Chosen

Hello, readers.

Thank you for being patient with me as I’ve been dealing with some really hard stuff.

I am excited to write this for you on this Monday evening. Let’s get to it.

Eight long months ago, I fell for one of the most enchanting people I’ve ever met. If you know, you know. I found my Chapter Two as I like to call it. It did not take long to fall in love, but it also did not take long to get hurt either.

You see, choices.
Choices are something that we cannot make for other people (as bad as we may want to). This girl who is just dying to be TikTok famous who I follow told me this one day as I talked to her about meeting this ex of mine for “breakfast.” Again, if you know, you know. She told me, “Don’t go down that path. God closed that door for a reason. You’re blocking your blessings.” Hmmmm, I’ll bite.

I had nothing left to loose. I already had scars, scars from them, previous ones, some real scar tissue, but I didn’t care. Already had disappointment. But I had love for them. True, real, raw, and ugly love. For them. Already had open heart surgery on my emotional heart once or twice, really. I chose to love that person. Over and over. What did they choose? Not me. Yet again.

Emotional abuse can really do a number on ya, pals. 10/10 do not recommend. Did I do that right?

Ya know, today, well, tonight, I felt good. I haven’t felt good in a long time. But, just as I suspected, the suffrage has returned. “How long will it last?” was my question today. “We will see how long it lasts,” type attitude. See what I mean? I was right, again.

Sometimes it gets frustrating sometimes knowing things. Intuition runs in my family. Sometimes it is spot on and other times, it is not accurate.


When they send you a selfie and all you want to do is stare at it. You have this feeling of you want to just basically reach your hand out to them, but you know it wouldn’t really make a difference. But you just can’t help yourself. You have to be honest.

My love for them will never change.

Hannah Brown (my girl) on Colton’s season of The Bachelor said, “I am not going to settle until I feel chosen every single day.”

They were chosen, both of my heartbreaks, in the same month, I might add. Your girl is struggling. I knew I hated July for a reason (in all reality, it was in August too).

One thing that is puzzling to me: why I haven’t been chosen in the relationships I truly put my heart into (maybe because I was the player of hearts at one point) or why it feels like no suitor can see that worth.

It hurts.

It sucks.

To not feeling chosen by your Chapter Two and also by your almost Chapter Three. I really saw it with this last one, you guys. I really thought he could be end game. But just like I suspected, he flew the second it got hard.

I saw a future with both, and the love was different because of the time and lack of trust. One was undeniable and the other was certain. But slow-burning.

What’s hard is the pain. The want to still have that person in your life. The beauty you see in the love you have for that person. It’s almost as you feel almost alone, like no one really sees how bad (good) it really was. You know you’re not alone at all. At all.

What’s bad is the fact that they didn’t really care or at least want to make that effort or the first choice was not you.

And what’s the WORST is the feeling of you knowing it’s not over. I already have that feeling, but when I accidentally get a word wrong while typing and it autocorrects to their name…

Or the fact that your phone recognizes the weird spelling of the other one’s name.

Really?

The waiting is hard. In every situation.

“It’s no matter what they do” kind of love. The love they have always asked for, but when handed to them, they don’t want it. Because it’s from you.

The “maybe” Chapter Three made me almost forget about Chapter Two. And we all know that’s hard to do.

That type of cut cuts deep - they didn’t want it because it was yours.

Especially when it’s from their blade.

Goodnight my readers,

AC