Her

I remember writing this. And I’d like to share it with you.

My first female encounter was friendly. It was kind. And it was sweet. But it wasn’t meant to be. She was the first female I had ever felt that way for and it was an awakening.

My second one, a friend of a while, broke my soul. Our saga was gut-wrenching, truly. I lost weight from the stress. I lost self love, respect for myself, confidence, knowledge of my worth. A lot of good times were shared, a lot of laughs, a lot of worthwhile moments, lots of The Cheesecake Factory. But it wasn’t meant to be.

My first actual girlfriend took me by surprise one afternoon after a whim on social media. It seemed to be the perfect match until the chocolate got stale. She was gone faster than the Tennessee weather changes. And I’m glad. But I ended up on the bathroom floor weeping to my best friend on the line with my best friend.

And then I met HER. I remember driving to Nashville for a weekend with friends. I didn’t know one of the greatest desires of my heart was about to be given to me and that God was going to answer my prayer and my plea.

I decided to get back on a dating outlet again just to see, but I didn’t really have expectations of a wife.

I believe I was sitting in my room at the Air BnB and I matched with this girl. So I sent her a message. I kept checking my phone to see if she had messaged me back yet because I really wanted to talk to her.

She makes remember who I was. The girl whose skin turned tanner in the summer. The girl that just wants to be a mermaid, who just wants to be herself. She makes me realize how much I have not appreciated nature and being outside, something I used to love to do.

As I baked in the sun one day, I watched her do what she loves. I sat there with our dogs. And I just admired her. She just doesn’t see it. She doesn’t see her beauty and she doesn’t see her worth. But I’m going to remind her every damn day because that is my privilege and honor.

I see now what God was doing. Everything led me to HER. And it is meant to be. 😘

She is one of the most amazing women I know and have met. I look at her and am just so thankful that I get to love her and that she loves me. She is so beautiful. And she doesn’t even see it.

For once, I don’t fear her leaving me because it’s real. We click. And have since day one. We are now an us. And we are inseparable. I cannot see my life without her. I have found my happy ending, I finally found her. We are magnets in the best way. She is my best friend, and honestly, she saved me. She gave me hope. We have true love. This woman is my wife; I will marry her one day.

All of the tears shed before her were worth it. All of the heartache over the wrong ones - I’m glad I had it. God was preparing me for her, to love her, to love me. The ones before her - those connections do not even touch what we have.

It’s crazy how we had never met until now. It feels like we’ve known each other forever. She is so beautiful. Her teeth are perfect, even though she’ll argue with me. Her eyes change to different hues of blue and they are all gorgeous. Her hair looks like hair that a mermaid would have. She has the most beautiful skin, especially her face. She has the best smile and the best laugh. She’s quirky. She’s very intelligent and is constantly furthering her learning. She can figure out just about anything.

It feels like forever that I’ve shared my heart with you guys. And honestly, I’ve thought about shutting this entire thing down. I just want to recluse and go off the grid.

I started writing this on May 16th, 2022 but I never finished it. Where the paragraphs end up above are where it stops, where I left off.

I remember picking up my ring I got sized at a local jewelry store about a month ago. I still have the voicemail on my phone about a ring I inquired about. I basically had the ring picked out. It was a silver band with negative space with blue sapphires and swirls. I could’ve gotten it ordered, I thought about it.

I truly do not know what to say and I feel I cannot be honest with my readers because I fear I cannot do anything right.

Tonight, I drove home bawling. I texted a friend and said, “You don’t know how much I need a hug from you right now.” She said, “I love you.” That’s all I needed at that moment.

I am so tired of crying.

I am so tired of not being chosen.

Or chased after.

Or having the magnitude of love I give returned to me. The only person who has loved me at the same magnitude is dead. Every time I have tried, I feel I’ve ever only gotten unrequited love and loyalty. I am so tired of the ignorance in the “love is perfect” mindset. NO - love is patient and love is kind. Love is unconditional. You can’t just throw away love.

I’m just so tired.

When I feel bad, I think about the fact that I am their best friend. I am their teacher. I am their mom. A child of God. I cling to Him, y’all. I’m talking I clinch to this Man. The fact that I am needed holds my glue together a little more. The fact that Mardi sleeps with me every night gives me something to hold onto. My best friends… they are holding my hand through daily life. God is holding my hand through this and sometimes Him and my friends and family are the only reasons I’m still standing. When I feel bad, I think of Matt, how he loved me unconditionally, no matter what. And how I know he’d be proud of me.

I’ve got to fix my crown.

Thank you for reading.

This is farewell for now; I don’t know the next time I’ll be back, but I’ll be writing.

Love,

Anna