Journal Entry: 8/25
08/25/2021
Dear God,
Last night, anxiety filled my heart, but did not overcome me. Thank You for guiding me to the assistance I needed. One question I asked last night: why have You taken the last three people I have (truly) loved away from me.
Matt was taken to heaven.
We all know what happened with the woman I loved so dearly.
And now Mr. Perfect. Where is he? Gone. What a good friendship we have. I am not salty or anything at all, right?
I’m tired, I want You to take the desire away from me to love another person and to want to find my person. I just want to be okay today, tomorrow, and the next day and learn how to slow down. Appreciate nature and the downtime. I think of these things are part of my genetic makeup; I need to learn to accept my full self. My full and authentic self.
As much as I want him to come back, he’s not. As much as I want to want to talk, it’s not on the priority list it appears like. I wish I could control this situation. My discernment has not been correct, I guess, Lord. I want to slow down and enjoy the little things, explore, learn, learn to listen and not always speak.
To spend time with my Nana. Learn more about her story and what makes her my beautiful Nana. My heart and mind and being try to find solutions and that’s in my blood, my genetic makeup.
Truth is, I’ll never get away from anxiety.
It is who I am.
As much as I desire a life partner, maybe I’m not supposed to have one (right now). Why is this such an important need?
For some reason, I envision Union’s campus. I want to sit on a hammock and just exist. Turn the phone on silent, watch on silent. Take a paperback book, my Kindle, iPad, sketchpad. But really, I just need silence. I just need to be. I need to ingulf myself in that. And in You. I need a church, Lord. One I actually go to. Because I’ve got an important message, too. Testimonies about life and about You. Where is my person? Do they exist? Am I supposed to love after Matt? Is that why they did not love me back? Is that why they did not “end” in fairytales like I dearly wanted them to? I think we need to stay away from the idea of “end” in a fairytales because there is work to be done after the vow. And also, in my brain, when I see people in a relationships, my thought can be “they must be so happy/they should be happy” because they have someone.
That is the complete wrong mindset. I need to grow. All of this unknown is a lot for me and is overwhelming. But I know these are growing pains. And that You’re right here. Enjoying and taking in all that I am saying/feeling/being.
She could not be who I needed and wanted her to be, Lord. Can Chapter Three? Ya know, they say you have three loves in your life. Gosh, I hope to have another one.
Help, Lord. Help.
I love You. You really are the perfect cure all. <3
In my precious Savior’s name, Jesus’s name,
AMEN <3