If You Only Knew

Welcome. I’m glad you stumbled upon this blog. This one is one I wrote almost two months ago (wow) but I never published it because I went in another direction with how I was feeling and my emotions. And yes, the person does know these things.

In order for people to understand how I feel, which I think you want to know how I do because you are here, then you must see the real and raw. I mean, I did promise you that, right?

I wrote this back in June, the 13th to be exact. Although I cannot find the words to talk about the past few weeks, I wanted to share something with you.

I deleted this one, but the website thankfully keeps deleted blogs for a minute. I enjoyed reading this and I hope you do too. Although it is sad, hopefully you’ll get some insight into my heart. I love y’all. Thank y’all for being here.

Without further ado:

“Hi. It’s your author here. Instead of focusing on a character, I want to share my heart and my real and raw emotions with you. My dear friend Hunter loves it when I am vulnerable and I think that you will love it too. Without further ado, this is what I would say to the person who still holds my heart:

Hi. I miss you everyday. Regrets, I have them. I remember the first weekend I ever spent with you, the joy. The nervousness, the butterfly process happening. You made and still make me nervous.

I remember talking about you all the time to my best friend Brittany, my best friend Kayla, my cousin Beth, all of my friends, really. About how much I loved you. How I adored you. How scared I was to loose you. I still love you, I still adore you, I am still scared to loose you. I truly never want to loose you again.

They say if you love something, let it go. I did not let you go, God released me of that heart and gut-wrenching pain. But the love is still there. The adoration is still there. It just doesn’t hurt as much anymore, not really like it did before. Things have changed, some time has passed. They say it gets better with time, right?

See - the truth is: I never really had you. I was so consumed in you, in wanting you, in loving you, in wanting to love you, just so satisfied that I “had” you that I ignored my gut, the red flags, the warning signs, the warnings from other people, the concern of my loved ones. I keep thinking if I had just stuck around and allowed your actions a little bit longer, you would’ve trusted me more, maybe that was it. That - listen, right there - that is a victim of emotional abuse. It makes your mind think that it’s somehow your fault that you were treated so badly. “Well, if they trusted me, they wouldn’t have done x, y, and z.” Eh, I don’t know, sister.

“If you ever feel unwanted, let me know. Because that is never my intention,” you said. I hate to tell you, you did. Over and over. I was never first place. I was never good enough for you is what your actions screamed.

I wanted to ask you to stay. I wanted to blast you out because I would’ve given you everything you wanted. And ever wanted. I would’ve done everything I could to make you happy and to give you what you want.

If you only knew how much you are loved. How much you’re wanted. Desired. Cared for. And will be prayed for.

I wanted to ask you to stay, but the words you said to me broke my heart. You say you’re ready to find your person, I’m that person. You say you’re ready to settle down, I’m your home. You say you’re ready to have kids, I would’ve given you that. I would’ve had that morning sickness and God knows how much I am afraid of puking.

I want to look into your eyes and tell you to stay.

I wish you were here sitting across from me on the couch. I wish you could watch me cry over you. Over the loss of you. Over the return of you. Over the unknown of you. When you want something and someone so bad and the pain that comes with the fact that it’s not you that the person that you love wants….

Let that set in.


You let me walk away many times. You should’ve asked me to stay more than you did.

Actions speak a lot louder than words. There’s so much I want to say to you. There are many more memories and experiences I want to share with you.

Whenever I first pursued you in February, it was a God thing. Whenever I started talking to you, a lightbulb went off. It was just you. I wasn’t ready, but I was then. My love for you consumed me. And I didn’t choose it, it chose me.

I want you to go pick out that ring that means forever. I don’t ever want to loose you again. Go read blog “25,” please. Hell, if you gave me a paper napkin, I’d cherish it forever.

It kills me to not have you.

If you only knew how many tears I’ve shed over you. Over my love for you, over the hurt I’ve caused myself and that you have caused me.

It doesn’t matter the pain you’ve caused me. Or I’ve caused you. Or myself. What matters is that gut-wrenching love that is still there after all the time, all this hurt, all this separation.

The point is - I love you.

I hope that you know that. I would’ve moved mountains for you. I would’ve done whatever I needed to to make sure you were happy, taken care of, loved, cherished. You just have no idea how much you’re cherished.

Because of what I’ve been through, I think about funerals and this and that. I told my best friend, Britt, to make sure you knew how I felt about you. And I know that she will do so.

I want you to know that you’re my chapter two. It’s you. I will always love you. You have a piece of my heart that I will never get back. You’re up there with Matt. The love I have for you reminds me of the love I had with Matt and that scares me. I never truly let Matt go when we were separated. And having to fight the urge to try to make all the pieces fit together right now - I have to fight that.

It bothers me that you may not know how badly I wanted to show you that I wanted you.

I want to look you in the perfect face and tell you I love you and I want you to tell me it back. I want to be the one you choose, your person. The one you trust. Your heart would be one of the most cherished things I could ever have.

I want to run to you and just squeeze you and never let go. I want you to be my rock and yours mine. I just want you so bad.

All I can do is pray. I cried in bed last night and slept almost twelve hours to try to turn my mind off. I asked God, “why would you let me love them?” If I’m not supposed to love them and this isn’t supposed to work out, WHY?

This is by far one of the hardest situations I’ve ever been in.

I wish you would tell me you’re not leaving, you love me, you want me, I’m the person for you, you want to never leave, I can trust you, please tell me everything, please choose me, please confide in me, please love me.

I wish we could just hold hands and just say, “we’re doing this.” Because you have my heart.”

I love you, still, always have, always will.

Thank you for being one of my readers; you are appreciated more than you know. I love each and every one of you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here.

Xoxo, truly,

Your author,

Anna