Color Blind

The direction of this blog has changed since the original idea.

But what hasn’t changed are my decade long issues when it comes to self.

Be surprised at how the smallest things can affect you or how the smallest ignorance or selfishness can affect you, especially in the developmental stages. Those are so critical. This is one of the reasons why I take so much pride in being a dance teacher. I want my students to be themselves and be comfortable in their own skin. I am still not comfortable in my own skin. I come off like I am, but I’m not.

False confidence is something I am very good at. I come off very strong willed, confident, confidence in myself, sure of myself, independent, and am I those things, but not to the extend that I display.

I was going to write a short story inspired by a bedtime story Alexa read to me from Amazon about a sick child and a bunny rabbit, but this, on my brain, seems to need my attention; I need my attention.

My brain is a funny place.

I’ve said this to myself before and to a few others, “I feel like everything in my life fights against my happiness.” I made that statement before things started to turn around for me. Before I met the love of my life and before my dream job fell into my lap and before I felt closer to God again. I am starting to feel like He’s my best friend again. He finally gave me what I wanted. And my bitterness is fading.

But what’s not fading is my brain’s cycle. And the anxiety. Which tumbles into more sh*t.

Mostly everything in my brain fights my peace of mind whether it’s anxiety, a depressive spell, trauma, what have you. But that’s okay. And I’m okay.

I can feel myself leaning on God again and THAT is a wonderful feeling. I felt peace in the midst of my depressive spell and this time of physical hurt, which causes emotional hurt. God is taking care of me. And taking care of the things I care about; He’s got this.

I felt like falling to the floor.

I struggle with not feeling accepted, loved, respected, protected, cherished, valued, enough, worthy, chosen, adequate, capable, worth it. These feelings I struggle with feeling - there’s an issue within myself. I do not provide myself with those feelings; I do not truly accept myself.

Capable really hurt when I wrote it. Let’s focus on that one.

Capable. It’s the fear I can’t do it alone. Do I know I am capable of anything? Yes. But there’s this little bitty demon screaming at me that I can’t do this. The question is: why? Why wouldn’t I be intelligent enough to figure this out? Because I am. The question is: why not, why couldn’t I? I stand in my own way. Ever heard that phrase? Every time I hear it, it speaks to me. The confidence is the issue.

How can I expect others to accept me if I do not put down boundaries and do it myself?

The title of this entry is, “Color Blind.” I am blind to my own color. Am I alone in this? No, but I am the one putting it out there for others to relate to. I am the voice for many people, not just myself. You are never alone even if you may feel like it. I feel alone sometimes because I don’t feel understood because of my own brain. I am blind to my own worth. I know my abilities. Have I accomplished my dream? No. Have I sat on my ass? Yes. The only excuse for that is laziness.

I don’t see what other people see sometimes, well, I see it, but I don’t let it win in my head. I see the negative of me. I let that wolf win. I see what other people have told me. Like I’m too much. I’m irrational. I’m dramatic. I’m a pain in the ass.

I get onto myself for the way I care, but sometimes, that’s what I love most about myself. It, honestly, is an amazing quality to care the way that I do. My heart is one of my biggest attributes. But it’s not for the weak to love.

The truth is, I see what others see. I see myself as strong, beautiful, resilient, passionate, emotional, capable, special, worth it, extra. I have allowed the negativity in and while it’s years and years of damage, I will conquer this like I have anything else because I am capable.

I want to share something with you that I did when I was really low the other day. I was depressed and I remembered a wristband I saw when I was younger that reads, “To Write Love on Her Arms.” I’ve always been fond of that saying, but wasn’t sure why, but I am now. Because I need it. I beat myself up, hurt myself, self destruct, self sabotage. I show everyone else grace and love, but mine is cut short. Why? Why is it I don’t feel enough sometimes? I know that answer. And I’ve got to make peace with it. Your not dealt with sh*t follows you like a demon, I promise. Take care of it. Sage it. Holy water it.

I now wear that wristband. I also bought the founder’s book and a sweatshirt that says, “presence not perfection.” Check out the website. I bought stickers and magnets too by the way. Have I mentioned I’m extra?

I need to give myself that extra love. Because I deserve it. And the people I love deserve it. YOU deserve it. Don’t be blind to yourself. Let that rainbow shine through. Don’t struggle because of a self issue, there’s enough pain elsewhere - don’t let it be from you. Don’t waste time being anything but yourself or trying to please someone else like I have done; I wasted so much time and energy and have lost myself over the years. Now, I have to work on loving it. Who you are is exactly who God created you to be and He doesn’t make mistakes now does He?

“Born This Way” by my girl Lady Gaga

“Beautiful,” “Flawless” and “Even If” by MercyMe

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