The Day I Lost My Husband, Part Three
Ah, {the} part three. It’s crazy to think that in just four short days, Matt will have been in heaven for one year. A part of me hoped that the one year anniversary would be a symbol of a chapter closing, but, this chapter will never close. Even though Matt is no longer here with us on earth, he still lives on. That’s the beauty of eternal life through Jesus Christ; we have a certain hope that we WILL see them again one day when it is our time. Monday, May 6th, 2019 was Matt’s time.
Honestly, I have no clue what this day will look like for me. Will I be sad? Will I be rejoiceful? A mix of both? Who will “check on me” that day? Who won’t? The only thing I know to be true are two things: 1) it will be okay & 2) God will continue to hold me in the palm of His hand just like He always done since day one of this life changing time and like He always has period. He always is protecting me (even in the bad stuff). I think people forget that being a follower of Jesus/Christian doesn’t make you immune to {crappy} stuff. I mean, come on now people. I don’t care for people who are “too positive.” I just kinda get that look on my face without getting the look on my face like I’m getting that stank face. I started to write a blog just about this subject...maybe I’ll finish it? Guess what~ everyone has an opinion. Just like a {butt}hole. It’s kinda hard to write this blog though without feeling like I’m being judgmental.
Anyways, back to part three.
We left off with me talking about glad I was that it was my dad who told me that Matt had passed.
I am. So glad. That it was my dad. And not some trooper who only knew my name. Sorry to be so frank, but it is what it is. A death notification is not fun for anyone. After Sam officially told me, (which I am so glad that he was the one who “officially” told me because he was my friend, Matt’s friend, and his wife is my friend)a lot of troopers talked to me, gave me their business cards. I probably could not tell you their names or put names to faces other than a few maybe. The week from May 6-May 13 (day of the funeral) is kinda a blur, but not really. It’s kinda like the feeling when we officially knew and I was told by my dad that Matt was gone, that feeling that doesn’t really have a name, but the closest thing I can think of is emptiness, but it’s not emptiness. Does that make sense? I remember almost backing up (but not physically doing it) and being in almost denial, maybe even shaking my head no (idk if I did or not honestly) when my dad came in front of me and kneeled down in front of me; I knew what he was about to tell me. Confirmation.
Dad asked me if I wanted him to call Bob (at Arrington). I told him yes. Bob is a beloved family friend of ours and there is no one else I would’ve rather had to take care of not only me, but the whole bunch. I love you, Bob and Judy! Thank you! You are God sents. All of you are! THANK YOU
Everything started to calm down and die down. The pastor got food for us. Sam went and got me a Dr. Pepper. What a classic. I wanted my sweatshirt that I had gotten that day, but someone took my car to my house (they wouldn’t let me drive for a good minute after this, someone always drove me where I wanted/needed to go). Just people took care of me. In every way possible! I seriously cannot thank them enough. This type of situation shows you who really has your back and who doesn’t. To all of you who had my back and have my back and who will continue to have my back, THANK YOU. I hope I can be the friend to you guys that y’all were and are to me. True love and support are truly special. I’ve made some mistakes (obviously, I mean, hello?) but these friends and family have stood by me. Just like God has and always will. And always has. Amen!?
Anyways, back to part three. I’ll try not to get off on tangents. Oh wait, no, I won’t try. Because it’s coming from my heart. And hopefully that’s what you guys want to hear, right? Thank you <3
Back to the sweatshirt. I wanted a jacket. So Reasons gave me his. It was huge on me and made me feel teeny wheeny (which I like). I ate a little bit. People were there.
Brette.
Alex.
Which I had to tell them the news. Poor Alex already lost his best friend and then his best friend’s relative. And now Matt. I cried about that one time thinking about what Alex has lost.
Rachel.
Ellie.
My therapist. My therapist sat down with me and asked me to tell her everything from start to finish, so I did. And it helped so much! And I talked about how I didn’t want to be single for the rest of my life and how Matt and I had talked about waiting if something happened to one of us. My therapist and I talked about that. She said that she didn’t think that I was intended to be alone. And that that conversation is something you say when you’re young and in love. I wanted to talk to Matt about if something happened to one of us, but I never got the chance. My decision is I want to get married again. I want to have children. I want to love again. Which I have loved after Matt and I am right now. I hope that that gives you a little hope. There is love after loss.
I did not want to be alone.
I asked my mom to go to the bathroom with me. I asked Matt’s sister to go to the bathroom with me. I took my sandals off and sat on the floor at one point. I sat on the couch. Sat in the conference room. But not one time was I alone. Distractions. (Which I’m good at).
It was time to go and I rode with my mom and dad took his truck. We didn’t take the interstate, obviously. I did not want to leave Maxxguard. Maxxguard was my safe haven at that point. I didn’t want everyone to leave. I did not want to be alone.
We got home and we stayed up until 3 or 4. I went to sleep and only slept for like 3-4 hours. Got up around 7. That whole week, my phone went off. Troopers came to the house. We were planning the funeral. Sorting out details. Dad was doing most of it; he was one of my biggest rocks. And still is!
Thank you for reading; your support means the world. ❤️
Xoxo,
Anna
Posted: 05/02/2020