Dirty Laundry

03/05/2020

Ah, dirty laundry. 

Something we all love, right?

Or love to hate. 

I have a list of my dirty laundry...stuff that is still with me to this day. “You just need to leave the past in the past” is a hard statement to hear, am I right? I think with certain situations, the past doesn’t need to be “left in the past,” it needs to be heard. Like mine. I need to be heard. Whether it’s by a therapist, friend, my boyfriend, I need to be heard. It needs to come out. It still comes with me to this day. And it is important. It matters. It’s relevant. It’s more than leaving the past in the past.

It’s like a zit...eventually it’ll pop. As will emotional stuff. I feel like it’s gotta get out (somehow).

I have scars.

I’ve been through something that I had trauma reprocessing for. 

Am I ashamed that it still gets to me? Yes.

Do I want it to still get to me? No.

Do I want to talk about it? Yes.

Do I want to be validated in that it matters? Yes.

The crap I went through can be left in the past, but the scars cannot be left in the past. Am I right? Does it really matter what that ex put me through? Not really, no. Does it matter to me? Well yeah. Do I want the people in my life to want to know what happened? Yes. 

What happened to me still goes with me to this day. And ya know what? I don’t want to go back to therapy; I just don’t. Do I need to? Yes. But I don’t want to. I should know that for it to work, I have to want it. 

The bottom line is, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that it’s so important to me. And that people have told me to leave the past in the past. It’s not a good feeling. Is there something wrong with me? Or do I need to stand up for my past?   

Life is tricky. Anxiety is tricky. Relationships are tricky. 

For me, I need to be able to talk. I need to be able to openly talk about anything. Do I wish this stuff didn’t affect me or have an important place in my life? Yes. But it does. And that’s okay. 

Ironically, when I was picking a font for my signature, there was one named “Loved by the King.” I needed that reminder. When I wrote that I was ashamed, I remembered that the Bible talks about being ashamed. God doesn’t want me to feel that way. This is who I am, irrational or not.

Thank you for reading, please pray for me, & XOXO,

Anna

Posted: 03/05/2020