Paradox

The word paradox was found one morning when I Googled another word for reverse psychology.

According to Google, the definition of paradox contains descriptions of certain contradictions.

How can one deserve and expect to be loved fearlessly if they do not love their “person” fearlessly? OR how can they expect insecurities from another lover to not be projected when they project their own sh*t on others too? They claimed they would marry the other. I guess that applies to the cupcake phase. “My person” only applies when the peanut butter is smooth.

I’ve got some things to say and I am feeling the after effects of manipulation. And I’m here to talk about it. We are about to dive into my feelings right here and right now. My feelings deserve to be heard and they sure as hell were not heard in this situation-ship. I don’t even want to call this a relationship because my partner did not meet the expectations that they placed on themselves and made me trust in. They let me down.

Actions do speaker louder than words. And when the peanut butter shows chunks, true colors come to the surface.

I thought I had finally found them. I thought I had finally found my missing puzzle piece, my person. I never expected them to walk when things got tough, when intentions were misunderstood, and their feelings were hurt and emotions were triggered accidentally. Forgiveness turned into ice and “I love you” turned into “love you.”

The quick and flaming love that I had for them, the love I had previously, the one that destroyed me, broke me down, that previous love didn’t even compare to them. I remember saying to them with tears rolling down my face, “And I thought I loved her.” I even put a promise ring on that finger.

I thought they were my Chapter Three and my final chapter. I thought they loved me unconditionally. But, our definitions of unconditional love are very different. They truly need to Google it. Love entails more than a commitment and a feeling; there is grace, hope, forgiveness, loyalty.

A relationship with me, choosing me just wasn’t enough, I was not worth forgiveness, an opportunity to really speak, or another chance to prove I wasn’t who they painted me to be.

Even though it didn’t seem like I trusted them, I did. And I trusted they wouldn’t leave because they promised they wouldn’t. In the end, I was not trusted. In their mind, I was the enemy instead of the ally, which, they asked me not to think that way of them.

I deserve to be fought for just like they said they would do for me, for us, and now, there is just me and there is just them.

I apologized for things that they could’ve gaslighted me into thinking I did. I bet they didn’t have the intention of gaslighting, did they? Gaslighting is a strong word and I was accused of it. If you know me, like at all, you know I am a huge advocate for mental health and for awareness of emotional abuse. I would never NEVER emotionally abuse someone on purpose. I fell short because of my own sh*t, my words and their meanings and intentions were misconstrued and misinterpreted.

Where did I matter in this? Where was I important? Where was my mental health considered? Or at least made visible? Where was the recognization of my feelings? My thoughts? My perceptions? The validation of the “love” they had for me? Love is NOT what they have shown me, another thing I was accused of. I guess me thinking of myself is considered selfish. And I’m also considered the b*tch that needed to be broken up with.

I told one of my best friends that I was more disappointed in this person than I was the situation with my last lover. That is definitely saying something.

I projected my insecurities onto them about my other lover, but in reality, this whole thing opened my eyes. The other lover turned out to be the one who loved me at the end of the day and we are friends now which, honestly, is a relief. And to be honest, they ended up to be the one that saved me as well as another old flame. It opened my eyes to see that I was playing the victim card way too much instead of acting like the survivor I am who speaks for what she wants and for what’s right, herself, and her feelings. It made me realize that I was blowing what happened to me slightly out of proportion and not seeing the other lover’s point of view.

I asked my ex questions about what I was accused of. She definitely denied them and told me I wasn’t broken. That meant the world to me. The way that makes me feel seen and worth it is truly wonderful. She also said that my ex was playing with my head. How about them apples?

Just because they don’t want you doesn’t mean you’re not worthy. Just because they don’t want a relationship does not mean they do not care. But if you have to question their intentions at all, they don’t want a serious relationship. “If they wanted to, they would.”

This has been one of the most disappointing moments of my life. I am very disappointed in the person I thought was my “it.”

I thought they’d hold my hand through anything. I thought they were Team Anna.

I was dumped because I have pity parties for myself and my hurt, because I’m broken, because I’m not healed from the last. Let me say this for the people in the back:

You are never healed from emotional abuse. That demon stays forever.

We were supposed to fight our demons together. My demons became their demons, they claimed. Now, they’ve made me into a demon of their own. I am the villain in their story, and that’s okay, and they can have a pity party with my name as the subject.

I am NOT who they think I am and I did NOT do what I am accused of.

One of my hopes for them is that they find clarity. And I hope they see that I am not the huge letdown and b*tch that they think. I’m very thankful for the clarity I received from my previous relationships and now they’re both in my life.

Because I was mentally worn down myself and I was anxious myself, and I didn’t pick up on how bad things were with them mentally, and I projected an insecurity, I was dumped. I was mentally prepared to stand by them through fire, to walk with them through fire. Now, I have to go through the days alone again just like they said I wouldn’t have to do.

