The Foundation

Good night, my readers!

Tonight’s vibe contains a very special subject: foundations.

So what is a foundation?

Simply, a foundation is something that other things are built on.

So, you might ask me, '“if you don’t have a foundation, what do you have?” Well, reader, you have a crap pile of crap. Right?

My recent ex told me that he did not want to be the center of someone’s happiness and that he did not want to be the center of my happiness. Well, Mr. Perfect, I do not want you as my center of gravity, either. You see, back in 2019, I lost my life partner.

I remember in 2018, my therapist told me, “You need to be okay if it doesn't work out with you and Matt. Because of that foundation of Christ, you would be okay.” AMEN, sister!

God took care of me every. single. second. after Matt passed. And He always will. THAT is how I continue to function every single day that God still has me here for my purpose, for my reason. I WILL show people HOW God is real. God is how I function, how I’m so strong; it’s HIM. God is my foundation. God held me in the palm of His hand yesterday, then, today, now, tomorrow, and all of the days. God is good all the time and all the time, God is good. “Even If” by MercyMe = one of my favs. I remember when my old “friend” sent that to me, thanks, shady.

My bad for having some anxiety and needing my boyfriend. Insert your choice of emoji here.

So. If I can survive my husband tragically dying and being “okay,” “okay” meaning being able to function without them, what makes you think that you would be any more special, honey?

It saddens me to think of what this man has done to me. It is quite embarrassing if you ask me.

He asked me to be his girlfriend in a text message, by the way. That was foreshadowing the whole relationship. Oh, and I put it on Facebook. Everyone was so happy for me.

Then, (3 days later) he breaks up with me over text message: a common theme. The breakup was after I asked him for some reassurance because you know, anxiety. You know, trauma. You know, scars. My last relationship before him was literally a soap opera, so, you can why with that alone I would need a little something, but my bad.

Never apologize for having anxiety when it is not hurting anyone else.

I apologized for having anxiety.

To try to get him to come back around. Guess what, another text the day after and almost a week later, zip.

My mom said this to me tonight, “Sometimes no answer is the answer.”

Could he have been a man like the thirty something year old he is? Yes. I deserved better. I have grace to him. Where’s my grace? Immediately he friend zones me. That’s not grace. That’s a way out.

Over text? Really?

And then no answer at all?
The audacity of some people, man. I know I’ve done some f*cked up things, but let me assure you, I will never play with someone’s heart again.

So, back to the real subject of this writing tonight, please don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness. And honestly, I’m starting to hate the word happiness. I heard someone say (and I can’t remember who and I hate that I don’t) that happiness isn’t really the goal and isn’t a constant thing, peace is. So let’s replace happiness with peace; it makes a whole lot more of sense to me at least.

The only ones you should rely on for your “happiness” are these two people right here:

1) God

2) Yourself

*mic drop*

Sometimes I think about why the people that I have loved here recently have not chosen me back. Whether it’s that old best friend who just ran out of chances for me, or that failed and terrible toxic, emotionally abusive relationship with the woman, or the on the rocks relationship one that I thought was endgame, the one that made me forget about her.

Ya know, I do love him. And he doesn’t know that. I looked at him and just knew he would be the father of my kids one day; I saw it with him.

I do want him to come back. But like my Nana said the night we came up with the message to send to him about giving him space and letting him know that I was here if and when he wanted to talk, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” He won’t drink.

I’m sorry to keep getting off topic, but y’all are here to read my heart and here it is. <3

I love you guys, praying for the person who will see my worth one day, let’s prepare them. Whoever my person is will read this and say, “Man, they’re an idiot.”

I’m going to leave you with this question: What is your foundation?

Love,

Anna