20 Times
The inspiration for this one came from the song “99 Times” by my girl Kate Voegele. If you don’t know it, give it a listen.
For all the men and women and people who have experienced lies, manipulation, heartache from messes that contain the least of these, this one’s for you.
It’s funny how triggers arise, yes? Driving down the road, you remember something. That something popped in your head like a jalapeño popper. But why it didn’t happen is simply not your business or concern, but your anxiety is jalapeño business. See what I did there?
Okay, moving on. 😏
Ah, the coveted emotional abuse. We all know how much I love to talk about that one. I could teach a whole class on this one. In 2017, my dumb a** ex “boyfriend” emotionally abused me. And I allowed it. After therapy and therapy, EMDR trauma reprocessing therapy, and time, and a lot of times talking about it, I still have triggers.
I said I’d never let it happen again.
I let it happen again.
I let myself down.
I let it happen again. By someone, at first, I never thought would. Until the red flags created a red sea and the red started to stain on me.
Trust that gut. Trust that gut, girl.
When my sparkle diminished. And I was the one who diminished it. To not feel enough when you know you are…y’all know that feeling? It absolutely sucks. It’s indescribable, truly. As well as emotional abuse. I’m sure my friends are all tired of the same old narrative, but I really never am. And that’s a symptom of emotional abuse. As well as questioning yourself. And blaming yourself in some cases. What if I did that, what if this. What if I. If you talk about it one more time, that’s another opportunity to not feel heard. It’s another opportunity to try and find out the truth or find out the answer. When you’re not okay with an open-ended ending and/or meaning.
Why?
Ya know, I have kinda been “dreading” writing this one because I know the emotions that I have and what damage comes with it and the passion inside. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to get all of it out. Well guess what? You’re here because you want to see my heart. My friends want to see my heart. So, I’m giving you my heart, my dear. The ex love of my life did not want said heart. Because theirs is frozen with a knife through it which moves slightly occasionally. I can’t remember who said this…but, broken people hurt people. Guess what - we’re all broken. And we all hurt people.
I have been the villain in many stories, babe.
Oh, my motivational app. I swear it can read my thoughts. It JUST said, as I am writing this, “You cannot truly love other people without loving yourself first.” Let me just end the blog right here.
Oh, and guess what, this is my blog and I’ll write what I want to. I’m fullllllllll of punny things tonight, rite? If I desire to write about it an additional time, I will. Promise. And I can promise I will; I know myself (am trying to know exactly who I am, too).
So, the damage.
The years it’ll take to just be okay is not worth the no “what if” factor. And that’s coming from me, the person who hates having the “what if’s” and the risk taker. I like to know what’s coming next. I have anxiety and the coveted trust issues. I am the person who wants to know I did everything I could’ve done but not everything I should’ve done or not done. Which is not healthy.
About 20 times, in my journal of which I pray, their name is written. 20. Times. How many times did they pray for me? That’s the bitterness coming out.
The yin and yang symbol (one of my favs) - HUGE life tool here, y’all. With good, there’s bad. No matter how you spin it. So, I will discuss the nasty parts. Like bitterness, hatred, hurt, pain, sorrow, grief. Life is not all about the best box of chocolates (love you, Forrest) and our social media should not reflect that either.
I want to be known for being my true and most authentic self as well as sharing what God is all about and what He has done for me and proof of how He has loved me. Who He is. That His love doesn’t have parameters. “God in a Box,” go check it out!
Also, the Lokai bracelets - they contain a black bead and a white bead that contain water from the highest and lowest parts of our precious earth. Shouldn’t we be the same and contain the same? Display the same? F*ck being private, that’s not what this is about. It’s about being honest.
We are all trying here. Don’t miss out on a life where you don’t know exactly who you are. I’ve lost a lot of time doing that. Here’s another one… “life’s a climb,” from my girl Miley. Or was it Hannah?
Thanks much, mwah,
A