They have every right to their feelings and their reactions, their triggers, everything, anything. But as they asked of me, they should’ve had grace, understanding, patience, LOVE, trust, loyalty, compromise, and would’ve offered any actual opportunity to discuss things and to be okay. At the end of the day, I was supposed to have them over everyone else. They were supposed to be my best friend. They were supposed to be someone I could trust. Now, they are one of my biggest disappointments. And I am not sorry for that. I deserved and deserve better and I deserved and deserve to be loved fearlessly and actually be chosen, not this conditional sh*t.

I deserve to be loved through my mistakes. Not be thrown away. I simply do not have time for that ignorance.

They talk about, “I gave all of myself to you. I never do that.” Well, that sounds like a personal problem. What about what I gave them? I gave them my trust and that is hard to come by. But just like the present I gave them, I can take that sh*t back. I said forever and always, always and forever to them. That is HUGE. And they knew that. And they still left. They were not worthy of that. I can’t take back those words. I have said that to three people that I have been romantically inclined with. One being my late husband. The second being my Chapter Two. I opened MY heart up for this? To not deserve a second chance? When I’m always giving people second and third and fourth chances?

I should’ve given them the un-sugarcoated Anna. I think that is part of the issue is that I truly didn’t stand up for myself. And I wish that I had. I apologized for things I didn’t do. And I shouldn’t have. I apologized because I could see how they could’ve taken it that way. But I didn’t do it with that intention. That day, before the break of our relationship hit, I should’ve opened my eyes and seen they were really struggling. I have my issues to thank for that. I am so used to no emotional response that a normal emotional response is foreign. I just needed some patience through learning and through time. But that couldn’t be done. And I can’t tell you how bad that hurts me-that I wasn’t worth it and that they didn’t trust themselves enough to reassure themselves of who Anna really is.

I didn’t have them to hold my hand. I stayed. And I would’ve stayed, I would’ve stayed loyal. I would’ve fought off their demons. I wanted to take their demons as my own. I would’ve given anything to take their pain away and claim it as my own. And I trusted that they were going to be loyal and not just leave. But I was wrong.

I have one of the biggest and best hearts I’ve ever known. And I am treated like the bronze metal instead of the gold medal. And I allow it.

I took accountability for my actions. And was accountable for things I didn’t do. And for things that I looked guilty of. I’m entitled to my reaction, too. And also my feelings, too. They should’ve cared how I felt and how I was doing. In the closing, became very 99% and 1%. They were so used to their feelings not mattering that they assumed I was them. As I assumed they were like my last love. How about that paradox?

The basic definition of gaslighting is this: “manipulating/making someone feel like something is their fault when it is not.” So in reality, gaslighting can be anything and anything can be gaslighting. So, when it becomes habit, it is gaslighting. But, there was no room for grace or at the end of this. If they really did love me and see me for who I am, they wouldn’t have left. They would’ve wished me a happy birthday.

I wrote this for my “26” blog:

My 25th birthday, last year, 2021, was my golden birthday. I always wanted to do something big and magical on my golden birthday. After all, I was going to be 25 on the 25th.

Instead, the love of my life forgot my birthday and was not with me on my birthday.

My big plans in the big city got cancelled because of inclement weather.

My 25th was absolutely awful other than the loved ones I spent it with. I didn’t feel very loved or special. I didn’t feel chosen.

I told Deborah one morning, after we discussed that my birthday was eleven days away, that I was glad that this month was better than my 25th year.

For the first time, I felt chosen. I felt loved unconditionally. I felt like life was back on track for me. I had found a woman that would stick through thick and thin. Turns out her choice of peanut butter is different than my choice.

Year 25 has been the hardest year of my life. From immense heartbreak after finding love again after my husband, to forever grief, to discovering my sexuality, to coming out, to losing my oldest cat, Small Cat, to drastic changes in my appearance, to allowing things I didn’t deserve, being a survivor (and also a victim) of emotional abuse, to allowing the change of the view of how relationships are/should be, to the decline and absence of my self esteem and confidence, self respect, and self love, and self worth, 25 was hard.

I also received a lot of blessings in the year 25. I created a new blog, I have gained new readers and more page views, THANK YOU. I gained my precious kitten, Storm. I got to teach dance and be in a big time competition for a great cause. I’ve served on two boards. I took on a lot at work, even dropped out of a masters program for it. I developed ideas for my future books. I gained a best friend and got closer to older ones. I met my Chapter Three; she was the reason this month was the BEST month so far of 25, well, not right now because we are no longer a unit, because I FINALLY found her. And I lost her. And she lost me. She reminded me of my worth. And that it is also in God.

There is a lot to be thankful for, including God. But He understands why I might not understand or why I might be a little mad.

