldest cat, Small Cat, to drastic changes in my appearance, to allowing things I didn’t deserve, being a survivor (and also a victim) of emotional abuse, to allowing the change of the view of how relationships are/should be, to the decline and absence of my self esteem and confidence, self respect, and self love, and self worth, 25 was hard.

I also received a lot of blessings in the year 25. I created a new blog, I have gained new readers, THANK YOU. I gained my precious kitten, Storm. I got to teach dance and be in a big time competition for a great cause. I’ve served on two boards. I took on a lot at work, even dropped out of a masters program for it. I developed ideas for my future books. I gained a best friend and got closer to older ones. I thought I met my Chapter Three; they were the initial reason this month was the BEST month so far of 25, well, that “bliss” ended because we are no longer a unit, no longer an “us.” I took my rose colored glasses off and finally accepted what my gut had been telling me, why I wasn’t myself some of the time I was with her, why I was anxious and insecure.

I thought I had FINALLY found her. But I lost her. And she lost me. And I can dwell on what happened and I can be angry with her, but it truly is not worth it when someone just doesn’t have faith in you. I do not have time for that ignorance. In the beginning, she reminded me of my worth. And that it is also in God. But in the end, she forgot my worth.

I realized that afterwards, I was okay. I was good, even. And for me, that’s huge.

I think it’s funny the big bad wolf wished me a happy birthday and she didn’t. A smile and a chuckle. Ya know, narcissists tend to point everything to the other person. Last time I checked, that was a form of manipulation. I don’t have any emotional intelligence apparently, according to their actions, and am not worth it. But, in the beginning, I was so intelligent to them. Interesting. SO MUCH LOVE to just be thrown away. Also interesting.

I do hope for her clarity and for her ability to have grace and understanding and patience. I hope for her to develop the skills she claims to have and have had for me. Something just doesn’t sit right and isn’t right.

I shouldn’t just be the one feeling sick looking at their recent profile picture, they should be too. I shouldn’t be just the one that’s filled with pain, they should be too. The whole thing makes me honestly bothers me and makes me sick at times. Where is their care? In the trash they left me in.

I am angry, I am bitter. I am hurt, and I am sick over it. And that’s okay.

I feel like I’ve lived longer than 26 years, like I’ve suffered more pain, that I’ve lived a whole lifetime in these years of mine on earth. I’ve seen a lot of death, disappointment, criticism, tribulations, heartache, loss in every way almost possible. Dreams lost, dreams gained. Weight gained, weight lost. Definitely have gained tattoos. Friends lost. Family lost. Friends gained. Family gained. Scars gained, never scars lost.

I want to address that I am my favorite woman and I will say that until I believe it. My female hero is my mom. She is the strongest gal I’ve ever met; I know where I get it from. She will forever be my truest friend, I love you so much, mommy. 💕

I am a strong b*tch. I am beautiful. I am talented, gifted. I am powerful. And I am meant to be used by God. I WILL make a difference and my voice WILL be heard.

This year, I DID celebrate myself without her. I will celebrate that I made it though this year of absolute emotional hell. I will celebrate that I am an inspiration to others and am a strength symbol. And as my girl JoJo says, “You should never be afraid to be yourself.” I need to truly feel that in my life because I do struggle, very much so.

A lot of people think I am intimidating, that I’m confident. I am, to a point, as my therapist says. As well as I am with trusting others, there’s a huge wall between deep and surface. It may seem like I trust peeps easily, but I do not, friends.

I have hope for 26. I was blessed by the efforts and the love from the Anna Tribe and was surrounded by friends and family this birthday and I had great celebrations of me and of my day this year. All I want is to just be loved and to be surrounded by loved ones who genuinely give a damn, who love me truly, and who hold my hand during the valley. The ones that actually matter and who actually deserve Anna’s headspace.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been angry, upset at God. I think, “Why did I pray for Matt’s safety and health? Why did I walk in faith when our marriage was rocky and You saved it for him just to die?” Fast forward to 2021. Why did I get the SHIT end of the stick when I only had good intentions? When I finally loved healthily? When I gave the benefit of the doubt and gave grace freely?

There is a lot to be thankful for, including God. But He understands why I might not understand or why I might be a little mad.

I am starting to feel better. I’m ready to put in the work. To her who I thought loved me and then left while breaking her word, thank you.

You would think my recent breakup and disappointment would’ve crushed me or would’ve chipped at my self-esteem a little more, but it didn’t. If anything, it was a confidence booster and that is so odd. But I’m here for it, I needed it. I needed the benefit of the doubt, but got the short end of the stick. That’s okay. Eventually, when the fumes ware down, they’ll be filled with regret. Toss me out like trash once and lose faith in me, that’s on you. The broken promises, that’s on you, baby.

I ate the cake(s). I skipped the gym. I slept in.

For the first time in a while, I’m starting to feel comfortable with my life and how I am. I am starting to see my worth after being shown that the ones I have loved most did not see it. Do you know how good that feels?

For the first time, I’m not asking others for affirmation of my worth. I am finding it within. That growth right there is tremendous. Me not having that caused the fast ending to my “forever” “relationship.” That’s okay, I’ll find someone that will love me through the hills and through the valleys.

I hope they learn what love means before they tell someone else.

I am very excited to see 26 and I am blessed. God has given me several gifts and it is time I stop not using all of them. Maybe, in this year, I’ll get my books written. 😜

Cheers to 26, thank you for choosing me, 🥂

A