27 Matthew

Please enjoy the written words that my dear Hunter and Lori (I was too emotional) spoke at the 27th honorary birthday dinner for my Matthew. Thank you for being here.

Hi. If you don’t know me, I’m sorry. If you do know me, I’m still sorry. My name is Anna and I am here tonight to celebrate my husband, high school sweetheart, my most epic love and soulmate, Matthew Elias Gatti. I met Matt when I was 17 years old at Cracker Barrel right down the road on March 14th, 2014. I knew after 2 days that I loved him. And I told him. And he told me back.

Matt was one of the most fearless people I have ever met and I envy that fearlessness. I am a very scared person, but I hide it. I wear a mask very well. You may think that I trust easily, but not to my core. I have deep rooted fears and anxieties and insecurities that take over, but I am extremely proud to be Anna Caroline Lax Gatti. I have seen myself go through one of my biggest fears ever to happen. I’ve seen myself handle the first few weeks with grace and poise. I’ve seen myself make mistakes. I’ve seen myself go through some very hard changes in the past two and a half years since Matt passed on.

Today, I stand in front of you as a 25 and a half year old widow. I was 23 when I became one. I can remember being SO mad at God saying “Why am I going to be a 23 year old widow?” I have hopes and dreams of being a wife and a mother. My therapist, Jenna, at the time told me that God did not intend for me to be alone forever. God wept, too. God knew. God was warning me. I had fear in my heart and there was foreshadowing. I have regrets, I wish I could have handled some things differently. Most importantly, I wish I had more time. But, God had and has a reason.

One thing I want you to take away from my babbling is this: you have a purpose and you’re here for a reason. Don’t let the 9-5 mundane schedule overtake your life. We were meant for more than just working and dying. My high school English teacher told us that life is a b*tch and then we die. Pretty much. But, thank God we have a God that can walk it with us. And Who is our Best Friend. No matter what. You know that Facebook post that goes around every so often that says “God died for the people who are hungover on Sunday, late for church, those people. Not just the ones who are the “most” righteous.” THAT is our God. Amen? No matter what I’ve done, God has turned it for my good. And there’s a verse for that by the way.

Jesus died for the woman who had an affair with your husband. He died for the person who lied to you. He died for the person who murdered someone. Those hard and cringy things that we do not want to talk about, He died for. And He loves everyone even though we do bad things. God puts us in the “uncomfortable” sometimes and that’s okay. But we have to keep pushing. Because no one is going to do it for us.

What would Matt and I be doing for his birthday? Finally going on a honeymoon? Riding his bike around Jackson or around Chickasaw or Natchez Trace like he liked to do? And I would be holding onto him for dear life on the back of that bike. Would I be pregnant? Would we have a baby in the backseat of his Ford Focus ST? Well, actually, we wouldn’t have room because of that darn speaker that’s bigger than the car in the trunk. We would have a cake and meal at my parents’ house. We would, or I would, plan a dinner with Matt’s friends who do not really keep in touch with me now.

Matt’s favorite verse, Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Matt was one of the most fearless people I’ve met. He was kind and everyone’s friend. He forgave and forgave. He truly held the fruits of the Spirit. He liked video games. He loved Batman. He had a Batman tattoo with the thin blue line on his left forearm which I have now. His passion was law enforcement. He loved the guitar, bass to be exact. He loved God. Loved me. Loved his friends. His family. He was a private person and could entertain himself. I think of him as an introvert. He was a jokester. He loved to laugh. He was a great judge of character. He would’ve been the BEST dad, truly; He loved kids.

I used to pray for our healthy and safety. I used to pray to grow old with Matt. And by definition, that prayer was answered. I did grow old with Matt and I got to spend his forever with him. Being a widow is one of the most misunderstood situations I’ve ever been in. There’s grief, random grief, the anniversaries, the emotions leading up to those, there’s all the meals alone, the figuring out how to grocery shop, the double dates you don’t get invited to, the mom bonding you don’t get to have, the “you’re so young,” and the “you have your whole life ahead of you.” I HATE those. I know you mean well, but, those make me cringe. Matt was so young, too. Matt had his “whole life” ahead of him, too.

This grief has changed me until what feels like a whole another person. I have struggled knowing who I am, but I am figuring it all out. And that’s what a lot of life is like: figuring it out. One of my all-time favorite quotes reads this: “Life is not about learning how to fix the rain, but how to dance in the rain.” We must learn to dance, to prosper. And God helps us do that. One of the most influential things Matt did was lead me to salvation. On February 15th, 2016, Matt and I were driving in Downtown Nashville through the roundabout, which I hate roundabouts, and we were having a conversation about a certain skeleton in my closet I’ve had since I was just 15 years old. He helped me realize what was missing. I sat on the bed with my animals and asked Jesus into my heart. I started to see a change. All my life, I’ve believed in God. When I was 4, I saw Jesus. That is what my Jesus portrait represents. I would love to tell you my stories of my life. Either you can read my future books, or you can simply ask me. But whatever you desire, I appreciate more than you know. Thank you to each and every one of you for loving me, supporting me, being here tonight, and for taking the time to learn a little bit about Matthew Elias Gatti. Your true support means the absolute world to me and I am ever so blessed to have you. I love you. So, raise a glass to Matt, our forever friend. Happy 27th Birthday, Matt".”

Thank you for reading.

Xoxo,

Anna