I feel like I’ve lived longer than 26 years, like I’ve suffered more pain, that I’ve lived a whole lifetime in these years of mine on earth. I’ve seen a lot of death, disappointment, criticism, tribulations, heartache, loss in every way almost possible. Dreams lost, dreams gained. Weight gained, weight lost. Definitely have gained tattoos.

I want to address that I am my favorite woman and I will say that until I believe it. My female hero is my mom. She is the strongest gal I’ve ever met; I know where I get it from. She will forever be my truest friend, I love you so much, mommy. 💕

I am a strong b*tch. I am beautiful. I am talented, gifted. I am powerful. And I meant to be used by God. I WILL make a difference and my voice WILL be heard.

This year, I WILL celebrate myself. I will celebrate that I made it though this year of absolute emotional hell. I will celebrate that I am an inspiration to others and am a strength symbol. And as my girl JoJo says, “You should never be afraid to be yourself.” I need to truly feel that in my life because I do struggle, very much so.

A lot of people think I am intimidating, that I’m confident. I am, to a point, as my therapist says. As well as I am with trusting others, there’s a huge wall between deep and surface. It may seem like I trust peeps easily, but I do not, friends.

I have hope for 26. I am really hoping for great celebrations of my day this year. I just want to be surrounded by loved ones who genuinely give a damn, who love my truly, and who hold my hand during the valley,

I’ll be honest, I’ve been angry, upset at God. I think, “Why did I pray for Matt’s safety and health? Why did I walk in faith when our marriage was rocky and You saved it for him just to die?” Fast forward to 2021. Why did I get the SHIT end of the stick when I only had good intentions? When I finally loved healthily?

I am ready to feel better.

What I read there is a girl having a pity party, a girl playing the victim instead of the survivor, using a crutch, a girl who thought she had found her person, a girl who thought she was finally chosen and that she was finally going to be loved.

Now, instead of them sitting at my birthday dinner(s) with me as the answered prayer and the result of God’s plan and all of the things that led up to them, they no longer have a seat at my table. And I didn’t want that. But they threw me out like trash. I did not want to ever be without them. They told me that I’d never have to be alone again and that I wouldn’t have to live another day without them. Sike. Those words meant so much to me and it makes me sick I believed those words.

I may not have a partner to hold my hand through the chunky and smooth peanut butter, but I sure as hell do have people who do love me and who deserve to see Anna no matter what that looks like. I deserve to be taken as I come, correct? That’s another broken promise from them.

In a way, I feel bad for them. I wonder what they think marriage is supposed to be like? Or what are they going to do when their best friend does something accidentally to hurt them? Just give up? That doesn’t sound fearless to me. Perfect love only exists in God himself. You will never have that in ANY relationship on earth. Until you learn that, you will not be ready to love or accept love, my dear.

I do not just say, “I love you.” That has a lot of meaning and it should to everyone. I wish they wouldn’t have said to me unless they were ready. They accused me of not being ready. If anyone is ready for a true, unconditional love, it’s me. My one that did love me that way, I buried three years ago. If anyone’s ready, it’s me. And if given the opportunity, I would’ve proven it.

What they should’ve done is show up at my house with flowers and we would’ve kissed in the rain (Zolita’s “Single in September” reference) instead of this cowardly instant messaging. I guess that’s all I was worth and all this was worth. I expected more from them, I expected different. The ring broke when heat was added, it did not come together. So unfortunate. It’s amazing what hurt and trauma can do. It can make an angel look like a demon.

I did make efforts. I poured my heart, too.

The truth is, I did need them as well as I wanted them. But now that they’re gone, by their choice, surprisingly, it has increased my view of my worth.

Another statement I do not say lightly is, “you’re my best friend.” There are reasons that means so much to me. And I’d still take the bullet for her, the reason that word means so much to me. I do not appreciate when that title is used lightly in my life. One is not the love of your life, your best friend, your missing puzzle piece, your lover, your person, when they can just walk away from that “great” love.

I am very surprised at how I’ve handled this situation and this heartache for this most part. I have been angry, mad, sad, depressed, but not once broken.

I remember reading their words and their accusations. The words their friends had about me. I was taken back, shook, if you will, angry, mad, heartbroken, extremely hurt, broken down. I had my best friend on the line as I just wept. And I mean wept. All for what? To not be forgiven?

As much as I want them to show up at my house or to run into them at a local store or for them to text or call me, I know they won’t do it. They are so caught up in the fact that what I did resembled what they’ve been through that they can’t see the truth. Read that again.

The only thing that helps that is time and unfortunately, some growing pains.

As much as I did not want to lose them, like at all, I’m okay. And I’m okay with being by myself. I am surrounded by people who love me truly and this taught me to really open my eyes to that. They will show you who they are.

I want to take a moment to thank this situation and to thank my ex for giving me the shocking confidence boost that I needed. It truly is their loss because one day they’ll realize that they knew exactly who I was and they’ll be devastated that they threw the real Anna away.

Cheers, always and forever, … forever and always,

A